What kind of fuckery is this? Pt.3 - Ham Soda edition

Jones Soda is marketing four new flavors of soda just in time for the holiday season. (CNN) The "Christmas Pack" as they call it features Sugar Plum, Christmas Tree, Egg Nog, and perhaps the most mouthwatering flavor Christmas Ham.

Now, if you are one of the dozens of people in this world that have had the thought, "Hmm...this ham is good, but I wonder what it would be like if I could drink it. I bet that would be much better" this comes as good news. Finally, your ham flavored beverage dreams have come true.

However, for the other 6 billion intelligent people that inhabit this planet, this is a slap in the face to deceny and self respect. Why? No one should drink a goddamn ham flavored drink. No one. Not your mother. Not your Aunt Glenda. Not Bob from down the street with the tennis court in his front yard. NO ONE.

Now, I have not tasted the drink, and I have no plans to do so (See above for why). So, could it possibly be a taste explosion of wonder and delight? Could it possibly be the one drink that makes the holiday season merry and bright? Could it be the best tasting soda ever?

Um, NO!

It's a drink that tastes like a motherfucking ham. If that hasn't dawned on you yet, then you need to do the rest of us a favor and put yourself in a self induced coma for a few years. Sit a few years out. We won't miss you.

Now, some may say that "I'm buying these because I read that a portion of the proceeds go to charity." While this may be true, no charity in the world could possibly be in such dire need that they have to accept money from the sales of Christmas Ham Soda.

So, if you want to ensure that decency and good taste doesn't officially call it quits this holiday season, please keep Ham Flavored Beverages off your Christmas List. I know delicious Ham flavoring in a can is tempting, but please, show some restraint.

Things/People I am not thankful for

Thanksgiving is a time when people reflect on what they are truly thankful for, whether it be good health, friends, a new job, whatever. While I, too, have things that I am thankful for this year, I would like to focus on the things and the people I am not thankful for. For the sake of time and space, I will narrow the list to 20.

1. The song "Crank Dat Soulja Boy" the guy responsible for "Crank Dat Soulja Boy" and the people that have purchased the song "Crank Dat Soulja Boy" or the album "Crank Dat Soulja Boy" is on.
2. The Fox News Channel/Fox News Business Channel
3. People that quote Family Guy in every conversation they have
4. Heelys/Crocs and other ridculously ugly show abominations
5. people named Jamie or any spelling derivative of that
6. the high five/people that high five
7. the need for casual dining restaurants to hang weird shit on their walls (belt buckles, skis, boots, etc.)
8. Emo Punk music and its bands (Fall Out Boy, Cute Is What We Aim For, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, etc.)
9. any sandwich/hamburger with more than 1,000 calories
10. any television program/website/magazine that focuses on celebrities
11. Larry The Cable Guy
12. people that can't take a joke
13. the phrase "That's what I'm talking about" or anyone who uses that phrase
14. people that have mirrors above their bed
15. fanny packs
16. people that cite the Bible as their favorite book
17. people with more than 5 bumper stickers on the back of their car
18. hipsters
19. MTV/VH1
20. George W. Bush

Happy Thanksgiving

Vote Stephen Colbert (In South Carolina atleast)

Looking at the field of candidates for President on both the Republican and Democratic side of the aisle is enough to make a person cry. It truly shows how screwed America is when these candidates are the best we can do. But, hold the phone. America may not be so screwed after all. Two short weeks ago, something miraculous happened. A man with a vision joined the race. Who is this man? None other than Stephen Tiberius Colbert.

Colbert is the perfect candidate. Unlike the other frontrunners, Colbert does not hide his bullshit. He makes it an important part of his campaign. Colbert does not see race, because he is colorblind. He may be an African American male for all he knows.

More of Colbert's policies can be found in his best selling book I Am America (And So Can You), and I guarantee you, if you are not won over by his policy on the elderly, then you must question if America is truly the country for you.

Colbert may only be running in his home state of South Carolina, but an overwhelming Republican and Democrat primary victory for Colbert in the Palmetto state would show the rest of the country that... Stpehen Colbert can win in South Carolina. A facebook group dedicated to Colbert (1,000,000 Strong for Stephen T Colbert) reached its 1,000,000 plateau in only 10 days and it is now looking to become the biggest group on Facebook.

