Megan Meier Suicide -- Fighting Back Against Immature Adults

Many of you are probably already aware of the tragic story of Megan Meier, a young girl who committed suicide last October. If you are not, here is the basic story, as told by the Los Angeles Times:

For nearly a year, the families who live along Waterford Crystal Drive in this bedroom community northwest of St. Louis have kept the secret about the boy Megan Meier met last September on the social networking site MySpace.

He called himself Josh Evans, and he and 13-year-old Megan struck up an online friendship that lasted several weeks. Then the boy abruptly turned on Megan and ended it. That night, Megan, who had previously battled depression, committed suicide.

The secret was revealed six weeks later: Neighbor Lori Drew had pretended to be 16-year-old Josh to gain the trust of Megan, who had been fighting with Drew's daughter, according to sheriff's department records and Megan's parents.

Please go here to read the full story.

In my opinion, Megan's demise is completely the fault of the neighbors who created the fake MySpace identity. What is truly sad is that it was not just a young girl playing a prank, rather the whole thing was orchestrated by a grown woman, someone who should have been mature enough to let her daughter deal with her own drama. Not only that, but it is also clear to me that Megan's suicide was directly triggered by the MySpace incident, and it completely sickens me that the family at fault has offered no type of apology or remorse whatsoever. It also saddens me that there isn't any way these people can be brought up on criminal charges.

There is, however, a small beacon of hope. According to the Los Angeles Times, the community and other people across the country are fighting back. I think in these situations, it is important for citizens to take matters into their own hands and teach the culprits a lesson. I encourage anyone who reads this to take a cue from these great citizens and join in the crusade to make these people's lives hell. These idiots need to take responsibility for their actions. In addition, I think everyone should offer their support to Megan's parents, who have to deal with such an overwhelming tragedy.

Furthermore, it is cases like this that bring about the importance of being extra careful in regards to the internet. Obviously, this Josh character was very convincing (probably because he was created by an adult), but this serves as a further warning as to why people need to take care when talking to people they don't know online. Take anything said by a stranger with a grain of salt, because you never know if that person is genuine, or if they are a 58-year-old overweight unemployed guy trying to fill some sad void in his life by screwing with people online. So please, if you have children, teach them at an early age to be wary of people on the internet. Let's do what we can to make sure something like this never happens again.

Things/People I am not thankful for

Thanksgiving is a time when people reflect on what they are truly thankful for, whether it be good health, friends, a new job, whatever. While I, too, have things that I am thankful for this year, I would like to focus on the things and the people I am not thankful for. For the sake of time and space, I will narrow the list to 20.

1. The song "Crank Dat Soulja Boy" the guy responsible for "Crank Dat Soulja Boy" and the people that have purchased the song "Crank Dat Soulja Boy" or the album "Crank Dat Soulja Boy" is on.
2. The Fox News Channel/Fox News Business Channel
3. People that quote Family Guy in every conversation they have
4. Heelys/Crocs and other ridculously ugly show abominations
5. people named Jamie or any spelling derivative of that
6. the high five/people that high five
7. the need for casual dining restaurants to hang weird shit on their walls (belt buckles, skis, boots, etc.)
8. Emo Punk music and its bands (Fall Out Boy, Cute Is What We Aim For, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, etc.)
9. any sandwich/hamburger with more than 1,000 calories
10. any television program/website/magazine that focuses on celebrities
11. Larry The Cable Guy
12. people that can't take a joke
13. the phrase "That's what I'm talking about" or anyone who uses that phrase
14. people that have mirrors above their bed
15. fanny packs
16. people that cite the Bible as their favorite book
17. people with more than 5 bumper stickers on the back of their car
18. hipsters
19. MTV/VH1
20. George W. Bush

Happy Thanksgiving

Monopoly Electronic Banking Edition - Sucking the Fun out of Childhood One Board Game at a Time

The classic board game Monopoly is known to be one of the most popular and beloved board games of all time. It has been a staple of American culture since 1935, has been enjoyed by more than 500 million people worldwide, and has been sold in 103 countries in 37 languages. With virtually hundreds of alternate game boards available, Monopoly is a game that pretty much anyone can enjoy. It's a great way to pass time on a rainy day, it brings families together, and it offers a nice alternative to television, video games, and other cancer-causing technology.


