Worst of 2007 -- A Call for Nominations

Well what would the end of the year be without a nice post where we throw in one last rant about 2007? This year we are kicking off a new tradition with a "Worst of" post in which we will decide on who the big losers are from this year. Below is a list of categories. Please take a moment to read them and submit your nominations for any or all of the categories. Sometime around the new year we will post the winners.

The Categories:

Song that should have never made it on to the airwaves

Movie that least deserved to be in theaters

Most useless consumer product

Most ridiculous celebrity moment

Most un-newsworthy news story

Person who was the worst at life

Dumbest statement

Ugliest fashion trend

Most embarrassing moment for our country

Overall worst moment of the year (aka thing about 2007 that pissed you off the most)

Best thing about 2007 (because there is bound to be something)

Submit your nominations now!

What kind of fuckery is this? Pt.3 - Ham Soda edition

Jones Soda is marketing four new flavors of soda just in time for the holiday season. (CNN) The "Christmas Pack" as they call it features Sugar Plum, Christmas Tree, Egg Nog, and perhaps the most mouthwatering flavor Christmas Ham.

Now, if you are one of the dozens of people in this world that have had the thought, "Hmm...this ham is good, but I wonder what it would be like if I could drink it. I bet that would be much better" this comes as good news. Finally, your ham flavored beverage dreams have come true.

However, for the other 6 billion intelligent people that inhabit this planet, this is a slap in the face to deceny and self respect. Why? No one should drink a goddamn ham flavored drink. No one. Not your mother. Not your Aunt Glenda. Not Bob from down the street with the tennis court in his front yard. NO ONE.

Now, I have not tasted the drink, and I have no plans to do so (See above for why). So, could it possibly be a taste explosion of wonder and delight? Could it possibly be the one drink that makes the holiday season merry and bright? Could it be the best tasting soda ever?

Um, NO!

It's a drink that tastes like a motherfucking ham. If that hasn't dawned on you yet, then you need to do the rest of us a favor and put yourself in a self induced coma for a few years. Sit a few years out. We won't miss you.

Now, some may say that "I'm buying these because I read that a portion of the proceeds go to charity." While this may be true, no charity in the world could possibly be in such dire need that they have to accept money from the sales of Christmas Ham Soda.

So, if you want to ensure that decency and good taste doesn't officially call it quits this holiday season, please keep Ham Flavored Beverages off your Christmas List. I know delicious Ham flavoring in a can is tempting, but please, show some restraint.

Top 10 Worst Religious Country Songs of All Time: #7 -- This is God

Today's country abomination is "This is God" by Phil Vassar.

Basically, the song is God's first person account of how much the world sucks. Either that, or Phil Vassar believes that he is actually God.

In the song, this "God" character is basically like a whiny teenager complaining about why the world isn't perfect and asking everyone to please get along. Here is a taste of what the song includes:

Yeah, this is God
I've given everything to you
But look at what you do
to the world that I created
This is God
What's with this attitude and hate
You grow more ignorant with age
You had it made, now look at all you've wasted

I have a few objections to this. First, why is he complaining so much about a world that he claims he created? That's like Bill Gates bitching about how much Windows Vista sucks. Come on God, it's not our fault you developed such a terrible product. Then, rather than taking the blame for the problems on this planet, he begs us humans to please fix things for him. Hey man, it's not my fault you created Britney Spears and George W. Bush. You broke it, you fix it.

If you are going to complain about the world so much, then why don't you step up and fix things? Oh yeah, because you don't exist.

Phil Vassar, this song is horrible, and you have no one to blame but yourself.

Megan Meier Suicide -- Fighting Back Against Immature Adults

Many of you are probably already aware of the tragic story of Megan Meier, a young girl who committed suicide last October. If you are not, here is the basic story, as told by the Los Angeles Times:

For nearly a year, the families who live along Waterford Crystal Drive in this bedroom community northwest of St. Louis have kept the secret about the boy Megan Meier met last September on the social networking site MySpace.

He called himself Josh Evans, and he and 13-year-old Megan struck up an online friendship that lasted several weeks. Then the boy abruptly turned on Megan and ended it. That night, Megan, who had previously battled depression, committed suicide.

The secret was revealed six weeks later: Neighbor Lori Drew had pretended to be 16-year-old Josh to gain the trust of Megan, who had been fighting with Drew's daughter, according to sheriff's department records and Megan's parents.

Please go here to read the full story.

In my opinion, Megan's demise is completely the fault of the neighbors who created the fake MySpace identity. What is truly sad is that it was not just a young girl playing a prank, rather the whole thing was orchestrated by a grown woman, someone who should have been mature enough to let her daughter deal with her own drama. Not only that, but it is also clear to me that Megan's suicide was directly triggered by the MySpace incident, and it completely sickens me that the family at fault has offered no type of apology or remorse whatsoever. It also saddens me that there isn't any way these people can be brought up on criminal charges.

There is, however, a small beacon of hope. According to the Los Angeles Times, the community and other people across the country are fighting back. I think in these situations, it is important for citizens to take matters into their own hands and teach the culprits a lesson. I encourage anyone who reads this to take a cue from these great citizens and join in the crusade to make these people's lives hell. These idiots need to take responsibility for their actions. In addition, I think everyone should offer their support to Megan's parents, who have to deal with such an overwhelming tragedy.

Furthermore, it is cases like this that bring about the importance of being extra careful in regards to the internet. Obviously, this Josh character was very convincing (probably because he was created by an adult), but this serves as a further warning as to why people need to take care when talking to people they don't know online. Take anything said by a stranger with a grain of salt, because you never know if that person is genuine, or if they are a 58-year-old overweight unemployed guy trying to fill some sad void in his life by screwing with people online. So please, if you have children, teach them at an early age to be wary of people on the internet. Let's do what we can to make sure something like this never happens again.

Things/People I am not thankful for

Thanksgiving is a time when people reflect on what they are truly thankful for, whether it be good health, friends, a new job, whatever. While I, too, have things that I am thankful for this year, I would like to focus on the things and the people I am not thankful for. For the sake of time and space, I will narrow the list to 20.

1. The song "Crank Dat Soulja Boy" the guy responsible for "Crank Dat Soulja Boy" and the people that have purchased the song "Crank Dat Soulja Boy" or the album "Crank Dat Soulja Boy" is on.
2. The Fox News Channel/Fox News Business Channel
3. People that quote Family Guy in every conversation they have
4. Heelys/Crocs and other ridculously ugly show abominations
5. people named Jamie or any spelling derivative of that
6. the high five/people that high five
7. the need for casual dining restaurants to hang weird shit on their walls (belt buckles, skis, boots, etc.)
8. Emo Punk music and its bands (Fall Out Boy, Cute Is What We Aim For, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, etc.)
9. any sandwich/hamburger with more than 1,000 calories
10. any television program/website/magazine that focuses on celebrities
11. Larry The Cable Guy
12. people that can't take a joke
13. the phrase "That's what I'm talking about" or anyone who uses that phrase
14. people that have mirrors above their bed
15. fanny packs
16. people that cite the Bible as their favorite book
17. people with more than 5 bumper stickers on the back of their car
18. hipsters
19. MTV/VH1
20. George W. Bush

Happy Thanksgiving

Monopoly Electronic Banking Edition - Sucking the Fun out of Childhood One Board Game at a Time

The classic board game Monopoly is known to be one of the most popular and beloved board games of all time. It has been a staple of American culture since 1935, has been enjoyed by more than 500 million people worldwide, and has been sold in 103 countries in 37 languages. With virtually hundreds of alternate game boards available, Monopoly is a game that pretty much anyone can enjoy. It's a great way to pass time on a rainy day, it brings families together, and it offers a nice alternative to television, video games, and other cancer-causing technology.