The country (or atleast 1.1 million facebookers) stand firmly behind Stephen Colbert, and South Carolina must too. President Bush set a high standard for the amount of bullshit that can be spewed in a presidency, but I am confident Colbert can spew far more and he'll only need one term to do it.

So South Carolina and the rest of the country (but mainly South Carolina) must make the right choice on both January 19th (Republican Primary) and January 26th (Democrat Primary), and that right choice is a vote for freedom which goes by the name of Stephen Tiberius Colbert.

A plea to Britney Spears

Dear Ms. Spears,

I write this letter to you not as a friend, not as a fan, but as a person concerned for the well being of this planet. In the past few years as your career has taken a downturn (not really your fault, marrying a talentless backup dancer and getting knocked up twice can happen to anyone) you have decided to make a bold move with your wardrobe choices. It's not really what you have been wearing, but what you haven't been wearing that causes me great concern. Yes, Britney, I'm talking about underwear. For the love of all that is holy, put some on. I can't tell you how many times I have seen your vagina as you've gotten into cars in the past two years. Frankly, I am tired of seeing your vagina. If this was five or seven years ago, I would have no problem with you showing your vagina whenever you wanted, but you have kids now, or atleast you did until the courts awarded them to your out of work, deadbeat husband, and seeing your vagina is no prize any longer. I know the money isn't flowing in like it used to, but seriously, a pair of panties isn't that expensive. There's this place called K-Mart that I'm sure you're familiar with. You can buy yourself a pair there for about $2.00 and spare the eyes of the world next time someone snaps a picture of you getting in or out of your car.

Britney, I beg of you, put some underwear on. I know being hungover every morning when you wake up can make you forget things, but please find a way to remember this. If you have to write yourself a note, or tie a string around your finger, I don't care as long as you remember to put underwear on each morning before you leave your house/double wide. If not for me and the other 6 billion people that live on this earth, do it for your kids. Do you really want them to grow up and make the same mistakes you did? You can prevent this from happening by just putting on a pair of panties before you leave your house in the morning. I know your latest musical abomination is called "Gimme More" but I guarantee that if you asked a large audience, "Who would like to see my vagina again?," that would not be their reply.

Sincerely,

The World

Can you hear me now?

Everyone knows there are certain places where a cell phone should not be used. If your cell phone rings while you are eating dinner with guests, then it is incredibly rude to answer it. (The rudeness level jumps tenfold if you are eating dinner with only one other person.)

When you are being intimate with your partner (a.k.a. sexy time) it is also understood that if your cell phone happens to ring, then you should just let it go. Answering the phone could cause irreparable damage to your partner's self esteem, and it may also kill the mood.

There are more places that come to mind, but perhaps the most egregious is the restroom. Your own private bathroom is bad enough, but a public restroom is inexcusable.

Imagine my surprise when I walked into a WalMart restroom about a month ago to hear a man's voice coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. I went up to the urinal thinking that he may have been talking to me, but I in no shape, way or form was about to reply. Then I realized he was not talking to me; rather he was engaged in a conversation with someone on his cell phone. Now, I realize this is WalMart, so I can't expect too much out of the patrons that shop there, but how little respect does this guy have for the person he is talking to?


I can't even begin to imagine what was going through his head when the phone rang. "Oh, I'm sitting on the toilet in a WalMart, but I'm sure the person who is calling me won't mind if I talk to them now." At what point in his life did he give up on decency?

There is no decency in a person that chooses to answer, or god forbid, make a phone call while they are in the restroom. When his parents were going over the rules for being a courteous and polite person, he must have been napping. At some point in his life, he ceased to care about being the slightest bit presentable, and it was probably at that same time he started watching Nascar while eating entire bags of Cheetos and scratching himself. This may seem harsh, but until you actually see and hear someone answering their cell phone in the restroom, it simply defies belief.

I'm not really asking for much here. So, for the sake of everyone on this planet, please let nature's call be the only call you answer when you use the restroom.

