Monday, June 11, 2007

Is Divorce Really A Bad Thing?

According to a recent article divorce rates in the United States are at their lowest since 1970. Although some people might regard this as a good thing because it means stronger family units and better sanctity of marriage, I have to wonder if divorce is really all that bad.

There are a number of reasons that divorce can be a completely fabulous thing. Children will have the opportunity to have multiple sets of parents, which in turn means more grandparents, which ultimately leads to more money on important holidays and when they lose teeth. Divorce means getting to enjoy the thrills of dating again. Additionally, divorce gives you an excuse to dump your children at someone else's house for the weekend.

Probably the biggest thing we would lose if divorces continued to decline would be the amazing stories they produce. Take for example our hypothetical friends Al and Betty, who have been married for 25 years. Al is a disgruntled construction worker and Betty is a hospice nurse who is well past her prime.

Betty: So, guess what this dying guy said to me today with his final words? He said, "Damn, you're hot." Why don't you ever call me hot anymore Al?
Al: Because you are ugly as shit, Betty. He must have been delirious.
Betty: I've taken your shit for far too long. I want a divorce.
Al: I'd thought you'd never ask.
* Al hands over papers which he had drawn up years ago, in case this glorious moment ever came*
Betty: Fine. I thought you loved me, but I can see now that I was just a fool. Well, I'm going to make a fool of you now. I've faked every orgasm since we started dating 25 years ago. I've never even come close with you.
Al: I was wondering what was up with all that moaning. I wasn't even trying to pleasure you. I'm always looking out for number one and that's it. I nearly had to fake them myself because looking at your ugly wrinkled ass always makes me go soft. So to stay up I just think about your sister. Now there's a looker!
Betty: Well, I guess I have something else I need to confess. You remember that class reunion I went to 3 years ago that you couldn't go to because you were watching the NBA finals? Do you remember? Well, it really wasn't a class reunion. It was a swingers convention. I'm a swinger Al and have been for the past 20 years. I've probably had sex with more than 1,000 guys and every single one of them was better than you.
Al: Well that explains where I got herpes then. It certainly wasn't from all those prostitutes I hired on 'business trips' because I checked all their cards and they were clean.
Betty: Or maybe you got it from Juan..What? Did you not think that I knew about your little affair with our pool boy Al?
Al: Oh I knew. I also had plenty of time to go hook up with your mother. Somehow you seem to be the only one in the family with the ugly gene.
Betty: You had sex with my blind, crippled mother?? You're disgusting.
Al: She may be blind, but she can sure find her way around a man's body.

See? Without the amazing event that is divorce, that amazing exchange may never have taken place. We also would not have all of those classic divorce movies and TV shows. So the next time someone tells you that divorce is a bad thing, remind them of our amazing friends Al and Betty and their amazing cultural commentary.


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