But that has all changed.


Hasbro has introduced a twist on this classic game--Monopoly Electronic Banking Edition. This version does away with the traditional paper Monopoly money and instead has players keep track of their earnings through a simulated ATM machine. While this may seem like an innovative step into the future, I am here to explain why this game is a travesty on many levels.


1. Mommy, what is a hundred plus fifty?
My first major issue with this game is the fact that it takes the math completely out of the picture. While some (hopelessly lazy) people might see this as a good thing, I think it is just another apparatus that will hold people back from being able to do basic addition. No matter who you are, it is likely that at some point in your life you will handle money. Whether you are a cashier, a prostitute, or someone having a garage sale, cash will be passed into your hands more than once in your life and it will become important for you to be able to count it. Monopoly provides both children and adults with an opportunity to gain skill in counting, adding and subtracting large numbers in their heads (and division if you have to deal with that pesky Luxury Tax). This new Monopoly completely takes away from this skill-building activity. As if mindless television shows and video games weren't enough, must we really bastardize board games by making them all electronic and taking all of the effort out of them?

2. Hello? Tech support?
Any piece of electronic equipment you buy comes with one major issue - it is easy to break and expensive to fix. Electronic Monopoly is no different. With original Monopoly, if you lost a few of those paper bills, it did not have much impact on the game because there were still plenty to go around. With the advent of the internet, even if you do lose some fake cash, you can download and print extras from the Monopoly website. Either way, it is pretty easy to get by if you have a money malfunction. With the new edition on the other hand, if the electronic calculator/ATM breaks, it is literally game over. Also, while replacing paper money is relatively cheap, replacing batteries is a bit more pricey. Franky, it seems like too much of a hassle for something that isn't that innovative or exciting to begin with.

3. Do not pass Go. Do not collect two crisp yellowish $100 bills.
I have saved my most compelling (and of course, most important) argument for last. When playing a game of regular Monopoly, there is a certain degree of satisfaction in accumulating those fake bills. What's the fun in Monopoly when you can't wave your fat wad of bills in your opponents face? How can you enjoy winning if you can't throw your cash in the air like confetti or roll around in it like you are making snow angels? What fun is there at all if you can't strategically position your huge stack of bright orange $500 bills so that they are in clear view of all those who don't even have a single blue $50 bill?

To me, Monopoly isn't about buying and trading property. It isn't about bank errors in your favor or hotels or getting out of jail free. Monopoly is a great way to show your superior gaming skills by gaining a larger stack of cash and title deeds than that of your opponents. It's about counting out your winnings loudly so the other person can hear how wonderful you are. The electronic edition completely robs people of this absolute joy. So say no to the new travesty of a game and stick to the classic. Otherwise I will track you down and punch you hard in the Community Chest.

Top 10 Worst Religious Country Songs of All Time: #8 - 800 Pound Jesus

I've been on hiatus for a bit, but the countdown has returned in full force. Continuing with #8 we have 800 Pound Jesus by Sawyer Brown.

This touching country ballad tells the story of a man who finds an 8 foot tall Jesus statue at a garage sale. Apparently ignoring the cheaply priced stereo equipment and amazing collection of old 45's, this guy decides to take home the giant Jesus. After loading this colossal Christ into his front yard, the man takes the next natural course of action--painting Jesus purple and white. Fabulous.

Later, in traditional country song style, the protagonist of this thrilling tale loses his job and then has to watch as his girl runs off with his best friend. While this would lead most other country singers to a night of drinking and debauchery, this guy decides suicide is a better option. As a fine tribute to his Lord and Savior, this man decides to use him as a jumping off point for hanging himself. Then this amazing series of events transpires:

Out by that statue there's a big old tree
So I stood on his shoulders
And I counted to three
I had every intention of buying the farm
But when I jumped off he caught me in his arms

So rather than jumping in such a way that his path to the ground would have been clear, this genius leaps into the arms of the statue and ends up living. That's really a shame. One less idiot walking around.

Grateful to this stone savior for saving his life, the man decides he wants to live. After this near-death experience, he takes the natural next course of action--he gets counseling.

Just kidding!

He plants flowers at the base of the statue and buys him not one, but and entire flock of ceramic sheep! Of course! It makes perfect sense!

Then the song concludes with the profound statement of "He's a bigger man than you or me." Really? The 8 foot tall statue is bigger than you? How profound!

I think the moral of this story is clear:

When in doubt, trust Jesus.

No, Sawyer Brown should be whacked over the head with an 800 pound Jesus for writing this drivel. So the next time you are at a garage sale, leave the 8 foot tall Jesus statue and opt for the bowling pin lamp instead.

-Hessie

Vote Stephen Colbert (In South Carolina atleast)

Looking at the field of candidates for President on both the Republican and Democratic side of the aisle is enough to make a person cry. It truly shows how screwed America is when these candidates are the best we can do. But, hold the phone. America may not be so screwed after all. Two short weeks ago, something miraculous happened. A man with a vision joined the race. Who is this man? None other than Stephen Tiberius Colbert.

Colbert is the perfect candidate. Unlike the other frontrunners, Colbert does not hide his bullshit. He makes it an important part of his campaign. Colbert does not see race, because he is colorblind. He may be an African American male for all he knows.

More of Colbert's policies can be found in his best selling book I Am America (And So Can You), and I guarantee you, if you are not won over by his policy on the elderly, then you must question if America is truly the country for you.

Colbert may only be running in his home state of South Carolina, but an overwhelming Republican and Democrat primary victory for Colbert in the Palmetto state would show the rest of the country that... Stpehen Colbert can win in South Carolina. A facebook group dedicated to Colbert (1,000,000 Strong for Stephen T Colbert) reached its 1,000,000 plateau in only 10 days and it is now looking to become the biggest group on Facebook.

The country (or atleast 1.1 million facebookers) stand firmly behind Stephen Colbert, and South Carolina must too. President Bush set a high standard for the amount of bullshit that can be spewed in a presidency, but I am confident Colbert can spew far more and he'll only need one term to do it.

So South Carolina and the rest of the country (but mainly South Carolina) must make the right choice on both January 19th (Republican Primary) and January 26th (Democrat Primary), and that right choice is a vote for freedom which goes by the name of Stephen Tiberius Colbert.

A plea to Britney Spears

Dear Ms. Spears,

I write this letter to you not as a friend, not as a fan, but as a person concerned for the well being of this planet. In the past few years as your career has taken a downturn (not really your fault, marrying a talentless backup dancer and getting knocked up twice can happen to anyone) you have decided to make a bold move with your wardrobe choices. It's not really what you have been wearing, but what you haven't been wearing that causes me great concern. Yes, Britney, I'm talking about underwear. For the love of all that is holy, put some on. I can't tell you how many times I have seen your vagina as you've gotten into cars in the past two years. Frankly, I am tired of seeing your vagina. If this was five or seven years ago, I would have no problem with you showing your vagina whenever you wanted, but you have kids now, or atleast you did until the courts awarded them to your out of work, deadbeat husband, and seeing your vagina is no prize any longer. I know the money isn't flowing in like it used to, but seriously, a pair of panties isn't that expensive. There's this place called K-Mart that I'm sure you're familiar with. You can buy yourself a pair there for about $2.00 and spare the eyes of the world next time someone snaps a picture of you getting in or out of your car.