But that has all changed.


Hasbro has introduced a twist on this classic game--Monopoly Electronic Banking Edition. This version does away with the traditional paper Monopoly money and instead has players keep track of their earnings through a simulated ATM machine. While this may seem like an innovative step into the future, I am here to explain why this game is a travesty on many levels.


1. Mommy, what is a hundred plus fifty?
My first major issue with this game is the fact that it takes the math completely out of the picture. While some (hopelessly lazy) people might see this as a good thing, I think it is just another apparatus that will hold people back from being able to do basic addition. No matter who you are, it is likely that at some point in your life you will handle money. Whether you are a cashier, a prostitute, or someone having a garage sale, cash will be passed into your hands more than once in your life and it will become important for you to be able to count it. Monopoly provides both children and adults with an opportunity to gain skill in counting, adding and subtracting large numbers in their heads (and division if you have to deal with that pesky Luxury Tax). This new Monopoly completely takes away from this skill-building activity. As if mindless television shows and video games weren't enough, must we really bastardize board games by making them all electronic and taking all of the effort out of them?

2. Hello? Tech support?
Any piece of electronic equipment you buy comes with one major issue - it is easy to break and expensive to fix. Electronic Monopoly is no different. With original Monopoly, if you lost a few of those paper bills, it did not have much impact on the game because there were still plenty to go around. With the advent of the internet, even if you do lose some fake cash, you can download and print extras from the Monopoly website. Either way, it is pretty easy to get by if you have a money malfunction. With the new edition on the other hand, if the electronic calculator/ATM breaks, it is literally game over. Also, while replacing paper money is relatively cheap, replacing batteries is a bit more pricey. Franky, it seems like too much of a hassle for something that isn't that innovative or exciting to begin with.

3. Do not pass Go. Do not collect two crisp yellowish $100 bills.
I have saved my most compelling (and of course, most important) argument for last. When playing a game of regular Monopoly, there is a certain degree of satisfaction in accumulating those fake bills. What's the fun in Monopoly when you can't wave your fat wad of bills in your opponents face? How can you enjoy winning if you can't throw your cash in the air like confetti or roll around in it like you are making snow angels? What fun is there at all if you can't strategically position your huge stack of bright orange $500 bills so that they are in clear view of all those who don't even have a single blue $50 bill?

To me, Monopoly isn't about buying and trading property. It isn't about bank errors in your favor or hotels or getting out of jail free. Monopoly is a great way to show your superior gaming skills by gaining a larger stack of cash and title deeds than that of your opponents. It's about counting out your winnings loudly so the other person can hear how wonderful you are. The electronic edition completely robs people of this absolute joy. So say no to the new travesty of a game and stick to the classic. Otherwise I will track you down and punch you hard in the Community Chest.

Top 10 Worst Religious Country Songs of All Time: #8 - 800 Pound Jesus

I've been on hiatus for a bit, but the countdown has returned in full force. Continuing with #8 we have 800 Pound Jesus by Sawyer Brown.

This touching country ballad tells the story of a man who finds an 8 foot tall Jesus statue at a garage sale. Apparently ignoring the cheaply priced stereo equipment and amazing collection of old 45's, this guy decides to take home the giant Jesus. After loading this colossal Christ into his front yard, the man takes the next natural course of action--painting Jesus purple and white. Fabulous.

Later, in traditional country song style, the protagonist of this thrilling tale loses his job and then has to watch as his girl runs off with his best friend. While this would lead most other country singers to a night of drinking and debauchery, this guy decides suicide is a better option. As a fine tribute to his Lord and Savior, this man decides to use him as a jumping off point for hanging himself. Then this amazing series of events transpires:

Out by that statue there's a big old tree
So I stood on his shoulders
And I counted to three
I had every intention of buying the farm
But when I jumped off he caught me in his arms

So rather than jumping in such a way that his path to the ground would have been clear, this genius leaps into the arms of the statue and ends up living. That's really a shame. One less idiot walking around.

Grateful to this stone savior for saving his life, the man decides he wants to live. After this near-death experience, he takes the natural next course of action--he gets counseling.

Just kidding!

