Saturday, June 30, 2007

What kind of fuckery is this? pt. 2 Heelys Edition


Yes, heelys. The little shoe with the wheel in the heel that allows both kids and adults alike the opportunity to skate whenever they feel like it.

We've all seen kids in the grocery store, airport, or pretty much wherever the little bastards gather whiz by us in them, and we've all probably thought the same thing, "You little shit. I hope you break your collarbone."

Heelys were introduced to America in 2000, and since then the country has been on the brink of disaster. There's even strong evidence to suggest that the introduction of heelys to the United States in 2000 may have been the catalyst for the September 11th attacks. (Hey, it makes just as much sense as Bush's justfication for the Iraq War.)

Whether or not heelys fuel terrorism (they do) is really a moot point. The truth of the matter is that heelys are an absolute disgrace to not only footwear in general but to methods of transportation as well. There is nothing wrong with skating if that is what you would like to do. Except I think there was something invented quite a while ago for people that wanted to do that. hmmm....let me think...hmm....oh, that's right, SKATES. A short time later, someone improved on that idea and came up with ROLLERBLADES. Heelys are an improvement on neither.

Seriously though, heelys represent everything that is wrong with America. Has this nation become so lazy that we can't even walk anymore? Apparently, our children eat so much sugar and watch so much goddamn tv that their little A.D.D. brains get bored with walking, and they must skate or risk falling asleep on their feet.

Heelys also pose the risk of injury to any child that wears them, and this is a good thing. Perhaps, if enough of these little miscreants get seriously injured, states will be forced to pass legislation requiring kids to use helmets, elbow pads, and knee pads while wearing them. Kids would hopefully realize how stupid they look walking through Wal Mart with their parents with a helmet on that they decide never to wear those godforsaken abominations ever again. I'm not suggesting that you should laugh at kids wearing helmets with their heelys in the airport, but oh wait, yes I am. Laugh at them, laugh at them long and hard. Make their self esteem so low that they start listening to emo music at age 10. The future of this country and its well being depends on it.

Then we get to the most disgusting heely offender, and that's anyone over 16 that wears these abominations. It's understandable children would want these things, since by and large, children are stupid. Adults, on the other hand, have no excuse. How little self respect do you have for yourself that you must walk a few feet and then skate a few more? What has gone wrong in your upbringing that has inspired such a lackadaisacal attitude towards having the slightest shred of decency or dignity? With heelys, you have neither.

There is no way for an adult man/woman to wear heelys and be able to justify it. It simply can't be done, because there is no justification for it. Any grown man/woman that buys these things must first subjugate themselves to castration, so they may no longer have the ability to bring children into this world. Then, and only then may that person purchase heelys. This must be done because clearly any adult that purchases heelys for their own personal use is prone to poor decision making, and no child they bring into this world should be subjected to such a poor excuse for a human being. It's simply not fair to the child.

In closing, I'm not trying to incite violence against anyone that wears these things, though if you want to throw a stick at them, that's fine by me. Heelys are simply disgusting, and if this country wants to get back on the right path (a.k.a. America before heelys) these shoes must be banned, and everyone that owns a pair must go on tv and publicly apologize for what they've done. It's the only way they'll learn.

Now, here's a video of a man face planting while wearing heelys. Enjoy!

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