Britney, I beg of you, put some underwear on. I know being hungover every morning when you wake up can make you forget things, but please find a way to remember this. If you have to write yourself a note, or tie a string around your finger, I don't care as long as you remember to put underwear on each morning before you leave your house/double wide. If not for me and the other 6 billion people that live on this earth, do it for your kids. Do you really want them to grow up and make the same mistakes you did? You can prevent this from happening by just putting on a pair of panties before you leave your house in the morning. I know your latest musical abomination is called "Gimme More" but I guarantee that if you asked a large audience, "Who would like to see my vagina again?," that would not be their reply.

Sincerely,

The World

Yes, we are alive

To anyone who may read this, we are sorry for the recent lack of new posts. We have been up to our eyeballs in graduate school craziness, which has seriously cut down on available writing time. Not to fear though, new posts will be coming soon. Check back in a week or so for more amazing insights from your friends at Cultural Subterfuge.

Top 10 Worst Religious Country Songs of All Time: #9 - Jesus Was A Country Boy

This week's pick for one of the worst religious country songs of all time is Jesus Was A Country Boy by Clay Walker.

Apparently the guy in the song is fed up with all the high tech preachers on TV and therefore reaches the logical conclusion that Jesus must have been a good ol' boy. Check out this gem of a chorus:


Cuz Jesus was a country boy
Walkin' down a dirt road with everything that he owned
He never met a stranger
Born in a barn, underneath the stars
His momma laid him in a manger
Swimmin’ in the river fishin' for his dinner livin' with the sinners like me
Makes me think that Jesus was a country boy


I don't even know where to begin with this. First of all, I doubt they had asphalt back then, so of course Jesus was on a dirt road. And unless he had a nice storage unit or airport locker, he would pretty much have to cart around everything he owns. I don't see being born near a bunch of piles of cow manure to be something to brag about either, and since the Wal-Mart Supercenter in Jerusalem probably wasn't finished yet, he would undoubtedly had to have fished for his food.

After this atrocity of a chorus, the song then goes on to ramble about the man's father and how he wasn't religious, but he was going to heaven anyway because Jesus was a country boy just like him. How is that fair? So what, all of the urban non-religious people are doomed to hell? Yeah, that seems fair.

This is why religion is stupid.

Clay Walker, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Top 10 Worst Religious Country Songs of All Time: #10 - Jesus Take the Wheel

Over the next 10 weeks, I will reveal a different religious country song and explain why it should be banned from the face of the earth.

This week's song is Jesus Take the Wheel by Carrie Underwood.

The song starts off with some woman driving home in the snow with her baby in the backseat. She hits an icy patch and the car starts to spin out of control. Our genius driver decided to take her hands off the wheel, and as she does so she is thinking the following:

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

Now, any certified driving instructor will tell you that when you lose control of your vehicle, the best thing you can do is take your foot off of the brake and steer in the direction you want to go. Seeing as how cars were not around during Jesus' time, I hardly think he is qualified to deal with the situation.

Fortunately, she and her baby survive the ordeal, but it is only from sheer dumb luck rather than magical intervention. And yet here we have this song telling people that when they are in mortal peril they should ignore everything they learned in driving school and hope that some mystical dead guy swoops in and saves the day. I don't think this is something we should be teaching our children.

Of course, it doesn't end there. After living through the crash, the woman decides that it would be wise to let Jesus "Take the wheel" in all aspects of her life. This really is not a smart move. Jesus didn't save you from that car crash, and he sure as hell isn't going to get you out of jury duty or pay that mountain of parking tickets. So while you are letting Jesus run your life, I'll be over here taking care of things on my own.

Songs like this just disturb me.

-Hessie

Can you hear me now?

Everyone knows there are certain places where a cell phone should not be used. If your cell phone rings while you are eating dinner with guests, then it is incredibly rude to answer it. (The rudeness level jumps tenfold if you are eating dinner with only one other person.)

When you are being intimate with your partner (a.k.a. sexy time) it is also understood that if your cell phone happens to ring, then you should just let it go. Answering the phone could cause irreparable damage to your partner's self esteem, and it may also kill the mood.

There are more places that come to mind, but perhaps the most egregious is the restroom. Your own private bathroom is bad enough, but a public restroom is inexcusable.

Imagine my surprise when I walked into a WalMart restroom about a month ago to hear a man's voice coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. I went up to the urinal thinking that he may have been talking to me, but I in no shape, way or form was about to reply. Then I realized he was not talking to me; rather he was engaged in a conversation with someone on his cell phone. Now, I realize this is WalMart, so I can't expect too much out of the patrons that shop there, but how little respect does this guy have for the person he is talking to?


I can't even begin to imagine what was going through his head when the phone rang. "Oh, I'm sitting on the toilet in a WalMart, but I'm sure the person who is calling me won't mind if I talk to them now." At what point in his life did he give up on decency?

There is no decency in a person that chooses to answer, or god forbid, make a phone call while they are in the restroom. When his parents were going over the rules for being a courteous and polite person, he must have been napping. At some point in his life, he ceased to care about being the slightest bit presentable, and it was probably at that same time he started watching Nascar while eating entire bags of Cheetos and scratching himself. This may seem harsh, but until you actually see and hear someone answering their cell phone in the restroom, it simply defies belief.

I'm not really asking for much here. So, for the sake of everyone on this planet, please let nature's call be the only call you answer when you use the restroom.

The sad excuse for a human being that is Michael Vick

Who could have guessed that one of the most gifted quarterbacks of all time is also one of the biggest assholes on the planet?

The crimes that Michael Vick has been charged with are repulsive to say the least. The fact that he ran a kennel in Virginia (Bad Newz) to train dogs to fight to the death is bad enough. However, the way Vick and his cohorts put down the dogs that lost or were too weak to fight is simply unforgivable.

On one occasion, a dog was doused with water and then electrocuted.
Dogs were often killed by hanging, gunshots to the head and another allegation states that one dog was slammed to the ground. This was only necessary if the dogs didn't die in the fight itself.

Dogs were also allegedly starved so they would be "more hungry for the other dog."

Then there's the so-called "rape stand" that was found on Vick's Virginia property. It consists of two steel poles mounted to the ends of a platform that's often made of wood. U-shaped pieces of curved metal sit atop each pole; one goes around the belly of a female pit bull and the other around her neck. (Slate.com) The rape stand allows the meanest female pit bulls to breed with the meanest male pit bulls in hopes of creating offspring that are born fighters.

A raid on Vick's home in April found upwards of 50 dogs that were mistreated and neglected. That should be enough evidence to put Vick away for life without opportunity for parole. However, Virginia law states that the maximum punishment for dog fighting is only five years in jail and a $2500 fine. If Michael Vick is convicted, this is simply not enough.

This is what should happen. (and would in a perfect world)

These allegations against Michael Vick are heinous and the Atlanta Falcons must release him from his contract with the team. Vick will likely be in and out of court all season, and the negative publicity this has already generated will likely follow Vick and the Falcons all season long. With a new coach at the helm, this is not what the Falcons need.

The NFL must forgive the Falcons the rest of Vick's contract, and he must be suspended no less than two years. Vick may be one of the most gifted and talented quarterbacks ever to play the game, but he and his cohorts must go to jail for their crime for no less than 10 years without possibility for parole. He would be 37 when he is released, and this would ensure that his best years are far behind him. Vick simply should not be given an opportunity to play in the NFL or any kind of professional football league ever again, and sadly, even this is not punishment enough for the crimes he has committed.

Heelys unsafe?? no way! I would have never guessed that.

Heely Article 1

Heely Article 2


Let's see...

1,600 injuries, a few life threatening
1 death so far

I think it's about time we start making these heathens wear protective gear, don't you?

Avril Lavigne vs The Rubinoos - Who is really at fault?

