Today's country abomination is "This is God" by Phil Vassar.
Basically, the song is God's first person account of how much the world sucks. Either that, or Phil Vassar believes that he is actually God.
In the song, this "God" character is basically like a whiny teenager complaining about why the world isn't perfect and asking everyone to please get along. Here is a taste of what the song includes:
Yeah, this is God
I've given everything to you
But look at what you do
to the world that I created
This is God
What's with this attitude and hate
You grow more ignorant with age
You had it made, now look at all you've wasted
I have a few objections to this. First, why is he complaining so much about a world that he claims he created? That's like Bill Gates bitching about how much Windows Vista sucks. Come on God, it's not our fault you developed such a terrible product. Then, rather than taking the blame for the problems on this planet, he begs us humans to please fix things for him. Hey man, it's not my fault you created Britney Spears and George W. Bush. You broke it, you fix it.
If you are going to complain about the world so much, then why don't you step up and fix things? Oh yeah, because you don't exist.
Phil Vassar, this song is horrible, and you have no one to blame but yourself.
Showing posts with label country countdown. Show all posts
Showing posts with label country countdown. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Top 10 Worst Religious Country Songs of All Time: #8 - 800 Pound Jesus
I've been on hiatus for a bit, but the countdown has returned in full force. Continuing with #8 we have 800 Pound Jesus by Sawyer Brown.
This touching country ballad tells the story of a man who finds an 8 foot tall Jesus statue at a garage sale. Apparently ignoring the cheaply priced stereo equipment and amazing collection of old 45's, this guy decides to take home the giant Jesus. After loading this colossal Christ into his front yard, the man takes the next natural course of action--painting Jesus purple and white. Fabulous.
Later, in traditional country song style, the protagonist of this thrilling tale loses his job and then has to watch as his girl runs off with his best friend. While this would lead most other country singers to a night of drinking and debauchery, this guy decides suicide is a better option. As a fine tribute to his Lord and Savior, this man decides to use him as a jumping off point for hanging himself. Then this amazing series of events transpires:
Out by that statue there's a big old tree
So I stood on his shoulders
And I counted to three
I had every intention of buying the farm
But when I jumped off he caught me in his arms
So rather than jumping in such a way that his path to the ground would have been clear, this genius leaps into the arms of the statue and ends up living. That's really a shame. One less idiot walking around.
Grateful to this stone savior for saving his life, the man decides he wants to live. After this near-death experience, he takes the natural next course of action--he gets counseling.
Just kidding!
He plants flowers at the base of the statue and buys him not one, but and entire flock of ceramic sheep! Of course! It makes perfect sense!
Then the song concludes with the profound statement of "He's a bigger man than you or me." Really? The 8 foot tall statue is bigger than you? How profound!
I think the moral of this story is clear:
When in doubt, trust Jesus.
No, Sawyer Brown should be whacked over the head with an 800 pound Jesus for writing this drivel. So the next time you are at a garage sale, leave the 8 foot tall Jesus statue and opt for the bowling pin lamp instead.
-Hessie
This touching country ballad tells the story of a man who finds an 8 foot tall Jesus statue at a garage sale. Apparently ignoring the cheaply priced stereo equipment and amazing collection of old 45's, this guy decides to take home the giant Jesus. After loading this colossal Christ into his front yard, the man takes the next natural course of action--painting Jesus purple and white. Fabulous.
Later, in traditional country song style, the protagonist of this thrilling tale loses his job and then has to watch as his girl runs off with his best friend. While this would lead most other country singers to a night of drinking and debauchery, this guy decides suicide is a better option. As a fine tribute to his Lord and Savior, this man decides to use him as a jumping off point for hanging himself. Then this amazing series of events transpires:
Out by that statue there's a big old tree
So I stood on his shoulders
And I counted to three
I had every intention of buying the farm
But when I jumped off he caught me in his arms
So rather than jumping in such a way that his path to the ground would have been clear, this genius leaps into the arms of the statue and ends up living. That's really a shame. One less idiot walking around.
Grateful to this stone savior for saving his life, the man decides he wants to live. After this near-death experience, he takes the natural next course of action--he gets counseling.
Just kidding!
He plants flowers at the base of the statue and buys him not one, but and entire flock of ceramic sheep! Of course! It makes perfect sense!
Then the song concludes with the profound statement of "He's a bigger man than you or me." Really? The 8 foot tall statue is bigger than you? How profound!
