Vote Stephen Colbert (In South Carolina atleast)

Looking at the field of candidates for President on both the Republican and Democratic side of the aisle is enough to make a person cry. It truly shows how screwed America is when these candidates are the best we can do. But, hold the phone. America may not be so screwed after all. Two short weeks ago, something miraculous happened. A man with a vision joined the race. Who is this man? None other than Stephen Tiberius Colbert.

Colbert is the perfect candidate. Unlike the other frontrunners, Colbert does not hide his bullshit. He makes it an important part of his campaign. Colbert does not see race, because he is colorblind. He may be an African American male for all he knows.

More of Colbert's policies can be found in his best selling book I Am America (And So Can You), and I guarantee you, if you are not won over by his policy on the elderly, then you must question if America is truly the country for you.

Colbert may only be running in his home state of South Carolina, but an overwhelming Republican and Democrat primary victory for Colbert in the Palmetto state would show the rest of the country that... Stpehen Colbert can win in South Carolina. A facebook group dedicated to Colbert (1,000,000 Strong for Stephen T Colbert) reached its 1,000,000 plateau in only 10 days and it is now looking to become the biggest group on Facebook.

The country (or atleast 1.1 million facebookers) stand firmly behind Stephen Colbert, and South Carolina must too. President Bush set a high standard for the amount of bullshit that can be spewed in a presidency, but I am confident Colbert can spew far more and he'll only need one term to do it.

So South Carolina and the rest of the country (but mainly South Carolina) must make the right choice on both January 19th (Republican Primary) and January 26th (Democrat Primary), and that right choice is a vote for freedom which goes by the name of Stephen Tiberius Colbert.

A plea to Britney Spears

Dear Ms. Spears,

I write this letter to you not as a friend, not as a fan, but as a person concerned for the well being of this planet. In the past few years as your career has taken a downturn (not really your fault, marrying a talentless backup dancer and getting knocked up twice can happen to anyone) you have decided to make a bold move with your wardrobe choices. It's not really what you have been wearing, but what you haven't been wearing that causes me great concern. Yes, Britney, I'm talking about underwear. For the love of all that is holy, put some on. I can't tell you how many times I have seen your vagina as you've gotten into cars in the past two years. Frankly, I am tired of seeing your vagina. If this was five or seven years ago, I would have no problem with you showing your vagina whenever you wanted, but you have kids now, or atleast you did until the courts awarded them to your out of work, deadbeat husband, and seeing your vagina is no prize any longer. I know the money isn't flowing in like it used to, but seriously, a pair of panties isn't that expensive. There's this place called K-Mart that I'm sure you're familiar with. You can buy yourself a pair there for about $2.00 and spare the eyes of the world next time someone snaps a picture of you getting in or out of your car.

Britney, I beg of you, put some underwear on. I know being hungover every morning when you wake up can make you forget things, but please find a way to remember this. If you have to write yourself a note, or tie a string around your finger, I don't care as long as you remember to put underwear on each morning before you leave your house/double wide. If not for me and the other 6 billion people that live on this earth, do it for your kids. Do you really want them to grow up and make the same mistakes you did? You can prevent this from happening by just putting on a pair of panties before you leave your house in the morning. I know your latest musical abomination is called "Gimme More" but I guarantee that if you asked a large audience, "Who would like to see my vagina again?," that would not be their reply.

Sincerely,

The World

Yes, we are alive

To anyone who may read this, we are sorry for the recent lack of new posts. We have been up to our eyeballs in graduate school craziness, which has seriously cut down on available writing time. Not to fear though, new posts will be coming soon. Check back in a week or so for more amazing insights from your friends at Cultural Subterfuge.

Top 10 Worst Religious Country Songs of All Time: #9 - Jesus Was A Country Boy

This week's pick for one of the worst religious country songs of all time is Jesus Was A Country Boy by Clay Walker.

Apparently the guy in the song is fed up with all the high tech preachers on TV and therefore reaches the logical conclusion that Jesus must have been a good ol' boy. Check out this gem of a chorus:


Cuz Jesus was a country boy
Walkin' down a dirt road with everything that he owned
He never met a stranger
Born in a barn, underneath the stars
His momma laid him in a manger
Swimmin’ in the river fishin' for his dinner livin' with the sinners like me
Makes me think that Jesus was a country boy


I don't even know where to begin with this. First of all, I doubt they had asphalt back then, so of course Jesus was on a dirt road. And unless he had a nice storage unit or airport locker, he would pretty much have to cart around everything he owns. I don't see being born near a bunch of piles of cow manure to be something to brag about either, and since the Wal-Mart Supercenter in Jerusalem probably wasn't finished yet, he would undoubtedly had to have fished for his food.

After this atrocity of a chorus, the song then goes on to ramble about the man's father and how he wasn't religious, but he was going to heaven anyway because Jesus was a country boy just like him. How is that fair? So what, all of the urban non-religious people are doomed to hell? Yeah, that seems fair.

This is why religion is stupid.

Clay Walker, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Top 10 Worst Religious Country Songs of All Time: #10 - Jesus Take the Wheel

Over the next 10 weeks, I will reveal a different religious country song and explain why it should be banned from the face of the earth.