As you may know, pop star Avril Lavigne is being sued by 70's band The Rubinoos for allegedly lifting her latest song "Girlfriend" from their 1979 song "I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend."

The pop culture community is up in arms. It's the "Ice Ice Baby" drama all over again. People haven't felt this betrayed since Milli Vanilli's tape started skipping. A lot of people seem absolutely convinced of her guilt.

I, however, remain skeptical. People are so quick to point fingers and assign blame that they don't seem to really have taken a close look at the evidence. Let's examine the lyrics of these two songs a bit more closely.

"Girlfriend"                                            "I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend"

Hey! Hey! You! You!                            Sitting here so close, together
I don't like your girlfriend!                 So far we're just friends, but I'm wondering whether
No way No way!                                     I, am I just imagining
I think you need a new one                    You, or do you really have a thing for me
Hey! Hey! You! You!                          Like I think I see when I see you smile
I could be your girlfriend                     And the smile's for me, I wanna tell you...

Hey! Hey! You! You!                       Hey, You, I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend
I know that you like me                    Trying to say I wanna be your number one
No way! No way!                                Hey, You, I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend
No it's not a secret                             Gonna make you love me before I'm done
Hey! Hey! You! You!                     
I want to be your girlfriend                       Late at night when I, when I can't sleep
                                                   Picture in my mind, I see you and me
You're so fine                                         I, I'm telling you what I wanna be
I want you mine                                  You, you're saying you're in love with me
You're so delicious                                  And oh, it feels so good in a dream
I think about you all the time                  That I know in life it's just got to be
You're so addictive                                  I wanna tell you...

Don't you know what I could do to make you feel alright?
Don't pretend I think you know I'm damn precious
And hell yeah
I'm the mother f**king princess
I can tell you like me too and you know I'm right

Even a quick skim of these lyrics clearly reveals that other than the first line of the chorus, the songs are completely different. Even though the one line is verbatim, it isn't the world's most original line. Any idiot with a basic understanding of the English language could have come up with that on their own. The music, on the other hand, bears mild similarities at best. It is therefore my humble opinion that while "Girlfriend" might have been mildly inspired by the Rubinoos' song, it certainly does not have enough similarities to win a court case. Personally, I think the Rubinoos heard Avril's song and were so upset that her lyrically-challenged piece was vastly more popular than their work that they decided to sue for a little piece of the spotlight. Frankly, if the people who wrote "Girlfriend" were inspired by the 1979 song, the Rubinoos should be thanking their lucky stars that there is actually a human on this earth who has heard it.

The facts in this case are clear: The Rubinoos are desperate for a tiny slice of the limelight and Avril's lyrics are hopelessly unoriginal. My official forecast is that the Rubinoos don't stand a chance in court. It's pretty pathetic all around.

Case dismissed.

-Hessie

Media Poster

This picture pretty much sums up the modern media landscape.

What kind of fuckery is this? pt. 2 Heelys Edition

Heelys.

Yes, heelys. The little shoe with the wheel in the heel that allows both kids and adults alike the opportunity to skate whenever they feel like it.

We've all seen kids in the grocery store, airport, or pretty much wherever the little bastards gather whiz by us in them, and we've all probably thought the same thing, "You little shit. I hope you break your collarbone."

Heelys were introduced to America in 2000, and since then the country has been on the brink of disaster. There's even strong evidence to suggest that the introduction of heelys to the United States in 2000 may have been the catalyst for the September 11th attacks. (Hey, it makes just as much sense as Bush's justfication for the Iraq War.)

Whether or not heelys fuel terrorism (they do) is really a moot point. The truth of the matter is that heelys are an absolute disgrace to not only footwear in general but to methods of transportation as well. There is nothing wrong with skating if that is what you would like to do. Except I think there was something invented quite a while ago for people that wanted to do that. hmmm....let me think...hmm....oh, that's right, SKATES. A short time later, someone improved on that idea and came up with ROLLERBLADES. Heelys are an improvement on neither.

Seriously though, heelys represent everything that is wrong with America. Has this nation become so lazy that we can't even walk anymore? Apparently, our children eat so much sugar and watch so much goddamn tv that their little A.D.D. brains get bored with walking, and they must skate or risk falling asleep on their feet.

Heelys also pose the risk of injury to any child that wears them, and this is a good thing. Perhaps, if enough of these little miscreants get seriously injured, states will be forced to pass legislation requiring kids to use helmets, elbow pads, and knee pads while wearing them. Kids would hopefully realize how stupid they look walking through Wal Mart with their parents with a helmet on that they decide never to wear those godforsaken abominations ever again. I'm not suggesting that you should laugh at kids wearing helmets with their heelys in the airport, but oh wait, yes I am. Laugh at them, laugh at them long and hard. Make their self esteem so low that they start listening to emo music at age 10. The future of this country and its well being depends on it.

Then we get to the most disgusting heely offender, and that's anyone over 16 that wears these abominations. It's understandable children would want these things, since by and large, children are stupid. Adults, on the other hand, have no excuse. How little self respect do you have for yourself that you must walk a few feet and then skate a few more? What has gone wrong in your upbringing that has inspired such a lackadaisacal attitude towards having the slightest shred of decency or dignity? With heelys, you have neither.

There is no way for an adult man/woman to wear heelys and be able to justify it. It simply can't be done, because there is no justification for it. Any grown man/woman that buys these things must first subjugate themselves to castration, so they may no longer have the ability to bring children into this world. Then, and only then may that person purchase heelys. This must be done because clearly any adult that purchases heelys for their own personal use is prone to poor decision making, and no child they bring into this world should be subjected to such a poor excuse for a human being. It's simply not fair to the child.

In closing, I'm not trying to incite violence against anyone that wears these things, though if you want to throw a stick at them, that's fine by me. Heelys are simply disgusting, and if this country wants to get back on the right path (a.k.a. America before heelys) these shoes must be banned, and everyone that owns a pair must go on tv and publicly apologize for what they've done. It's the only way they'll learn.

Now, here's a video of a man face planting while wearing heelys. Enjoy!

Is Divorce Really A Bad Thing?

According to a recent article divorce rates in the United States are at their lowest since 1970. Although some people might regard this as a good thing because it means stronger family units and better sanctity of marriage, I have to wonder if divorce is really all that bad.

There are a number of reasons that divorce can be a completely fabulous thing. Children will have the opportunity to have multiple sets of parents, which in turn means more grandparents, which ultimately leads to more money on important holidays and when they lose teeth. Divorce means getting to enjoy the thrills of dating again. Additionally, divorce gives you an excuse to dump your children at someone else's house for the weekend.

Probably the biggest thing we would lose if divorces continued to decline would be the amazing stories they produce. Take for example our hypothetical friends Al and Betty, who have been married for 25 years. Al is a disgruntled construction worker and Betty is a hospice nurse who is well past her prime.

