What kind of fuckery is this? pt. 2 Heelys Edition

Heelys.

Yes, heelys. The little shoe with the wheel in the heel that allows both kids and adults alike the opportunity to skate whenever they feel like it.

We've all seen kids in the grocery store, airport, or pretty much wherever the little bastards gather whiz by us in them, and we've all probably thought the same thing, "You little shit. I hope you break your collarbone."

Heelys were introduced to America in 2000, and since then the country has been on the brink of disaster. There's even strong evidence to suggest that the introduction of heelys to the United States in 2000 may have been the catalyst for the September 11th attacks. (Hey, it makes just as much sense as Bush's justfication for the Iraq War.)

Whether or not heelys fuel terrorism (they do) is really a moot point. The truth of the matter is that heelys are an absolute disgrace to not only footwear in general but to methods of transportation as well. There is nothing wrong with skating if that is what you would like to do. Except I think there was something invented quite a while ago for people that wanted to do that. hmmm....let me think...hmm....oh, that's right, SKATES. A short time later, someone improved on that idea and came up with ROLLERBLADES. Heelys are an improvement on neither.

Seriously though, heelys represent everything that is wrong with America. Has this nation become so lazy that we can't even walk anymore? Apparently, our children eat so much sugar and watch so much goddamn tv that their little A.D.D. brains get bored with walking, and they must skate or risk falling asleep on their feet.

Heelys also pose the risk of injury to any child that wears them, and this is a good thing. Perhaps, if enough of these little miscreants get seriously injured, states will be forced to pass legislation requiring kids to use helmets, elbow pads, and knee pads while wearing them. Kids would hopefully realize how stupid they look walking through Wal Mart with their parents with a helmet on that they decide never to wear those godforsaken abominations ever again. I'm not suggesting that you should laugh at kids wearing helmets with their heelys in the airport, but oh wait, yes I am. Laugh at them, laugh at them long and hard. Make their self esteem so low that they start listening to emo music at age 10. The future of this country and its well being depends on it.

Then we get to the most disgusting heely offender, and that's anyone over 16 that wears these abominations. It's understandable children would want these things, since by and large, children are stupid. Adults, on the other hand, have no excuse. How little self respect do you have for yourself that you must walk a few feet and then skate a few more? What has gone wrong in your upbringing that has inspired such a lackadaisacal attitude towards having the slightest shred of decency or dignity? With heelys, you have neither.

There is no way for an adult man/woman to wear heelys and be able to justify it. It simply can't be done, because there is no justification for it. Any grown man/woman that buys these things must first subjugate themselves to castration, so they may no longer have the ability to bring children into this world. Then, and only then may that person purchase heelys. This must be done because clearly any adult that purchases heelys for their own personal use is prone to poor decision making, and no child they bring into this world should be subjected to such a poor excuse for a human being. It's simply not fair to the child.

In closing, I'm not trying to incite violence against anyone that wears these things, though if you want to throw a stick at them, that's fine by me. Heelys are simply disgusting, and if this country wants to get back on the right path (a.k.a. America before heelys) these shoes must be banned, and everyone that owns a pair must go on tv and publicly apologize for what they've done. It's the only way they'll learn.

Now, here's a video of a man face planting while wearing heelys. Enjoy!

Is Divorce Really A Bad Thing?

According to a recent article divorce rates in the United States are at their lowest since 1970. Although some people might regard this as a good thing because it means stronger family units and better sanctity of marriage, I have to wonder if divorce is really all that bad.

There are a number of reasons that divorce can be a completely fabulous thing. Children will have the opportunity to have multiple sets of parents, which in turn means more grandparents, which ultimately leads to more money on important holidays and when they lose teeth. Divorce means getting to enjoy the thrills of dating again. Additionally, divorce gives you an excuse to dump your children at someone else's house for the weekend.

Probably the biggest thing we would lose if divorces continued to decline would be the amazing stories they produce. Take for example our hypothetical friends Al and Betty, who have been married for 25 years. Al is a disgruntled construction worker and Betty is a hospice nurse who is well past her prime.