The sad excuse for a human being that is Michael Vick

Who could have guessed that one of the most gifted quarterbacks of all time is also one of the biggest assholes on the planet?

The crimes that Michael Vick has been charged with are repulsive to say the least. The fact that he ran a kennel in Virginia (Bad Newz) to train dogs to fight to the death is bad enough. However, the way Vick and his cohorts put down the dogs that lost or were too weak to fight is simply unforgivable.

On one occasion, a dog was doused with water and then electrocuted.
Dogs were often killed by hanging, gunshots to the head and another allegation states that one dog was slammed to the ground. This was only necessary if the dogs didn't die in the fight itself.

Dogs were also allegedly starved so they would be "more hungry for the other dog."

Then there's the so-called "rape stand" that was found on Vick's Virginia property. It consists of two steel poles mounted to the ends of a platform that's often made of wood. U-shaped pieces of curved metal sit atop each pole; one goes around the belly of a female pit bull and the other around her neck. (Slate.com) The rape stand allows the meanest female pit bulls to breed with the meanest male pit bulls in hopes of creating offspring that are born fighters.

A raid on Vick's home in April found upwards of 50 dogs that were mistreated and neglected. That should be enough evidence to put Vick away for life without opportunity for parole. However, Virginia law states that the maximum punishment for dog fighting is only five years in jail and a $2500 fine. If Michael Vick is convicted, this is simply not enough.

This is what should happen. (and would in a perfect world)

These allegations against Michael Vick are heinous and the Atlanta Falcons must release him from his contract with the team. Vick will likely be in and out of court all season, and the negative publicity this has already generated will likely follow Vick and the Falcons all season long. With a new coach at the helm, this is not what the Falcons need.

The NFL must forgive the Falcons the rest of Vick's contract, and he must be suspended no less than two years. Vick may be one of the most gifted and talented quarterbacks ever to play the game, but he and his cohorts must go to jail for their crime for no less than 10 years without possibility for parole. He would be 37 when he is released, and this would ensure that his best years are far behind him. Vick simply should not be given an opportunity to play in the NFL or any kind of professional football league ever again, and sadly, even this is not punishment enough for the crimes he has committed.

Heelys unsafe?? no way! I would have never guessed that.

Heely Article 1

Heely Article 2


Let's see...

1,600 injuries, a few life threatening
1 death so far

I think it's about time we start making these heathens wear protective gear, don't you?

What kind of fuckery is this? pt. 2 Heelys Edition

Heelys.

Yes, heelys. The little shoe with the wheel in the heel that allows both kids and adults alike the opportunity to skate whenever they feel like it.

We've all seen kids in the grocery store, airport, or pretty much wherever the little bastards gather whiz by us in them, and we've all probably thought the same thing, "You little shit. I hope you break your collarbone."

Heelys were introduced to America in 2000, and since then the country has been on the brink of disaster. There's even strong evidence to suggest that the introduction of heelys to the United States in 2000 may have been the catalyst for the September 11th attacks. (Hey, it makes just as much sense as Bush's justfication for the Iraq War.)

Whether or not heelys fuel terrorism (they do) is really a moot point. The truth of the matter is that heelys are an absolute disgrace to not only footwear in general but to methods of transportation as well. There is nothing wrong with skating if that is what you would like to do. Except I think there was something invented quite a while ago for people that wanted to do that. hmmm....let me think...hmm....oh, that's right, SKATES. A short time later, someone improved on that idea and came up with ROLLERBLADES. Heelys are an improvement on neither.

Seriously though, heelys represent everything that is wrong with America. Has this nation become so lazy that we can't even walk anymore? Apparently, our children eat so much sugar and watch so much goddamn tv that their little A.D.D. brains get bored with walking, and they must skate or risk falling asleep on their feet.

Heelys also pose the risk of injury to any child that wears them, and this is a good thing. Perhaps, if enough of these little miscreants get seriously injured, states will be forced to pass legislation requiring kids to use helmets, elbow pads, and knee pads while wearing them. Kids would hopefully realize how stupid they look walking through Wal Mart with their parents with a helmet on that they decide never to wear those godforsaken abominations ever again. I'm not suggesting that you should laugh at kids wearing helmets with their heelys in the airport, but oh wait, yes I am. Laugh at them, laugh at them long and hard. Make their self esteem so low that they start listening to emo music at age 10. The future of this country and its well being depends on it.