Betty: So, guess what this dying guy said to me today with his final words? He said, "Damn, you're hot." Why don't you ever call me hot anymore Al?
Al: Because you are ugly as shit, Betty. He must have been delirious.
Betty: I've taken your shit for far too long. I want a divorce.
Al: I'd thought you'd never ask.
* Al hands over papers which he had drawn up years ago, in case this glorious moment ever came*
Betty: Fine. I thought you loved me, but I can see now that I was just a fool. Well, I'm going to make a fool of you now. I've faked every orgasm since we started dating 25 years ago. I've never even come close with you.
Al: I was wondering what was up with all that moaning. I wasn't even trying to pleasure you. I'm always looking out for number one and that's it. I nearly had to fake them myself because looking at your ugly wrinkled ass always makes me go soft. So to stay up I just think about your sister. Now there's a looker!
Betty: Well, I guess I have something else I need to confess. You remember that class reunion I went to 3 years ago that you couldn't go to because you were watching the NBA finals? Do you remember? Well, it really wasn't a class reunion. It was a swingers convention. I'm a swinger Al and have been for the past 20 years. I've probably had sex with more than 1,000 guys and every single one of them was better than you.
Al: Well that explains where I got herpes then. It certainly wasn't from all those prostitutes I hired on 'business trips' because I checked all their cards and they were clean.
Betty: Or maybe you got it from Juan..What? Did you not think that I knew about your little affair with our pool boy Al?
Al: Oh I knew. I also had plenty of time to go hook up with your mother. Somehow you seem to be the only one in the family with the ugly gene.
Betty: You had sex with my blind, crippled mother?? You're disgusting.
Al: She may be blind, but she can sure find her way around a man's body.

See? Without the amazing event that is divorce, that amazing exchange may never have taken place. We also would not have all of those classic divorce movies and TV shows. So the next time someone tells you that divorce is a bad thing, remind them of our amazing friends Al and Betty and their amazing cultural commentary.

-Hessie

Future Forecast: Hate Crimes on the Rise; the Rich Get Richer, the Poor Get Poorer, and the Black Man Gets Screwed

Why cant you just shoot the damn Mexicans??
Lou Dobbs really, really Hates Mexicans
Apparently, Lou Dobbs isn't the only one that hates Mexicans...
Are all illegal immigrants Mexican?

What we have here is a national crisis. Illegal immigration and the ineffective laws in place to "prevent" it from happening are fueling a frenzy in the United States. There are multiple issues at stake; the prevalence of frightening intolerance among Americans toward all hispanics, as exhibited above, is just one of the many...

Outside of the obvious racism that exists, not just toward illegal immigrants (many of whom come from other countries, not just Mexico), but toward a majority of hispanic people, there is the issue of the relationship between race and class in America.

This is interesting. I think what may end up happening (even more so than already) is a huge class divide between white Americans and hispanics. There will be a proliferation of clubs similar in nature to the DAR who are trying to keep "American" history alive (read: white history), but what may end up happening is an extreme nationalism that occurred in a situation similar to Nazi Germany. Not that I am in any way, shape, or form making light of the plight of the Jews or trying to be a Nazi sympathizer, but the Nazi Germans were trying to protect their country from being overrun by people they felt jeopardized the success of their country. Right or wrong, this was a mind-set that was pervasive enough that German citizens allowed the Nazi soldiers to commence with the extermination of millions of innocent people.

In no way do I think that legal Mexican immigrants (or any legal immigrants for that matter) should be barred from entering this country, but if things keep going the way they are now with illegal immigrants, there is going to be an even greater hostility toward all minorities (except for blacks) that I think will escalate into violence and greater class divisions. It's entirely possible that the black culture will view the emerging hispanic majority as a threat to their chances of "equality" or success within American (read: white) society. I guarantee that the black community is going to suffer greatly because the hispanic community is taking over the jobs that both blacks and whites refuse to do. The white community has always been in the majority as far as the normative functions of society are concerned, and the hispanic community will be the actual majority in the country. This leaves the black wo/man in a very precarious situation.

In addition, I have recently seen statistics that white upper and middle class people are not reproducing at the rate that lower class minorities are. This influx of illegal working-class immigrants will only increase the number of people in the working class, and result not in the spread of wealth, but in the extreme concentration of wealth among certain demographics (white, educated people that already come from wealthy families). If the democrats think that the majority of this country's wealth is too concentrated now, just keep letting uneducated illegal immigrants into the country. Illegal immigration only serves to make our nation's poor poorer and promote class divisions.

This relationship between race and class has the potential to evolve into a system similar to that of castes in India. I predict in 20 years, our society will look something like this:

Top Socio-economic bracket: White, educated, American-born people

Upper-middle bracket: Black and Asian American-born, educated people

Middle bracket: Other American-born educated minorities, excluding Muslims and Hispanics

Lower-middle bracket: Hispanic American-born, educated people

Lower-class bracket: Hispanic American-born, uneducated people; Muslim American-born, educated people

Lowest bracket: Muslim, American-born, uneducated people; other non-American born minorities.


This is frightening, and the potential for racially-motivated or class-motivated hatred will grow even greater as there grows a misunderstanding and intolerance to other races and nationalities as a result of the poorly-handled issue of illegal immigration.

Car Chases, Swordfights, and Explosions Oh My! A Look At Summer Movies 2007

The summer movie season officially began earlier this month, and Hollywood continued to show that they are officially out of ideas (Miami Vice anyone?) by shoving third installments of Spider Man, Shrek and Pirates of the Caribbean down our throats. All three have already been released, and because movie audiences love that which is familiar and known to them, these movies have all done very well at the box office. Salivating at the thought of the money that can still be made with each franchise, studio executives have no doubt already discussed plans to whore out each series further with a fourth and maybe even a fifth film. Sure the quality will drop significantly and the dialogue will become almost non-existent, but never underestimate the desire of movie audiences around the world to shell out their hard earned money for horrendous films. Titanic made over a billion dollars after all.

The summer movie season is still far from over, and we still have many more potential blockbusters on the horizon to look forward to:

Ocean’s 13 – June 8
Having never seen the first two films in this series, I have no interest in seeing the third, and from what I’ve heard George Clooney is only making these films so Warner Bros. will continue to fund his pet projects like Good Night, and Good Luck and The Good German. Because of star power, the first two made hundreds of millions of dollars at the box office, and because those same A-listers are back for this film, audiences will undoubtedly flock to see it.

Sicko – June 29
Michael Moore is back coming off the mega success of 2004’s Fahrenheit 9/11 that was among the many regrettable reasons George W. Bush won a second term at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. This time, Moore looks at the state of healthcare in America. Because it is a Moore film, you can expect fabrications, falsifications, half-truths and outright lies that better help him to make his point. The issue he’s looking at here is not necessarily a liberal vs. conservative or a democrat vs. republican issue, but you can already guess who’s going to love this movie and who’s going to hate it.

Transformers – July 4
Directed by Michael Bay, the same man that brought us Pearl Harbor, The Island, and pretty much every shitty action movie of the past 10 years, this movie will undoubtedly suck. Will people go see it? Probably. Why? I don’t know. Having never seen the television series or the original movie, I really don’t understand the allure of this movie. Because Bay is directing, there’s probably not a chance in hell of me seeing this, uh, ever.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix – July 13
Further stifling the imagination of children and adults alike, the fifth installment of the best-selling book series hits theaters this summer and the major difference here is that all of the actors in the film can now apply for Social Security. Daniel Radcliffe is coming off trying to distance himself from Harry Potter by appearing naked with a horse on a London stage in the play Equus. (Aside: usually when actors try to reinvent themselves, they play drug addicts, “bad” guys, or mentally challenged people, so Radcliffe should be given props for going the appearing naked on a stage with a horse route) (Second Aside: While he should be given kudos, seriously, what the hell was he thinking?)
Anyway, back to the movie. Not having any vested interest in this movie or the book series, I think it would be hilarious if this movie was a complete flop. Would Warner Bros. scrap production of the last two? Would Radcliffe ever be heard from again? One can only hope it’s a flop, but there’s no possible way it will be.

