Can you hear me now?

Everyone knows there are certain places where a cell phone should not be used. If your cell phone rings while you are eating dinner with guests, then it is incredibly rude to answer it. (The rudeness level jumps tenfold if you are eating dinner with only one other person.)

When you are being intimate with your partner (a.k.a. sexy time) it is also understood that if your cell phone happens to ring, then you should just let it go. Answering the phone could cause irreparable damage to your partner's self esteem, and it may also kill the mood.

There are more places that come to mind, but perhaps the most egregious is the restroom. Your own private bathroom is bad enough, but a public restroom is inexcusable.

Imagine my surprise when I walked into a WalMart restroom about a month ago to hear a man's voice coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. I went up to the urinal thinking that he may have been talking to me, but I in no shape, way or form was about to reply. Then I realized he was not talking to me; rather he was engaged in a conversation with someone on his cell phone. Now, I realize this is WalMart, so I can't expect too much out of the patrons that shop there, but how little respect does this guy have for the person he is talking to?


I can't even begin to imagine what was going through his head when the phone rang. "Oh, I'm sitting on the toilet in a WalMart, but I'm sure the person who is calling me won't mind if I talk to them now." At what point in his life did he give up on decency?

There is no decency in a person that chooses to answer, or god forbid, make a phone call while they are in the restroom. When his parents were going over the rules for being a courteous and polite person, he must have been napping. At some point in his life, he ceased to care about being the slightest bit presentable, and it was probably at that same time he started watching Nascar while eating entire bags of Cheetos and scratching himself. This may seem harsh, but until you actually see and hear someone answering their cell phone in the restroom, it simply defies belief.

I'm not really asking for much here. So, for the sake of everyone on this planet, please let nature's call be the only call you answer when you use the restroom.

The sad excuse for a human being that is Michael Vick

Who could have guessed that one of the most gifted quarterbacks of all time is also one of the biggest assholes on the planet?

The crimes that Michael Vick has been charged with are repulsive to say the least. The fact that he ran a kennel in Virginia (Bad Newz) to train dogs to fight to the death is bad enough. However, the way Vick and his cohorts put down the dogs that lost or were too weak to fight is simply unforgivable.

On one occasion, a dog was doused with water and then electrocuted.
Dogs were often killed by hanging, gunshots to the head and another allegation states that one dog was slammed to the ground. This was only necessary if the dogs didn't die in the fight itself.

Dogs were also allegedly starved so they would be "more hungry for the other dog."

Then there's the so-called "rape stand" that was found on Vick's Virginia property. It consists of two steel poles mounted to the ends of a platform that's often made of wood. U-shaped pieces of curved metal sit atop each pole; one goes around the belly of a female pit bull and the other around her neck. (Slate.com) The rape stand allows the meanest female pit bulls to breed with the meanest male pit bulls in hopes of creating offspring that are born fighters.

A raid on Vick's home in April found upwards of 50 dogs that were mistreated and neglected. That should be enough evidence to put Vick away for life without opportunity for parole. However, Virginia law states that the maximum punishment for dog fighting is only five years in jail and a $2500 fine. If Michael Vick is convicted, this is simply not enough.

This is what should happen. (and would in a perfect world)

These allegations against Michael Vick are heinous and the Atlanta Falcons must release him from his contract with the team. Vick will likely be in and out of court all season, and the negative publicity this has already generated will likely follow Vick and the Falcons all season long. With a new coach at the helm, this is not what the Falcons need.

The NFL must forgive the Falcons the rest of Vick's contract, and he must be suspended no less than two years. Vick may be one of the most gifted and talented quarterbacks ever to play the game, but he and his cohorts must go to jail for their crime for no less than 10 years without possibility for parole. He would be 37 when he is released, and this would ensure that his best years are far behind him. Vick simply should not be given an opportunity to play in the NFL or any kind of professional football league ever again, and sadly, even this is not punishment enough for the crimes he has committed.

Heelys unsafe?? no way! I would have never guessed that.

Heely Article 1

Heely Article 2


Let's see...

1,600 injuries, a few life threatening
1 death so far

I think it's about time we start making these heathens wear protective gear, don't you?

Avril Lavigne vs The Rubinoos - Who is really at fault?

As you may know, pop star Avril Lavigne is being sued by 70's band The Rubinoos for allegedly lifting her latest song "Girlfriend" from their 1979 song "I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend."