Then we get to the most disgusting heely offender, and that's anyone over 16 that wears these abominations. It's understandable children would want these things, since by and large, children are stupid. Adults, on the other hand, have no excuse. How little self respect do you have for yourself that you must walk a few feet and then skate a few more? What has gone wrong in your upbringing that has inspired such a lackadaisacal attitude towards having the slightest shred of decency or dignity? With heelys, you have neither.

There is no way for an adult man/woman to wear heelys and be able to justify it. It simply can't be done, because there is no justification for it. Any grown man/woman that buys these things must first subjugate themselves to castration, so they may no longer have the ability to bring children into this world. Then, and only then may that person purchase heelys. This must be done because clearly any adult that purchases heelys for their own personal use is prone to poor decision making, and no child they bring into this world should be subjected to such a poor excuse for a human being. It's simply not fair to the child.

In closing, I'm not trying to incite violence against anyone that wears these things, though if you want to throw a stick at them, that's fine by me. Heelys are simply disgusting, and if this country wants to get back on the right path (a.k.a. America before heelys) these shoes must be banned, and everyone that owns a pair must go on tv and publicly apologize for what they've done. It's the only way they'll learn.

Now, here's a video of a man face planting while wearing heelys. Enjoy!

Car Chases, Swordfights, and Explosions Oh My! A Look At Summer Movies 2007

The summer movie season officially began earlier this month, and Hollywood continued to show that they are officially out of ideas (Miami Vice anyone?) by shoving third installments of Spider Man, Shrek and Pirates of the Caribbean down our throats. All three have already been released, and because movie audiences love that which is familiar and known to them, these movies have all done very well at the box office. Salivating at the thought of the money that can still be made with each franchise, studio executives have no doubt already discussed plans to whore out each series further with a fourth and maybe even a fifth film. Sure the quality will drop significantly and the dialogue will become almost non-existent, but never underestimate the desire of movie audiences around the world to shell out their hard earned money for horrendous films. Titanic made over a billion dollars after all.

The summer movie season is still far from over, and we still have many more potential blockbusters on the horizon to look forward to:

Ocean’s 13 – June 8
Having never seen the first two films in this series, I have no interest in seeing the third, and from what I’ve heard George Clooney is only making these films so Warner Bros. will continue to fund his pet projects like Good Night, and Good Luck and The Good German. Because of star power, the first two made hundreds of millions of dollars at the box office, and because those same A-listers are back for this film, audiences will undoubtedly flock to see it.

Sicko – June 29
Michael Moore is back coming off the mega success of 2004’s Fahrenheit 9/11 that was among the many regrettable reasons George W. Bush won a second term at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. This time, Moore looks at the state of healthcare in America. Because it is a Moore film, you can expect fabrications, falsifications, half-truths and outright lies that better help him to make his point. The issue he’s looking at here is not necessarily a liberal vs. conservative or a democrat vs. republican issue, but you can already guess who’s going to love this movie and who’s going to hate it.

Transformers – July 4
Directed by Michael Bay, the same man that brought us Pearl Harbor, The Island, and pretty much every shitty action movie of the past 10 years, this movie will undoubtedly suck. Will people go see it? Probably. Why? I don’t know. Having never seen the television series or the original movie, I really don’t understand the allure of this movie. Because Bay is directing, there’s probably not a chance in hell of me seeing this, uh, ever.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix – July 13
Further stifling the imagination of children and adults alike, the fifth installment of the best-selling book series hits theaters this summer and the major difference here is that all of the actors in the film can now apply for Social Security. Daniel Radcliffe is coming off trying to distance himself from Harry Potter by appearing naked with a horse on a London stage in the play Equus. (Aside: usually when actors try to reinvent themselves, they play drug addicts, “bad” guys, or mentally challenged people, so Radcliffe should be given props for going the appearing naked on a stage with a horse route) (Second Aside: While he should be given kudos, seriously, what the hell was he thinking?)
Anyway, back to the movie. Not having any vested interest in this movie or the book series, I think it would be hilarious if this movie was a complete flop. Would Warner Bros. scrap production of the last two? Would Radcliffe ever be heard from again? One can only hope it’s a flop, but there’s no possible way it will be.