The Simpsons Movie – July 27
The quality of the show may have gone down in the past five years, but there is no way I will not be seeing this movie. Having watched the show since I was 7 years old, I have been waiting for this movie with baited breath for 2/3 of my life. My expectations will almost assuredly not be met, but I am willing to forgive if the movie is in any way reminiscent to the classic days of the show. I really can’t find a way to be critical of this movie so I’m going to have to find another movie to criticize. Hmmm….hmm….ah

The Bourne Ultimatum – August 3
Let’s see….Matt Damon? Check. Explosions? Check. Car Chases? Check. Well, looks like we got ourselves a movie. Phew, criticism crisis averted.

Finally,

Fantasic Four II (June 15), Die Hard 4 (June 29), Rush Hour III (August 10)

Why?

Is it Smited, Smitten, Smote, or Smut? A Conversation Between Two Atheists and Two Christians

Preface: Hessie, a noted atheist, mocks Jesus by striking a crucifixion pose

E: Yeah, that was like, one day of his life…

Hessie: That’s right, for the rest of it, he was a carpenter...he made cabinets

Housewife: She’s never even seen a Bible

E: She only knows what she reads on atheist Web sites…She saw one, near your book, in Barnes and Noble…

Hessie: Yeah, I have. I have one. It says, Bible, by God. And on the back, it says, About the author.

E: God was born in 1976 in Madison, Wisconsin…

Hessie: God is a teacher, counselor, philosopher…some other crap…

Hank: He was a carpenter

Housewife: That was his son, Jesus

Hank: He was a part time DJ, that radio station, KGOD

Hessie:…his timeless classic, The Bible, has been enjoyed by millions…

Hank: Other works include The Hunt for Red October, Bible 2: Electric Boogaloo, and Tuesdays with Morrie

Hank: I heard he was the ghostwriter of the Koran…

Housewife: That was a myth

Housewife: I wonder how the New Testament was received when it came out…

Hessie: Now guys, I know what they always say about sequels, but really, this one…

Housewife: The Dead Sea Scrolls however, were originally rejected from the publisher. In addition, they were really disappointed with the translation in the King James version. Add in some stuff about homosexuals…and slavery. It will appeal to the American audience

Hank: What’s America?

Hessie: Yeah, homosexuals, and dinosaurs, they’re gonna have questions about that…

Hank: Jonah saw a dinosaur, or something. Maybe it was Job. I don’t know, starts with a J…

Hessie: CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAARLIE…..

E: Can someone stop her?

Housewife: You say that like any of us have control over her…

Hank hits Hessie with bottle, rumble ensues

Ron Paul: What kind of fuckery is this?

Apparently, everyone is buzzing about Ron Paul. And everyone is talking about how no one knows who Ron Paul is. There is a glutton of blog posts regarding this mystery candidate, which in sum, say basically this: "Oh my god, who is Ron Paul?"

Out of the five of us, only Hank knew about this guy who is basically a dark fly on a dark horse. Here's how the conversation went:

Hessie: "Search technorati to see what people are posting about."

Technorati Site: Number one search: Ron Paul

e: "Who the hell is Ron Paul?"

Hank: "You know, he's a presidential candidate --"

Housewife & Hessie: "Right...you don't know..."

Housewife: "Is that like Sean Paul?"

Hessie: "Ron-da Paul. Number One. Champion...We-be-burnin'-and-some-other-words-you-know..."

Hank: "Look it up, look it up! You know, he's the guy Bill Maher called 'RuPaul.' Or something. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention...So anyway, Taboo, it's a 1980s porn --"

Hessie: "You watched it without me?!"

Ok, it was a short conversation, just like all of the blog posts about Ron-da Paul. Short. Because no one knows any other information about him other than that no one knows anything about him. Ron-da Paul and Chris Dodd. The most talked about people that no one talks about.

Coors Light: The Dunce of Light Beers

The following is a re-post of an entry that I made in my other blog many moons ago. I feel that the material is still very relevant and I am interested to know other people's opnions on the subject.

Given the choice between a pitcher of Miller Lite and a pitcher of Coors Light, one night, my friends and I opted for the Miller, soley based on taste. The consensus at the table was that Miller is tasty, and Coors tastes like donkey piss.

I think I know why.

According to the Miller website, Miller Lite is brewed with "only the finest malted barley and choicest hops." Basically, the people who brew Miller are dedicated to making a beer that is actually pleasing to the taste buds. Aside from Miller, many other light beers are also pretty tasty.

Except Coors Light.

So where did Coors go wrong? Venture into the history section of the website, and you will see that founder Adolph Coors decided that using mountain spring water would make for yummy beer, which is why he built the brewery and headquarters in Golden, Colorado. Therein lies the problem. While the fine people at the Miller breweries are carefully selecting hops and barely, the people at Coors are using water that deer and other woodland creatures generally relieve themselves in. Hence the reason some say Coors Light tastes like "piss water."

Now I'm sure they try to purify their water and all, but it seems they should probably focus less on the H2O and more on the stuff that is actually going to affect the taste of the beer. This is probably why Coors has to market Coors Light as "the coldest tasting beer in the world." Too bad that is a lousy marketing strategy.

"Our beer tastes like ass...but it sure is cold!"

Good one, Coors.

There is also an interesting twist. Another agreement we came to at our table last night was that Killians, especially Killian's Irish Red, is totally delicous. So I looked into the matter and guess who I found out makes Killians?

You guessed it...

...Coors!

Now how can a single company make something so tasty and then turn around and make something that tastes like liquified cardboard?

Beats me. But I sure as heck won't be "Tapping the Rockies" anytime soon.

-Hessie

Jerry Falwell 1933-2007

Farewell and Good Riddance to one of the most disgusting human beings that has ever walked this earth.

Jerry Falwell has died and the world is better off without him in it. The “Reverend” and I use that term loosely was a homophobe, a sexist, and an all around asshole that deserved a death far worse than that which he received.

Because he was a “man of God” Falwell was allowed to spew his bigotry and hatred without repercussion.

Let’s take a look at a few of his comments:

“And, I know that I'll hear from them for this. But, throwing God out successfully with the help of the federal court system, throwing God out of the public square, out of the schools. The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way -- all of them who have tried to secularize America -- I point the finger in their face and say, ‘You helped this happen.’”

This is perhaps Falwell’s most despicable comment in which he blames the attacks of 9/11 on the actions of pagans, abortionists, feminists and homosexuals. Falwell was criticized, but for some reason, he was still allowed to practice his "ministry", and the public still bought into it.

“AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals.”

“There is no separation of church and state. Modern U.S. Supreme Courts have raped the Constitution and raped the Christian faith and raped the churches by misinterpreting what the Founders had in mind in the First Amendment to the Constitution.”

“We're fighting against humanism, we're fighting against liberalism ... we are fighting against all the systems of Satan that are destroying our nation today ... our battle is with Satan himself.”

Let us not forget Falwell’s 1999 accusation that Tinky Winky, the purple teletubbie, was a gay role model and morally damaging to children, simply because the teletubby had a purse.

If anyone else outside the Religious world had made these kinds of comments, they would have been harshly reprimanded and fired from whatever job they held. However, since Religion and the “religious” are given a pass in this country by the media, Falwell was allowed to continue preaching his nonsensical ravings, and the media continued to buy in fish, line and sinker.

Jerry Falwell was no more than a mentally unstable man who liked to believe he was a servant of God. His death should not be met with tears, but rather, the country should rejoice that the man who did far more harm to the image of Christians and Religion in this country than good has finally expired.

- Hank

Great Comic

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

-Hessie

The PDA

Public Displays of Affection: We see them everywhere, whether it be a couple holding hands as they walk down the street, or two lovebirds who must insist on making out whenever possible in full view of everyone. Yep, they're everywhere and much like these people, they need to die a horrible death.