Betty: So, guess what this dying guy said to me today with his final words? He said, "Damn, you're hot." Why don't you ever call me hot anymore Al?
Al: Because you are ugly as shit, Betty. He must have been delirious.
Betty: I've taken your shit for far too long. I want a divorce.
Al: I'd thought you'd never ask.
* Al hands over papers which he had drawn up years ago, in case this glorious moment ever came*
Betty: Fine. I thought you loved me, but I can see now that I was just a fool. Well, I'm going to make a fool of you now. I've faked every orgasm since we started dating 25 years ago. I've never even come close with you.
Al: I was wondering what was up with all that moaning. I wasn't even trying to pleasure you. I'm always looking out for number one and that's it. I nearly had to fake them myself because looking at your ugly wrinkled ass always makes me go soft. So to stay up I just think about your sister. Now there's a looker!
Betty: Well, I guess I have something else I need to confess. You remember that class reunion I went to 3 years ago that you couldn't go to because you were watching the NBA finals? Do you remember? Well, it really wasn't a class reunion. It was a swingers convention. I'm a swinger Al and have been for the past 20 years. I've probably had sex with more than 1,000 guys and every single one of them was better than you.
Al: Well that explains where I got herpes then. It certainly wasn't from all those prostitutes I hired on 'business trips' because I checked all their cards and they were clean.
Betty: Or maybe you got it from Juan..What? Did you not think that I knew about your little affair with our pool boy Al?
Al: Oh I knew. I also had plenty of time to go hook up with your mother. Somehow you seem to be the only one in the family with the ugly gene.
Betty: You had sex with my blind, crippled mother?? You're disgusting.
Al: She may be blind, but she can sure find her way around a man's body.

See? Without the amazing event that is divorce, that amazing exchange may never have taken place. We also would not have all of those classic divorce movies and TV shows. So the next time someone tells you that divorce is a bad thing, remind them of our amazing friends Al and Betty and their amazing cultural commentary.

-Hessie

Future Forecast: Hate Crimes on the Rise; the Rich Get Richer, the Poor Get Poorer, and the Black Man Gets Screwed

Why cant you just shoot the damn Mexicans??
Lou Dobbs really, really Hates Mexicans
Apparently, Lou Dobbs isn't the only one that hates Mexicans...
Are all illegal immigrants Mexican?

What we have here is a national crisis. Illegal immigration and the ineffective laws in place to "prevent" it from happening are fueling a frenzy in the United States. There are multiple issues at stake; the prevalence of frightening intolerance among Americans toward all hispanics, as exhibited above, is just one of the many...

Outside of the obvious racism that exists, not just toward illegal immigrants (many of whom come from other countries, not just Mexico), but toward a majority of hispanic people, there is the issue of the relationship between race and class in America.

This is interesting. I think what may end up happening (even more so than already) is a huge class divide between white Americans and hispanics. There will be a proliferation of clubs similar in nature to the DAR who are trying to keep "American" history alive (read: white history), but what may end up happening is an extreme nationalism that occurred in a situation similar to Nazi Germany. Not that I am in any way, shape, or form making light of the plight of the Jews or trying to be a Nazi sympathizer, but the Nazi Germans were trying to protect their country from being overrun by people they felt jeopardized the success of their country. Right or wrong, this was a mind-set that was pervasive enough that German citizens allowed the Nazi soldiers to commence with the extermination of millions of innocent people.

In no way do I think that legal Mexican immigrants (or any legal immigrants for that matter) should be barred from entering this country, but if things keep going the way they are now with illegal immigrants, there is going to be an even greater hostility toward all minorities (except for blacks) that I think will escalate into violence and greater class divisions. It's entirely possible that the black culture will view the emerging hispanic majority as a threat to their chances of "equality" or success within American (read: white) society. I guarantee that the black community is going to suffer greatly because the hispanic community is taking over the jobs that both blacks and whites refuse to do. The white community has always been in the majority as far as the normative functions of society are concerned, and the hispanic community will be the actual majority in the country. This leaves the black wo/man in a very precarious situation.

In addition, I have recently seen statistics that white upper and middle class people are not reproducing at the rate that lower class minorities are. This influx of illegal working-class immigrants will only increase the number of people in the working class, and result not in the spread of wealth, but in the extreme concentration of wealth among certain demographics (white, educated people that already come from wealthy families). If the democrats think that the majority of this country's wealth is too concentrated now, just keep letting uneducated illegal immigrants into the country. Illegal immigration only serves to make our nation's poor poorer and promote class divisions.

This relationship between race and class has the potential to evolve into a system similar to that of castes in India. I predict in 20 years, our society will look something like this:

Top Socio-economic bracket: White, educated, American-born people

Upper-middle bracket: Black and Asian American-born, educated people

Middle bracket: Other American-born educated minorities, excluding Muslims and Hispanics

Lower-middle bracket: Hispanic American-born, educated people

Lower-class bracket: Hispanic American-born, uneducated people; Muslim American-born, educated people

Lowest bracket: Muslim, American-born, uneducated people; other non-American born minorities.