The Simpsons Movie – July 27
The quality of the show may have gone down in the past five years, but there is no way I will not be seeing this movie. Having watched the show since I was 7 years old, I have been waiting for this movie with baited breath for 2/3 of my life. My expectations will almost assuredly not be met, but I am willing to forgive if the movie is in any way reminiscent to the classic days of the show. I really can’t find a way to be critical of this movie so I’m going to have to find another movie to criticize. Hmmm….hmm….ah

The Bourne Ultimatum – August 3
Let’s see….Matt Damon? Check. Explosions? Check. Car Chases? Check. Well, looks like we got ourselves a movie. Phew, criticism crisis averted.

Finally,

Fantasic Four II (June 15), Die Hard 4 (June 29), Rush Hour III (August 10)

Why?

Jerry Falwell 1933-2007

Farewell and Good Riddance to one of the most disgusting human beings that has ever walked this earth.

Jerry Falwell has died and the world is better off without him in it. The “Reverend” and I use that term loosely was a homophobe, a sexist, and an all around asshole that deserved a death far worse than that which he received.

Because he was a “man of God” Falwell was allowed to spew his bigotry and hatred without repercussion.

Let’s take a look at a few of his comments:

“And, I know that I'll hear from them for this. But, throwing God out successfully with the help of the federal court system, throwing God out of the public square, out of the schools. The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way -- all of them who have tried to secularize America -- I point the finger in their face and say, ‘You helped this happen.’”

This is perhaps Falwell’s most despicable comment in which he blames the attacks of 9/11 on the actions of pagans, abortionists, feminists and homosexuals. Falwell was criticized, but for some reason, he was still allowed to practice his "ministry", and the public still bought into it.

“AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals.”

“There is no separation of church and state. Modern U.S. Supreme Courts have raped the Constitution and raped the Christian faith and raped the churches by misinterpreting what the Founders had in mind in the First Amendment to the Constitution.”

“We're fighting against humanism, we're fighting against liberalism ... we are fighting against all the systems of Satan that are destroying our nation today ... our battle is with Satan himself.”

Let us not forget Falwell’s 1999 accusation that Tinky Winky, the purple teletubbie, was a gay role model and morally damaging to children, simply because the teletubby had a purse.

If anyone else outside the Religious world had made these kinds of comments, they would have been harshly reprimanded and fired from whatever job they held. However, since Religion and the “religious” are given a pass in this country by the media, Falwell was allowed to continue preaching his nonsensical ravings, and the media continued to buy in fish, line and sinker.

Jerry Falwell was no more than a mentally unstable man who liked to believe he was a servant of God. His death should not be met with tears, but rather, the country should rejoice that the man who did far more harm to the image of Christians and Religion in this country than good has finally expired.

- Hank

The PDA

Public Displays of Affection: We see them everywhere, whether it be a couple holding hands as they walk down the street, or two lovebirds who must insist on making out whenever possible in full view of everyone. Yep, they're everywhere and much like these people, they need to die a horrible death.


The truth is no one cares how in love you are. Having to hold hands with your partner everywhere you go is not a beautiful display of your love for one another, rather it's completely vapid and shallow and tells the world, "Hey, we're insecure pricks who must constantly show the world that we are in a relationship."

Making out with your partner in public is also a sickening display. There is nothing more repulsive than glancing over at a couple in the movie theatre or in a restaurant and seeing them fully engaged in tongue wrestling. Now, there is nothing at all wrong with a simple kiss here and there, but there's something fundamentally lacking in both individuals if they cannot express their love for one another without involving their tongue. The tongue should make either no appearance or a very brief appearance of no more than two seconds while in a public setting.
Then you have these people that request to sit in booths in restaurants. But, can they sit across from one another like any normal couple? No, they have to sit next to each other in a booth, even though there is a perfectly good seat across the table from them. This is possibly the most sickening of the PDA's simply because it is by far the most superficial display, not to mention awkward. Can you really not physically be next to this person for the time it takes you to eat a meal? The insecurity level of these people is off the charts entirely. If I was the waiter for these people, I would spit in their food on principle alone.