This week's song is Jesus Take the Wheel by Carrie Underwood.

The song starts off with some woman driving home in the snow with her baby in the backseat. She hits an icy patch and the car starts to spin out of control. Our genius driver decided to take her hands off the wheel, and as she does so she is thinking the following:

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

Now, any certified driving instructor will tell you that when you lose control of your vehicle, the best thing you can do is take your foot off of the brake and steer in the direction you want to go. Seeing as how cars were not around during Jesus' time, I hardly think he is qualified to deal with the situation.

Fortunately, she and her baby survive the ordeal, but it is only from sheer dumb luck rather than magical intervention. And yet here we have this song telling people that when they are in mortal peril they should ignore everything they learned in driving school and hope that some mystical dead guy swoops in and saves the day. I don't think this is something we should be teaching our children.

Of course, it doesn't end there. After living through the crash, the woman decides that it would be wise to let Jesus "Take the wheel" in all aspects of her life. This really is not a smart move. Jesus didn't save you from that car crash, and he sure as hell isn't going to get you out of jury duty or pay that mountain of parking tickets. So while you are letting Jesus run your life, I'll be over here taking care of things on my own.

Songs like this just disturb me.

-Hessie

Can you hear me now?

Everyone knows there are certain places where a cell phone should not be used. If your cell phone rings while you are eating dinner with guests, then it is incredibly rude to answer it. (The rudeness level jumps tenfold if you are eating dinner with only one other person.)

When you are being intimate with your partner (a.k.a. sexy time) it is also understood that if your cell phone happens to ring, then you should just let it go. Answering the phone could cause irreparable damage to your partner's self esteem, and it may also kill the mood.

There are more places that come to mind, but perhaps the most egregious is the restroom. Your own private bathroom is bad enough, but a public restroom is inexcusable.

Imagine my surprise when I walked into a WalMart restroom about a month ago to hear a man's voice coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. I went up to the urinal thinking that he may have been talking to me, but I in no shape, way or form was about to reply. Then I realized he was not talking to me; rather he was engaged in a conversation with someone on his cell phone. Now, I realize this is WalMart, so I can't expect too much out of the patrons that shop there, but how little respect does this guy have for the person he is talking to?


I can't even begin to imagine what was going through his head when the phone rang. "Oh, I'm sitting on the toilet in a WalMart, but I'm sure the person who is calling me won't mind if I talk to them now." At what point in his life did he give up on decency?

There is no decency in a person that chooses to answer, or god forbid, make a phone call while they are in the restroom. When his parents were going over the rules for being a courteous and polite person, he must have been napping. At some point in his life, he ceased to care about being the slightest bit presentable, and it was probably at that same time he started watching Nascar while eating entire bags of Cheetos and scratching himself. This may seem harsh, but until you actually see and hear someone answering their cell phone in the restroom, it simply defies belief.

I'm not really asking for much here. So, for the sake of everyone on this planet, please let nature's call be the only call you answer when you use the restroom.

The sad excuse for a human being that is Michael Vick

Who could have guessed that one of the most gifted quarterbacks of all time is also one of the biggest assholes on the planet?

The crimes that Michael Vick has been charged with are repulsive to say the least. The fact that he ran a kennel in Virginia (Bad Newz) to train dogs to fight to the death is bad enough. However, the way Vick and his cohorts put down the dogs that lost or were too weak to fight is simply unforgivable.

On one occasion, a dog was doused with water and then electrocuted.
Dogs were often killed by hanging, gunshots to the head and another allegation states that one dog was slammed to the ground. This was only necessary if the dogs didn't die in the fight itself.

Dogs were also allegedly starved so they would be "more hungry for the other dog."

Then there's the so-called "rape stand" that was found on Vick's Virginia property. It consists of two steel poles mounted to the ends of a platform that's often made of wood. U-shaped pieces of curved metal sit atop each pole; one goes around the belly of a female pit bull and the other around her neck. (Slate.com) The rape stand allows the meanest female pit bulls to breed with the meanest male pit bulls in hopes of creating offspring that are born fighters.

A raid on Vick's home in April found upwards of 50 dogs that were mistreated and neglected. That should be enough evidence to put Vick away for life without opportunity for parole. However, Virginia law states that the maximum punishment for dog fighting is only five years in jail and a $2500 fine. If Michael Vick is convicted, this is simply not enough.

This is what should happen. (and would in a perfect world)

These allegations against Michael Vick are heinous and the Atlanta Falcons must release him from his contract with the team. Vick will likely be in and out of court all season, and the negative publicity this has already generated will likely follow Vick and the Falcons all season long. With a new coach at the helm, this is not what the Falcons need.

The NFL must forgive the Falcons the rest of Vick's contract, and he must be suspended no less than two years. Vick may be one of the most gifted and talented quarterbacks ever to play the game, but he and his cohorts must go to jail for their crime for no less than 10 years without possibility for parole. He would be 37 when he is released, and this would ensure that his best years are far behind him. Vick simply should not be given an opportunity to play in the NFL or any kind of professional football league ever again, and sadly, even this is not punishment enough for the crimes he has committed.