The truth is no one cares how in love you are. Having to hold hands with your partner everywhere you go is not a beautiful display of your love for one another, rather it's completely vapid and shallow and tells the world, "Hey, we're insecure pricks who must constantly show the world that we are in a relationship."

Making out with your partner in public is also a sickening display. There is nothing more repulsive than glancing over at a couple in the movie theatre or in a restaurant and seeing them fully engaged in tongue wrestling. Now, there is nothing at all wrong with a simple kiss here and there, but there's something fundamentally lacking in both individuals if they cannot express their love for one another without involving their tongue. The tongue should make either no appearance or a very brief appearance of no more than two seconds while in a public setting.
Then you have these people that request to sit in booths in restaurants. But, can they sit across from one another like any normal couple? No, they have to sit next to each other in a booth, even though there is a perfectly good seat across the table from them. This is possibly the most sickening of the PDA's simply because it is by far the most superficial display, not to mention awkward. Can you really not physically be next to this person for the time it takes you to eat a meal? The insecurity level of these people is off the charts entirely. If I was the waiter for these people, I would spit in their food on principle alone.

With the technological breakthroughs of the 21st century have come new and exciting ways to show affection publicly, and Facebook is leading the way with its relationship status function. Not only do you get to tell all of your friends that you're in a relationship, but you get to tell them who the relationship is with and what stage the relationship is in. Joe Smith (University of Texas) is in a relationship with Mary Beth Schultz (University of Florida). Well, congratufuckinglations. It's not enough to say that you are simply in a relationship, but you must also prove that the other person indeed exists. Now all of your friends can be jealous when your relationship status changes from Single to In a Relationship and they can cry with you when your status returns to single again. Your facebook wall can be filled with wall posts from your friends wondering who the new guy/gal in your life is, and it gives you free range to talk about just how great of a couple you guys are.

PDA's are not cute, nor are they sweet. They are simply methods in which people in relationships attempt to communicate just how much being in a relationship defines who they are as a person. To put it bluntly, it's ego masturbation at its most contemptible.

- Hank

This Conversation Brought to You By the Makers of…

Setting: A diner, lunchtime, two women seated facing each other at a table

Woman 1: “Have you read anything interesting lately?”

Woman 2: “Well, actually” (pulls out The Book of Mormon)

Are you kidding me? This commercial is for real? I feel like I’m watching a scene from the movie The Truman Show. We’re commercializing religion now? (Okay, okay, stupid question)

Not that I’m surprised, but I was just a little thrown by how blatantly obvious the dialogue was. Understandably, personal testimony is an integral part of religion, especially in evangelical faiths, but I was waiting for an announcer to come on in the background and say, “This money-back guarantee on your eternal salvation won’t last for long, so call now! And if you call in the next five minutes, we’ll throw in The Book of Job, absolutely free! That’s a value of almost two souls for just three easy payments of $19.99, with free shipping and handling!”

Granted, this commercial was in a late-night line-up on The WB, in the same commercial break for a singles text-to-flirt phone company (why in the world would I want people I don’t even know text messaging me obscene messages? I can only imagine how those text messages are composed, like bad personalized license plates strung together to make some kind of provocative proposition: R U FREE 2NITE QTΠ?).

“I just feel so much more peaceful now,” continued the second woman, in her testimony about the wonders of The Book of Mormon.

I have a few suggestions about additional dialogue for this commercial:

“I just feel so much more peaceful now and I’m sleeping so much better too…”

“I just feel so much more peaceful now and my clothes fit better too…”

“I just feel so much more peaceful now and I’ve saved a bunch of money on my car insurance…”

“I just feel so much more peaceful now thanks to just 30 minutes a day with the Bowflex”

“I just feel so much more peaceful now and I’m not just the CEO, I’m also a client”

“I just feel so much more peaceful now, BAM! (Close up on Emeril)”

“I just feel so much more peaceful now; side effects may include dry mouth, upset stomach, or diarrhea. The Book of Mormon should not be used by pregnant or lactating women…”

“I just feel so much more peaceful now; results not typical in all cases”

As campy late-night television commercials go, this advertisement might as well have employed Sally Struthers to ask viewers, “Do you wanna make more money?”

-e

The World's Smartest Man

Disclaimer: For all you gender conscious people out there, no I have not forgotten my schooling in gendered language. The word "man" refers to everyone, and if you follow the link you will understand why I used that term instead of "person."

What qualifies people as being smart? Do they have to be members of Mensa? Should they be able to beat anybody in a game of Trivial Pursuit? Should they have a college degree?

I say no.

After giving it some thought, I have come up with a list of ten qualities of the world's smartest man. Granted, I'm sure there are many more that I am leaving out, but I think this is a pretty good start.

1. The world's smartest man keeps up with relevant current events and not just celebrity gossip.

2. The world's smartest man doesn't cave to the dominant ideology.

3. The world's smartest man is a good listener.

4. The world's smartest man is open-minded and free from prejudice.

5. The world's smartest man takes time each day to relax.

6. The world's smartest man knows how to forgive.

7. The world's smartest man stays true to himself and doesn't compromise his integrity.

8. The world's smartest man knows how to laugh and isn't afraid to laugh at himself.

9. The world's smartest man pays his bills on time.

10. The world's smartest man takes risks and isn't afraid to dream big.

That's all I've got for now. What have I missed and how smart are you?

-Hessie

Berries and Cream Starburst...Advertisement or Proof of Postmodernism?

This commercial is solid evidence that advertisers no longer care about reporting the merits of a given product or service. Instead, commercials serve to create spectacle and leave the viewer utterly confused. Not only does this commercial not make me want to run out and try Berries and Cream Starburst, it makes me wonder why advertisers even bother at all anymore. This is just one example of an increased emphasis on visual and auditory stimulation for no other purpose than shock value or brief entertainment. I suppose the repetition aspect might be effective, but only enough to make people remember how annoying the commercial is. Will people be talking about this commercial for a while? Sure. Will Starburst's sales increase? That remains to be seen, but my guess is no.

-Hessie

Everyone Makes Mistakes: Musings On Song Lyrics From the Peanut Gallery

Due to the recent discussion of song lyrics that are bad enough to make Richard Simmons kill himself, I am compelled to throw my two cents into the fray. A large number of the artists quoted have been people that, frankly, nobody gives a monkey's behind about. Jesse McCartney? Savage Garden? Peter Gabriel? Who cares? The real tragedy is when people considered to be lyrical legends commit such offenses. Yes, even some of history's greatest songwriters have penned lyrical travesties. Let's examine a few.

Your sister's gone out. She's on a date
You just sit at home and masturbate
- Billy Joel, "Captain Jack"

I am easily one of the world's biggest Billy Joel fans, but even I admit that those are possibly two of the worst lines of music ever written. Just because some action occurs doesn't mean you need to write about it. Somehow I don't think there has ever been a chart-topping hit with lyrics such as, "I woke up this morning, scratched my ass, clipped my toenails, then headed to class." Shame on you, Billy.

And the tears never came

They just stayed in our eyes
We refused to admit that we wore this disguise
Every inch of us growing
Like Pinocchio's nose
As we walked around in the emperor's new clothes
- Elton John, "Emperor's New Clothes"

Come on, Elton. You are known worldwide as being one of the greatest songwriters of all time, and you write that abomination? Lyrics like that make Britney Spears look like Shakespeare. And exactly what part of you is growing like Pinocchio's nose? It seems to me that the behavior of your anatomy is something you should keep to yourself.