He plants flowers at the base of the statue and buys him not one, but and entire flock of ceramic sheep! Of course! It makes perfect sense!

Then the song concludes with the profound statement of "He's a bigger man than you or me." Really? The 8 foot tall statue is bigger than you? How profound!

I think the moral of this story is clear:

When in doubt, trust Jesus.

No, Sawyer Brown should be whacked over the head with an 800 pound Jesus for writing this drivel. So the next time you are at a garage sale, leave the 8 foot tall Jesus statue and opt for the bowling pin lamp instead.

-Hessie

Vote Stephen Colbert (In South Carolina atleast)

Looking at the field of candidates for President on both the Republican and Democratic side of the aisle is enough to make a person cry. It truly shows how screwed America is when these candidates are the best we can do. But, hold the phone. America may not be so screwed after all. Two short weeks ago, something miraculous happened. A man with a vision joined the race. Who is this man? None other than Stephen Tiberius Colbert.

Colbert is the perfect candidate. Unlike the other frontrunners, Colbert does not hide his bullshit. He makes it an important part of his campaign. Colbert does not see race, because he is colorblind. He may be an African American male for all he knows.

More of Colbert's policies can be found in his best selling book I Am America (And So Can You), and I guarantee you, if you are not won over by his policy on the elderly, then you must question if America is truly the country for you.

Colbert may only be running in his home state of South Carolina, but an overwhelming Republican and Democrat primary victory for Colbert in the Palmetto state would show the rest of the country that... Stpehen Colbert can win in South Carolina. A facebook group dedicated to Colbert (1,000,000 Strong for Stephen T Colbert) reached its 1,000,000 plateau in only 10 days and it is now looking to become the biggest group on Facebook.

The country (or atleast 1.1 million facebookers) stand firmly behind Stephen Colbert, and South Carolina must too. President Bush set a high standard for the amount of bullshit that can be spewed in a presidency, but I am confident Colbert can spew far more and he'll only need one term to do it.

So South Carolina and the rest of the country (but mainly South Carolina) must make the right choice on both January 19th (Republican Primary) and January 26th (Democrat Primary), and that right choice is a vote for freedom which goes by the name of Stephen Tiberius Colbert.

A plea to Britney Spears

Dear Ms. Spears,

I write this letter to you not as a friend, not as a fan, but as a person concerned for the well being of this planet. In the past few years as your career has taken a downturn (not really your fault, marrying a talentless backup dancer and getting knocked up twice can happen to anyone) you have decided to make a bold move with your wardrobe choices. It's not really what you have been wearing, but what you haven't been wearing that causes me great concern. Yes, Britney, I'm talking about underwear. For the love of all that is holy, put some on. I can't tell you how many times I have seen your vagina as you've gotten into cars in the past two years. Frankly, I am tired of seeing your vagina. If this was five or seven years ago, I would have no problem with you showing your vagina whenever you wanted, but you have kids now, or atleast you did until the courts awarded them to your out of work, deadbeat husband, and seeing your vagina is no prize any longer. I know the money isn't flowing in like it used to, but seriously, a pair of panties isn't that expensive. There's this place called K-Mart that I'm sure you're familiar with. You can buy yourself a pair there for about $2.00 and spare the eyes of the world next time someone snaps a picture of you getting in or out of your car.

Britney, I beg of you, put some underwear on. I know being hungover every morning when you wake up can make you forget things, but please find a way to remember this. If you have to write yourself a note, or tie a string around your finger, I don't care as long as you remember to put underwear on each morning before you leave your house/double wide. If not for me and the other 6 billion people that live on this earth, do it for your kids. Do you really want them to grow up and make the same mistakes you did? You can prevent this from happening by just putting on a pair of panties before you leave your house in the morning. I know your latest musical abomination is called "Gimme More" but I guarantee that if you asked a large audience, "Who would like to see my vagina again?," that would not be their reply.

Sincerely,

The World

Yes, we are alive

To anyone who may read this, we are sorry for the recent lack of new posts. We have been up to our eyeballs in graduate school craziness, which has seriously cut down on available writing time. Not to fear though, new posts will be coming soon. Check back in a week or so for more amazing insights from your friends at Cultural Subterfuge.