Can you hear me now?

Everyone knows there are certain places where a cell phone should not be used. If your cell phone rings while you are eating dinner with guests, then it is incredibly rude to answer it. (The rudeness level jumps tenfold if you are eating dinner with only one other person.)

When you are being intimate with your partner (a.k.a. sexy time) it is also understood that if your cell phone happens to ring, then you should just let it go. Answering the phone could cause irreparable damage to your partner's self esteem, and it may also kill the mood.

There are more places that come to mind, but perhaps the most egregious is the restroom. Your own private bathroom is bad enough, but a public restroom is inexcusable.

Imagine my surprise when I walked into a WalMart restroom about a month ago to hear a man's voice coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. I went up to the urinal thinking that he may have been talking to me, but I in no shape, way or form was about to reply. Then I realized he was not talking to me; rather he was engaged in a conversation with someone on his cell phone. Now, I realize this is WalMart, so I can't expect too much out of the patrons that shop there, but how little respect does this guy have for the person he is talking to?


I can't even begin to imagine what was going through his head when the phone rang. "Oh, I'm sitting on the toilet in a WalMart, but I'm sure the person who is calling me won't mind if I talk to them now." At what point in his life did he give up on decency?

There is no decency in a person that chooses to answer, or god forbid, make a phone call while they are in the restroom. When his parents were going over the rules for being a courteous and polite person, he must have been napping. At some point in his life, he ceased to care about being the slightest bit presentable, and it was probably at that same time he started watching Nascar while eating entire bags of Cheetos and scratching himself. This may seem harsh, but until you actually see and hear someone answering their cell phone in the restroom, it simply defies belief.

I'm not really asking for much here. So, for the sake of everyone on this planet, please let nature's call be the only call you answer when you use the restroom.

The sad excuse for a human being that is Michael Vick

Who could have guessed that one of the most gifted quarterbacks of all time is also one of the biggest assholes on the planet?

The crimes that Michael Vick has been charged with are repulsive to say the least. The fact that he ran a kennel in Virginia (Bad Newz) to train dogs to fight to the death is bad enough. However, the way Vick and his cohorts put down the dogs that lost or were too weak to fight is simply unforgivable.

On one occasion, a dog was doused with water and then electrocuted.
Dogs were often killed by hanging, gunshots to the head and another allegation states that one dog was slammed to the ground. This was only necessary if the dogs didn't die in the fight itself.

Dogs were also allegedly starved so they would be "more hungry for the other dog."

Then there's the so-called "rape stand" that was found on Vick's Virginia property. It consists of two steel poles mounted to the ends of a platform that's often made of wood. U-shaped pieces of curved metal sit atop each pole; one goes around the belly of a female pit bull and the other around her neck. (Slate.com) The rape stand allows the meanest female pit bulls to breed with the meanest male pit bulls in hopes of creating offspring that are born fighters.

A raid on Vick's home in April found upwards of 50 dogs that were mistreated and neglected. That should be enough evidence to put Vick away for life without opportunity for parole. However, Virginia law states that the maximum punishment for dog fighting is only five years in jail and a $2500 fine. If Michael Vick is convicted, this is simply not enough.

This is what should happen. (and would in a perfect world)

These allegations against Michael Vick are heinous and the Atlanta Falcons must release him from his contract with the team. Vick will likely be in and out of court all season, and the negative publicity this has already generated will likely follow Vick and the Falcons all season long. With a new coach at the helm, this is not what the Falcons need.

The NFL must forgive the Falcons the rest of Vick's contract, and he must be suspended no less than two years. Vick may be one of the most gifted and talented quarterbacks ever to play the game, but he and his cohorts must go to jail for their crime for no less than 10 years without possibility for parole. He would be 37 when he is released, and this would ensure that his best years are far behind him. Vick simply should not be given an opportunity to play in the NFL or any kind of professional football league ever again, and sadly, even this is not punishment enough for the crimes he has committed.

Heelys unsafe?? no way! I would have never guessed that.

Heely Article 1

Heely Article 2


Let's see...

1,600 injuries, a few life threatening
1 death so far

I think it's about time we start making these heathens wear protective gear, don't you?

Avril Lavigne vs The Rubinoos - Who is really at fault?

As you may know, pop star Avril Lavigne is being sued by 70's band The Rubinoos for allegedly lifting her latest song "Girlfriend" from their 1979 song "I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend."

The pop culture community is up in arms. It's the "Ice Ice Baby" drama all over again. People haven't felt this betrayed since Milli Vanilli's tape started skipping. A lot of people seem absolutely convinced of her guilt.

I, however, remain skeptical. People are so quick to point fingers and assign blame that they don't seem to really have taken a close look at the evidence. Let's examine the lyrics of these two songs a bit more closely.

"Girlfriend"                                            "I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend"

Hey! Hey! You! You!                            Sitting here so close, together
I don't like your girlfriend!                 So far we're just friends, but I'm wondering whether
No way No way!                                     I, am I just imagining
I think you need a new one                    You, or do you really have a thing for me
Hey! Hey! You! You!                          Like I think I see when I see you smile
I could be your girlfriend                     And the smile's for me, I wanna tell you...

Hey! Hey! You! You!                       Hey, You, I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend
I know that you like me                    Trying to say I wanna be your number one
No way! No way!                                Hey, You, I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend
No it's not a secret                             Gonna make you love me before I'm done
Hey! Hey! You! You!                     
I want to be your girlfriend                       Late at night when I, when I can't sleep
                                                   Picture in my mind, I see you and me
You're so fine                                         I, I'm telling you what I wanna be
I want you mine                                  You, you're saying you're in love with me
You're so delicious                                  And oh, it feels so good in a dream
I think about you all the time                  That I know in life it's just got to be
You're so addictive                                  I wanna tell you...

Don't you know what I could do to make you feel alright?
Don't pretend I think you know I'm damn precious
And hell yeah
I'm the mother f**king princess
I can tell you like me too and you know I'm right

Even a quick skim of these lyrics clearly reveals that other than the first line of the chorus, the songs are completely different. Even though the one line is verbatim, it isn't the world's most original line. Any idiot with a basic understanding of the English language could have come up with that on their own. The music, on the other hand, bears mild similarities at best. It is therefore my humble opinion that while "Girlfriend" might have been mildly inspired by the Rubinoos' song, it certainly does not have enough similarities to win a court case. Personally, I think the Rubinoos heard Avril's song and were so upset that her lyrically-challenged piece was vastly more popular than their work that they decided to sue for a little piece of the spotlight. Frankly, if the people who wrote "Girlfriend" were inspired by the 1979 song, the Rubinoos should be thanking their lucky stars that there is actually a human on this earth who has heard it.

The facts in this case are clear: The Rubinoos are desperate for a tiny slice of the limelight and Avril's lyrics are hopelessly unoriginal. My official forecast is that the Rubinoos don't stand a chance in court. It's pretty pathetic all around.

Case dismissed.

-Hessie

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