When out tiger hunting with his elephant and gun
In case of accidents he always took his mom
He's the all American bullet-headed saxon mother's son.
All the children sing

Hey Bungalow Bill
What did you kill
Bungalow Bill?
-The Beatles, "The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill"

Now I know why John Lennon was shot.

Wish I was a Kellogg's Cornflake
Floatin' in my bowl takin' movies,
Relaxin' awhile, livin' in style,
Talkin' to a raisin who 'casionn'ly plays LA.,
Casually glancing at his toupee.

Wish I was an English muffin
'Bout to make the most out of a toaster.

I'd ease myself down,
Comin' up brown.

I prefer boysenberry
More than any ordinary jam.
I'm a "Citizens for Boysenberry Jam" fan.
-Simon & Garfunkel, "Punky's Dilemma"

There's metaphor, and then there's Punky's Dilemma. You nailed the whole metaphor thing with "I Am A Rock." That song was brilliant. This one is just disturbing. Of all the food products you could be, you pick cereal and an English muffin? Also, what is this "Citizen's for Boysenberry Jam" line about? Is the jam being oppressed? Has the jam been banned? Is jam comparable to fair wages? I simply do not understand.

Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle like a gypsy queen,
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle all dressed in green,
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle 'til the moon is blue,
Wiggle 'til the moon sees you.

Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle in your boots and shoes,
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, you got nothing to lose,
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, like a swarm of bees,
Wiggle on your hands and knees.

- Bob Dylan, "Wiggle Wiggle"

Bob Dylan may very well be the world's most well-known lyricist. Not only did he author multiple hits of his own, he also wrote the lyrics to myriad other songs that were made popular by other artists. But, I guess even Mikhail Baryshnikov trips and falls sometimes. Clearly that is what happened here. I don't even know how else to respond to this. I'm frankly dumbfounded.

In short, even the greats have their off days. I mean, even the man who produced Sin City brought us The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D. But, that's another story altogether.

-Hessie

Hugh Grant hurls baked beans at photographer. Seriously.

Baked beans? Really? WTF?

Will he be charged with assault with a deadly legume?

I'll write more later, but it's Moerita time. Class is canceled thanks to some ass-clown who called in a bomb threat.

Some of us are just meant to be housewives - A Correction to the Rebuttal to the Rebuttal

What, like opera is so much better? Scroll up, I’ve included a little opera in my analysis. You know, the phantom of. Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Ok, you ignoramus, The Phantom of the Opera is NOT an opera. It’s a musical. Set in an opera house. That’s about as far as the connection to opera goes. Confused by titles much? Your lackadaisical approach to information processing must be why you’re just a housewife. Let’s apply your laissez-faire attitude to reading to titles of other cultural artifacts:

The Sound of Music - While this may indeed seem deceiving, this is actually a musical and not several notes strung together that causes characters to say, “What is that sound? Is it music?”

All That Jazz - Oddly, again, a musical, not having anything to do with Miles or Coltrane…

Pocket Massage for Stress Relief - As I’m sure you’ve easily surmised, this is a pocket-sized book about yoga massage techniques.

Mugglenet.com's What Will Happen in Harry Potter 7: Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Falls in Love and How Will the Adventure Finally End – Here’s a wonderful example of a text whose title needs a little more than just a cursory reading. Don’t get excited; this book is not, in fact, the seventh book in the Harry Potter series. It wasn’t even written by J.K. Rowling; it was written by some people with way to much time on their hands.

Now, my dear retro housewife, I hope you see the dangers of living your existence as an individual of such low cognition.

-e

Love Songs...or Not - A Rebuttal to the Rebuttal

It’s seems I have stumbled upon a topic of interest. Not to be outdone by the infamous e, here are my further musings on the desolate, tonally-void wasteland that comprises contemporary love songs.

More Than Words - Extreme

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real

If your heart is torn in two, I’m afraid you need more help than I am able to give you, and far more help than words alone can provide. Please place your local emergency service provider on speed dial if this is an actual concern you have regarding your heart. I hear medic alert also offers a wonderful service.

White Houses - Vanessa Carlton

Love, or something ignites in my veins
And I pray it never fades

Oh honey, that’s not love, that’s gonorrhea. You had better pray it fades and then take a good, strong dose of a doctor prescribed anti-bacterial to aid in the process.

Truly Madly Deeply - Savage Garden

I want to stand with you on a mountain.
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever.
Until the sky falls down on me…

Oh, so many complaints in so few lines. Where to begin? First off, I am not bathing in any sea. Do you know what is in the sea? Organisms. I am not taking an organism infested skinny-dip with anyone in the name of love. I’m all for bathing in a general sense, don’t get me wrong, but chlorine and indoor plumbing were invented for a reason - use them.

Moving on, laying in one position for a prolonged period of time, for any reason, is just illogical. Did the writer of this song never hear of bed sores? Biology 101 people, it isn’t that hard. Obviously the song writer found the time to read up on Chicken Little, did the fear derived from this children’s story simply stunt him or her from continuing on in the educational system? The sky isn’t going to fall on anyone anytime soon. Get a grip.

Oh, and one more thing. Do you know what else is in the sea? Fish urine, jelly fish, that damn volleyball from Castaway, all the toxic runoff from New Jersey, and the rotting corpses of one-time Titanic passengers. Ew.

You’re A God - Vertical Horizon

Cause you’re a God
And I am not
And I just thought
That you should know

Why thank you for noticing! For this song I have no complaints, just wanted to stroke my ego a bit.

Bring Me To Life - Evanescence

How can you see into my eyes like open doors
Leading you down into my core
Where I’ve become so numb, without a soul

Without a soul, huh? Dated Jesse McCartney recently?

Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne

You're so fine
I want you mine
You're so delicious
I think about you all the time
You're so addictive

Delicious and addictive? Is he some kind of food byproduct or tolerance inhibiting substance? Chocolate? Caffeine?? Cocaine???

Where Does My Heart Beat Now? - Celine Dion

I don’t even have to move past the title of this one. I sincerely hope your heart is still beating in your chest. If not, you may want to locate Jesse McCartney, I hear he may have a bit of a voodoo, soul-stealing thing going on. Oh wait, if your heart was beating somewhere other than your chest, you wouldn’t have to worry about it…because you’d be dead.

All I Ask Of You - The Phantom of the Opera

Say you love me every waking moment,
turn my head with talk of summertime...
Say you need me with you now and always...
Promise me that all you say is true -
that's all I ask of you...

Every waking moment? Seriously? You need verbal reassurance of my feelings every…waking…moment? I’ll make you a voice recording, you insecure bastard.

Ain’t No Other Man - Christina Aguilera

I had feelings from the start
Couldn't stand to be apart
Something about you caught my eye
Something moved me deep inside

Something moved her deep inside? Was it gastro-intestinal in nature? Walgreen’s is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I’m just saying.

Crazy Bitch - Buckcherry

You're a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

Well, isn’t this just the pinnacle of romance? With lyrics like these, it’s quite possible that Buckcherry may even give that silver-tongued master of love, Ludacris, a run for his money.

Speaking of Ludacris…

What’s Your Fantasy - Ludacris

I wanna, li-li-li-lick you from yo' head to yo' toes
And I wanna, move from the bed down to the down to the to the flo'
Then I wanna, ahh ahh - you make it so good I don't wanna leave
But I gotta, kn-kn-kn-know what-what's your fan-ta-ta-sy

My personal fantasy is to end an evening not covered in your spit. Thanks.

And I don’t care, I love Peter Gabriel's In Your Eyes. What, like opera is so much better? Scroll up, I’ve included a little opera in my analysis. You know, the phantom of. Yeah, that’s what I thought.

River. Bottom of. (You know I'm talking to you)

~the retro housewife