With the technological breakthroughs of the 21st century have come new and exciting ways to show affection publicly, and Facebook is leading the way with its relationship status function. Not only do you get to tell all of your friends that you're in a relationship, but you get to tell them who the relationship is with and what stage the relationship is in. Joe Smith (University of Texas) is in a relationship with Mary Beth Schultz (University of Florida). Well, congratufuckinglations. It's not enough to say that you are simply in a relationship, but you must also prove that the other person indeed exists. Now all of your friends can be jealous when your relationship status changes from Single to In a Relationship and they can cry with you when your status returns to single again. Your facebook wall can be filled with wall posts from your friends wondering who the new guy/gal in your life is, and it gives you free range to talk about just how great of a couple you guys are.

PDA's are not cute, nor are they sweet. They are simply methods in which people in relationships attempt to communicate just how much being in a relationship defines who they are as a person. To put it bluntly, it's ego masturbation at its most contemptible.

- Hank

The Musical Genius That is Peter Frampton

There were few musical artists as big as Peter Frampton in the 1970's. Frampton's 1976 live album Frampton Comes Alive!, featuring such classics as Baby, I Love Your Way, Do You Feel Like I Do?, and a cover of The Rolling Stones' Jumpin' Jack Flash made him a household name over night and won him the adoration of millions of fans across the world.

Frampton Comes Alive! became the biggest-selling live album of all time and it is widely regarded as Frampton's masterpiece. However, Frampton was unable to achieve the same success on later albums.

Some blame the lack of success on the quality of Frampton's work, while others blame the disco fad of the late 70's and the subsequent hair band fad of the 80's as the reason Frampton lost popularity. However, the reason for Frampton's demise is far more simple than that.

In 1977, Frampton released his eagerly anticipated follow up to Frampton Comes Alive!. What did Frampton title this career defining record??

I'M IN YOU.

yep, you read it correctly.

I'm In You.

Here's proof.

For reasons that should be obvious to you now, I'm In You was a commercial flop, and Frampton's downward spiral into oblivion began soon after. He still released albums though, and a list of these albums can be found below:

1978- I Swear That's Never Happened Before

1981 -I Wish I Was In You Again

1983 - Please, I Promise I'll Be Quick

1986- I'm Going To Put It In You Again Someday

1987- Jerking Off At A Truck Stop Thinking of the Time I Was In You

1990- That Restraining Order Won't Stop Me

1991 - You'll Come Visit Me In Jail Right?

1994 - Ewww....Now Someone Is In Me

So, does anyone still buy Peter Frampton albums, you ask? The answer is yes. Peter Frampton is still huge in flea malls and flea markets across the country, especially those in the wonderful state of Alabama.

Writer Profile: Hank

Hank’s true origins are unknown, yet several rumors persist.

One states that he comes from the Northwest, born of a great clamshell.

Another claims that he was begat by a union of stellar gasses in a distant galaxy.

Others claim that he derives his name, Hank, from the great lineage that he keeps a mystery, but is rumored to include both Hank Aaron AND Hank Williams. Many believe this story to be true because Hank is both a sports expert and an country music aficionado.

But the one most people believe, and I am one, say that he was originally brought forth by an ancient clan of Cave Bears and raised in a time when all beasts and men could change their form. Truly there was no difference between species other than their own perceptions, which, occasionally, they decided to change.

Eventually he began to work with others chronicling their lives on the walls of caves, the sides of rocks-anywhere an image could be made. Especially where they could be seen and shared by others for many years. Now, drawing and painting on cave walls in the form of a Bear is quite hard. Just you try and hold a paint slathered stick in a paw! So Hank decided to change, pretty much permanently, into the form of a human being. He liked human females better anyway. Though they can crush your heart they can't crush your skull with one swipe of their forearm!

After living for years as a tortured cave artist, Hank decided to exercise his true talent: his intellect. He is now in graduate school, pursuing a degree in Communication so that one day, he might share the great story of his life through words, not just with his cave paintings.