Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Top 10 Worst Religious Country Songs of All Time: #9 - Jesus Was A Country Boy

This week's pick for one of the worst religious country songs of all time is Jesus Was A Country Boy by Clay Walker.

Apparently the guy in the song is fed up with all the high tech preachers on TV and therefore reaches the logical conclusion that Jesus must have been a good ol' boy. Check out this gem of a chorus:

Cuz Jesus was a country boy
Walkin' down a dirt road with everything that he owned
He never met a stranger
Born in a barn, underneath the stars
His momma laid him in a manger
Swimmin’ in the river fishin' for his dinner livin' with the sinners like me
Makes me think that Jesus was a country boy

I don't even know where to begin with this. First of all, I doubt they had asphalt back then, so of course Jesus was on a dirt road. And unless he had a nice storage unit or airport locker, he would pretty much have to cart around everything he owns. I don't see being born near a bunch of piles of cow manure to be something to brag about either, and since the Wal-Mart Supercenter in Jerusalem probably wasn't finished yet, he would undoubtedly had to have fished for his food.

After this atrocity of a chorus, the song then goes on to ramble about the man's father and how he wasn't religious, but he was going to heaven anyway because Jesus was a country boy just like him. How is that fair? So what, all of the urban non-religious people are doomed to hell? Yeah, that seems fair.

This is why religion is stupid.

Clay Walker, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Top 10 Worst Religious Country Songs of All Time: #10 - Jesus Take the Wheel

Over the next 10 weeks, I will reveal a different religious country song and explain why it should be banned from the face of the earth.

This week's song is Jesus Take the Wheel by Carrie Underwood.

The song starts off with some woman driving home in the snow with her baby in the backseat. She hits an icy patch and the car starts to spin out of control. Our genius driver decided to take her hands off the wheel, and as she does so she is thinking the following:

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

Now, any certified driving instructor will tell you that when you lose control of your vehicle, the best thing you can do is take your foot off of the brake and steer in the direction you want to go. Seeing as how cars were not around during Jesus' time, I hardly think he is qualified to deal with the situation.

Fortunately, she and her baby survive the ordeal, but it is only from sheer dumb luck rather than magical intervention. And yet here we have this song telling people that when they are in mortal peril they should ignore everything they learned in driving school and hope that some mystical dead guy swoops in and saves the day. I don't think this is something we should be teaching our children.

Of course, it doesn't end there. After living through the crash, the woman decides that it would be wise to let Jesus "Take the wheel" in all aspects of her life. This really is not a smart move. Jesus didn't save you from that car crash, and he sure as hell isn't going to get you out of jury duty or pay that mountain of parking tickets. So while you are letting Jesus run your life, I'll be over here taking care of things on my own.

Songs like this just disturb me.