This is frightening, and the potential for racially-motivated or class-motivated hatred will grow even greater as there grows a misunderstanding and intolerance to other races and nationalities as a result of the poorly-handled issue of illegal immigration.

Car Chases, Swordfights, and Explosions Oh My! A Look At Summer Movies 2007

The summer movie season officially began earlier this month, and Hollywood continued to show that they are officially out of ideas (Miami Vice anyone?) by shoving third installments of Spider Man, Shrek and Pirates of the Caribbean down our throats. All three have already been released, and because movie audiences love that which is familiar and known to them, these movies have all done very well at the box office. Salivating at the thought of the money that can still be made with each franchise, studio executives have no doubt already discussed plans to whore out each series further with a fourth and maybe even a fifth film. Sure the quality will drop significantly and the dialogue will become almost non-existent, but never underestimate the desire of movie audiences around the world to shell out their hard earned money for horrendous films. Titanic made over a billion dollars after all.

The summer movie season is still far from over, and we still have many more potential blockbusters on the horizon to look forward to:

Ocean’s 13 – June 8
Having never seen the first two films in this series, I have no interest in seeing the third, and from what I’ve heard George Clooney is only making these films so Warner Bros. will continue to fund his pet projects like Good Night, and Good Luck and The Good German. Because of star power, the first two made hundreds of millions of dollars at the box office, and because those same A-listers are back for this film, audiences will undoubtedly flock to see it.

Sicko – June 29
Michael Moore is back coming off the mega success of 2004’s Fahrenheit 9/11 that was among the many regrettable reasons George W. Bush won a second term at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. This time, Moore looks at the state of healthcare in America. Because it is a Moore film, you can expect fabrications, falsifications, half-truths and outright lies that better help him to make his point. The issue he’s looking at here is not necessarily a liberal vs. conservative or a democrat vs. republican issue, but you can already guess who’s going to love this movie and who’s going to hate it.

Transformers – July 4
Directed by Michael Bay, the same man that brought us Pearl Harbor, The Island, and pretty much every shitty action movie of the past 10 years, this movie will undoubtedly suck. Will people go see it? Probably. Why? I don’t know. Having never seen the television series or the original movie, I really don’t understand the allure of this movie. Because Bay is directing, there’s probably not a chance in hell of me seeing this, uh, ever.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix – July 13
Further stifling the imagination of children and adults alike, the fifth installment of the best-selling book series hits theaters this summer and the major difference here is that all of the actors in the film can now apply for Social Security. Daniel Radcliffe is coming off trying to distance himself from Harry Potter by appearing naked with a horse on a London stage in the play Equus. (Aside: usually when actors try to reinvent themselves, they play drug addicts, “bad” guys, or mentally challenged people, so Radcliffe should be given props for going the appearing naked on a stage with a horse route) (Second Aside: While he should be given kudos, seriously, what the hell was he thinking?)
Anyway, back to the movie. Not having any vested interest in this movie or the book series, I think it would be hilarious if this movie was a complete flop. Would Warner Bros. scrap production of the last two? Would Radcliffe ever be heard from again? One can only hope it’s a flop, but there’s no possible way it will be.

The Simpsons Movie – July 27
The quality of the show may have gone down in the past five years, but there is no way I will not be seeing this movie. Having watched the show since I was 7 years old, I have been waiting for this movie with baited breath for 2/3 of my life. My expectations will almost assuredly not be met, but I am willing to forgive if the movie is in any way reminiscent to the classic days of the show. I really can’t find a way to be critical of this movie so I’m going to have to find another movie to criticize. Hmmm….hmm….ah

The Bourne Ultimatum – August 3
Let’s see….Matt Damon? Check. Explosions? Check. Car Chases? Check. Well, looks like we got ourselves a movie. Phew, criticism crisis averted.

Finally,

Fantasic Four II (June 15), Die Hard 4 (June 29), Rush Hour III (August 10)

Why?

Is it Smited, Smitten, Smote, or Smut? A Conversation Between Two Atheists and Two Christians

Preface: Hessie, a noted atheist, mocks Jesus by striking a crucifixion pose

E: Yeah, that was like, one day of his life…

Hessie: That’s right, for the rest of it, he was a carpenter...he made cabinets

Housewife: She’s never even seen a Bible

E: She only knows what she reads on atheist Web sites…She saw one, near your book, in Barnes and Noble…

Hessie: Yeah, I have. I have one. It says, Bible, by God. And on the back, it says, About the author.