The pop culture community is up in arms. It's the "Ice Ice Baby" drama all over again. People haven't felt this betrayed since Milli Vanilli's tape started skipping. A lot of people seem absolutely convinced of her guilt.

I, however, remain skeptical. People are so quick to point fingers and assign blame that they don't seem to really have taken a close look at the evidence. Let's examine the lyrics of these two songs a bit more closely.

"Girlfriend"                                            "I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend"

Hey! Hey! You! You!                            Sitting here so close, together
I don't like your girlfriend!                 So far we're just friends, but I'm wondering whether
No way No way!                                     I, am I just imagining
I think you need a new one                    You, or do you really have a thing for me
Hey! Hey! You! You!                          Like I think I see when I see you smile
I could be your girlfriend                     And the smile's for me, I wanna tell you...

Hey! Hey! You! You!                       Hey, You, I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend
I know that you like me                    Trying to say I wanna be your number one
No way! No way!                                Hey, You, I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend
No it's not a secret                             Gonna make you love me before I'm done
Hey! Hey! You! You!                     
I want to be your girlfriend                       Late at night when I, when I can't sleep
                                                   Picture in my mind, I see you and me
You're so fine                                         I, I'm telling you what I wanna be
I want you mine                                  You, you're saying you're in love with me
You're so delicious                                  And oh, it feels so good in a dream
I think about you all the time                  That I know in life it's just got to be
You're so addictive                                  I wanna tell you...

Don't you know what I could do to make you feel alright?
Don't pretend I think you know I'm damn precious
And hell yeah
I'm the mother f**king princess
I can tell you like me too and you know I'm right

Even a quick skim of these lyrics clearly reveals that other than the first line of the chorus, the songs are completely different. Even though the one line is verbatim, it isn't the world's most original line. Any idiot with a basic understanding of the English language could have come up with that on their own. The music, on the other hand, bears mild similarities at best. It is therefore my humble opinion that while "Girlfriend" might have been mildly inspired by the Rubinoos' song, it certainly does not have enough similarities to win a court case. Personally, I think the Rubinoos heard Avril's song and were so upset that her lyrically-challenged piece was vastly more popular than their work that they decided to sue for a little piece of the spotlight. Frankly, if the people who wrote "Girlfriend" were inspired by the 1979 song, the Rubinoos should be thanking their lucky stars that there is actually a human on this earth who has heard it.

The facts in this case are clear: The Rubinoos are desperate for a tiny slice of the limelight and Avril's lyrics are hopelessly unoriginal. My official forecast is that the Rubinoos don't stand a chance in court. It's pretty pathetic all around.

Case dismissed.

-Hessie

Media Poster

This picture pretty much sums up the modern media landscape.

What kind of fuckery is this? pt. 2 Heelys Edition

Heelys.

Yes, heelys. The little shoe with the wheel in the heel that allows both kids and adults alike the opportunity to skate whenever they feel like it.

We've all seen kids in the grocery store, airport, or pretty much wherever the little bastards gather whiz by us in them, and we've all probably thought the same thing, "You little shit. I hope you break your collarbone."

Heelys were introduced to America in 2000, and since then the country has been on the brink of disaster. There's even strong evidence to suggest that the introduction of heelys to the United States in 2000 may have been the catalyst for the September 11th attacks. (Hey, it makes just as much sense as Bush's justfication for the Iraq War.)

Whether or not heelys fuel terrorism (they do) is really a moot point. The truth of the matter is that heelys are an absolute disgrace to not only footwear in general but to methods of transportation as well. There is nothing wrong with skating if that is what you would like to do. Except I think there was something invented quite a while ago for people that wanted to do that. hmmm....let me think...hmm....oh, that's right, SKATES. A short time later, someone improved on that idea and came up with ROLLERBLADES. Heelys are an improvement on neither.

Seriously though, heelys represent everything that is wrong with America. Has this nation become so lazy that we can't even walk anymore? Apparently, our children eat so much sugar and watch so much goddamn tv that their little A.D.D. brains get bored with walking, and they must skate or risk falling asleep on their feet.