E: God was born in 1976 in Madison, Wisconsin…

Hessie: God is a teacher, counselor, philosopher…some other crap…

Hank: He was a carpenter

Housewife: That was his son, Jesus

Hank: He was a part time DJ, that radio station, KGOD

Hessie:…his timeless classic, The Bible, has been enjoyed by millions…

Hank: Other works include The Hunt for Red October, Bible 2: Electric Boogaloo, and Tuesdays with Morrie

Hank: I heard he was the ghostwriter of the Koran…

Housewife: That was a myth

Housewife: I wonder how the New Testament was received when it came out…

Hessie: Now guys, I know what they always say about sequels, but really, this one…

Housewife: The Dead Sea Scrolls however, were originally rejected from the publisher. In addition, they were really disappointed with the translation in the King James version. Add in some stuff about homosexuals…and slavery. It will appeal to the American audience

Hank: What’s America?

Hessie: Yeah, homosexuals, and dinosaurs, they’re gonna have questions about that…

Hank: Jonah saw a dinosaur, or something. Maybe it was Job. I don’t know, starts with a J…

Hessie: CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAARLIE…..

E: Can someone stop her?

Housewife: You say that like any of us have control over her…

Hank hits Hessie with bottle, rumble ensues

Ron Paul: What kind of fuckery is this?

Apparently, everyone is buzzing about Ron Paul. And everyone is talking about how no one knows who Ron Paul is. There is a glutton of blog posts regarding this mystery candidate, which in sum, say basically this: "Oh my god, who is Ron Paul?"

Out of the five of us, only Hank knew about this guy who is basically a dark fly on a dark horse. Here's how the conversation went:

Hessie: "Search technorati to see what people are posting about."

Technorati Site: Number one search: Ron Paul

e: "Who the hell is Ron Paul?"

Hank: "You know, he's a presidential candidate --"

Housewife & Hessie: "Right...you don't know..."

Housewife: "Is that like Sean Paul?"

Hessie: "Ron-da Paul. Number One. Champion...We-be-burnin'-and-some-other-words-you-know..."

Hank: "Look it up, look it up! You know, he's the guy Bill Maher called 'RuPaul.' Or something. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention...So anyway, Taboo, it's a 1980s porn --"

Hessie: "You watched it without me?!"

Ok, it was a short conversation, just like all of the blog posts about Ron-da Paul. Short. Because no one knows any other information about him other than that no one knows anything about him. Ron-da Paul and Chris Dodd. The most talked about people that no one talks about.

Coors Light: The Dunce of Light Beers

The following is a re-post of an entry that I made in my other blog many moons ago. I feel that the material is still very relevant and I am interested to know other people's opnions on the subject.

Given the choice between a pitcher of Miller Lite and a pitcher of Coors Light, one night, my friends and I opted for the Miller, soley based on taste. The consensus at the table was that Miller is tasty, and Coors tastes like donkey piss.

I think I know why.

According to the Miller website, Miller Lite is brewed with "only the finest malted barley and choicest hops." Basically, the people who brew Miller are dedicated to making a beer that is actually pleasing to the taste buds. Aside from Miller, many other light beers are also pretty tasty.

Except Coors Light.

So where did Coors go wrong? Venture into the history section of the website, and you will see that founder Adolph Coors decided that using mountain spring water would make for yummy beer, which is why he built the brewery and headquarters in Golden, Colorado. Therein lies the problem. While the fine people at the Miller breweries are carefully selecting hops and barely, the people at Coors are using water that deer and other woodland creatures generally relieve themselves in. Hence the reason some say Coors Light tastes like "piss water."

Now I'm sure they try to purify their water and all, but it seems they should probably focus less on the H2O and more on the stuff that is actually going to affect the taste of the beer. This is probably why Coors has to market Coors Light as "the coldest tasting beer in the world." Too bad that is a lousy marketing strategy.

"Our beer tastes like ass...but it sure is cold!"

Good one, Coors.

There is also an interesting twist. Another agreement we came to at our table last night was that Killians, especially Killian's Irish Red, is totally delicous. So I looked into the matter and guess who I found out makes Killians?

You guessed it...

...Coors!

Now how can a single company make something so tasty and then turn around and make something that tastes like liquified cardboard?

Beats me. But I sure as heck won't be "Tapping the Rockies" anytime soon.

-Hessie