Heelys also pose the risk of injury to any child that wears them, and this is a good thing. Perhaps, if enough of these little miscreants get seriously injured, states will be forced to pass legislation requiring kids to use helmets, elbow pads, and knee pads while wearing them. Kids would hopefully realize how stupid they look walking through Wal Mart with their parents with a helmet on that they decide never to wear those godforsaken abominations ever again. I'm not suggesting that you should laugh at kids wearing helmets with their heelys in the airport, but oh wait, yes I am. Laugh at them, laugh at them long and hard. Make their self esteem so low that they start listening to emo music at age 10. The future of this country and its well being depends on it.

Then we get to the most disgusting heely offender, and that's anyone over 16 that wears these abominations. It's understandable children would want these things, since by and large, children are stupid. Adults, on the other hand, have no excuse. How little self respect do you have for yourself that you must walk a few feet and then skate a few more? What has gone wrong in your upbringing that has inspired such a lackadaisacal attitude towards having the slightest shred of decency or dignity? With heelys, you have neither.

There is no way for an adult man/woman to wear heelys and be able to justify it. It simply can't be done, because there is no justification for it. Any grown man/woman that buys these things must first subjugate themselves to castration, so they may no longer have the ability to bring children into this world. Then, and only then may that person purchase heelys. This must be done because clearly any adult that purchases heelys for their own personal use is prone to poor decision making, and no child they bring into this world should be subjected to such a poor excuse for a human being. It's simply not fair to the child.

In closing, I'm not trying to incite violence against anyone that wears these things, though if you want to throw a stick at them, that's fine by me. Heelys are simply disgusting, and if this country wants to get back on the right path (a.k.a. America before heelys) these shoes must be banned, and everyone that owns a pair must go on tv and publicly apologize for what they've done. It's the only way they'll learn.

Now, here's a video of a man face planting while wearing heelys. Enjoy!

Is Divorce Really A Bad Thing?

According to a recent article divorce rates in the United States are at their lowest since 1970. Although some people might regard this as a good thing because it means stronger family units and better sanctity of marriage, I have to wonder if divorce is really all that bad.

There are a number of reasons that divorce can be a completely fabulous thing. Children will have the opportunity to have multiple sets of parents, which in turn means more grandparents, which ultimately leads to more money on important holidays and when they lose teeth. Divorce means getting to enjoy the thrills of dating again. Additionally, divorce gives you an excuse to dump your children at someone else's house for the weekend.

Probably the biggest thing we would lose if divorces continued to decline would be the amazing stories they produce. Take for example our hypothetical friends Al and Betty, who have been married for 25 years. Al is a disgruntled construction worker and Betty is a hospice nurse who is well past her prime.

Betty: So, guess what this dying guy said to me today with his final words? He said, "Damn, you're hot." Why don't you ever call me hot anymore Al?
Al: Because you are ugly as shit, Betty. He must have been delirious.
Betty: I've taken your shit for far too long. I want a divorce.
Al: I'd thought you'd never ask.
* Al hands over papers which he had drawn up years ago, in case this glorious moment ever came*
Betty: Fine. I thought you loved me, but I can see now that I was just a fool. Well, I'm going to make a fool of you now. I've faked every orgasm since we started dating 25 years ago. I've never even come close with you.
Al: I was wondering what was up with all that moaning. I wasn't even trying to pleasure you. I'm always looking out for number one and that's it. I nearly had to fake them myself because looking at your ugly wrinkled ass always makes me go soft. So to stay up I just think about your sister. Now there's a looker!
Betty: Well, I guess I have something else I need to confess. You remember that class reunion I went to 3 years ago that you couldn't go to because you were watching the NBA finals? Do you remember? Well, it really wasn't a class reunion. It was a swingers convention. I'm a swinger Al and have been for the past 20 years. I've probably had sex with more than 1,000 guys and every single one of them was better than you.
Al: Well that explains where I got herpes then. It certainly wasn't from all those prostitutes I hired on 'business trips' because I checked all their cards and they were clean.
Betty: Or maybe you got it from Juan..What? Did you not think that I knew about your little affair with our pool boy Al?
Al: Oh I knew. I also had plenty of time to go hook up with your mother. Somehow you seem to be the only one in the family with the ugly gene.
Betty: You had sex with my blind, crippled mother?? You're disgusting.
Al: She may be blind, but she can sure find her way around a man's body.

See? Without the amazing event that is divorce, that amazing exchange may never have taken place. We also would not have all of those classic divorce movies and TV shows. So the next time someone tells you that divorce is a bad thing, remind them of our amazing friends Al and Betty and their amazing cultural commentary.

-Hessie