I think the moral of this story is clear:
No, Sawyer Brown should be whacked over the head with an 800 pound Jesus for writing this drivel. So the next time you are at a garage sale, leave the 8 foot tall Jesus statue and opt for the bowling pin lamp instead.
-Hessie
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Top 10 Worst Religious Country Songs of All Time: #9 - Jesus Was A Country Boy
This week's pick for one of the worst religious country songs of all time is Jesus Was A Country Boy by Clay Walker.
Apparently the guy in the song is fed up with all the high tech preachers on TV and therefore reaches the logical conclusion that Jesus must have been a good ol' boy. Check out this gem of a chorus:
Cuz Jesus was a country boy
Walkin' down a dirt road with everything that he owned
He never met a stranger
Born in a barn, underneath the stars
His momma laid him in a manger
Swimmin’ in the river fishin' for his dinner livin' with the sinners like me
Makes me think that Jesus was a country boy
I don't even know where to begin with this. First of all, I doubt they had asphalt back then, so of course Jesus was on a dirt road. And unless he had a nice storage unit or airport locker, he would pretty much have to cart around everything he owns. I don't see being born near a bunch of piles of cow manure to be something to brag about either, and since the Wal-Mart Supercenter in Jerusalem probably wasn't finished yet, he would undoubtedly had to have fished for his food.
After this atrocity of a chorus, the song then goes on to ramble about the man's father and how he wasn't religious, but he was going to heaven anyway because Jesus was a country boy just like him. How is that fair? So what, all of the urban non-religious people are doomed to hell? Yeah, that seems fair.
This is why religion is stupid.
Clay Walker, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Apparently the guy in the song is fed up with all the high tech preachers on TV and therefore reaches the logical conclusion that Jesus must have been a good ol' boy. Check out this gem of a chorus:
Cuz Jesus was a country boy
Walkin' down a dirt road with everything that he owned
He never met a stranger
Born in a barn, underneath the stars
His momma laid him in a manger
Swimmin’ in the river fishin' for his dinner livin' with the sinners like me
Makes me think that Jesus was a country boy
I don't even know where to begin with this. First of all, I doubt they had asphalt back then, so of course Jesus was on a dirt road. And unless he had a nice storage unit or airport locker, he would pretty much have to cart around everything he owns. I don't see being born near a bunch of piles of cow manure to be something to brag about either, and since the Wal-Mart Supercenter in Jerusalem probably wasn't finished yet, he would undoubtedly had to have fished for his food.
After this atrocity of a chorus, the song then goes on to ramble about the man's father and how he wasn't religious, but he was going to heaven anyway because Jesus was a country boy just like him. How is that fair? So what, all of the urban non-religious people are doomed to hell? Yeah, that seems fair.
This is why religion is stupid.
Clay Walker, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Top 10 Worst Religious Country Songs of All Time: #10 - Jesus Take the Wheel
Over the next 10 weeks, I will reveal a different religious country song and explain why it should be banned from the face of the earth.
This week's song is Jesus Take the Wheel by Carrie Underwood.
The song starts off with some woman driving home in the snow with her baby in the backseat. She hits an icy patch and the car starts to spin out of control. Our genius driver decided to take her hands off the wheel, and as she does so she is thinking the following:
Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel
Now, any certified driving instructor will tell you that when you lose control of your vehicle, the best thing you can do is take your foot off of the brake and steer in the direction you want to go. Seeing as how cars were not around during Jesus' time, I hardly think he is qualified to deal with the situation.
Fortunately, she and her baby survive the ordeal, but it is only from sheer dumb luck rather than magical intervention. And yet here we have this song telling people that when they are in mortal peril they should ignore everything they learned in driving school and hope that some mystical dead guy swoops in and saves the day. I don't think this is something we should be teaching our children.
Of course, it doesn't end there. After living through the crash, the woman decides that it would be wise to let Jesus "Take the wheel" in all aspects of her life. This really is not a smart move. Jesus didn't save you from that car crash, and he sure as hell isn't going to get you out of jury duty or pay that mountain of parking tickets. So while you are letting Jesus run your life, I'll be over here taking care of things on my own.
Songs like this just disturb me.
-Hessie
This week's song is Jesus Take the Wheel by Carrie Underwood.
The song starts off with some woman driving home in the snow with her baby in the backseat. She hits an icy patch and the car starts to spin out of control. Our genius driver decided to take her hands off the wheel, and as she does so she is thinking the following:
Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel
Now, any certified driving instructor will tell you that when you lose control of your vehicle, the best thing you can do is take your foot off of the brake and steer in the direction you want to go. Seeing as how cars were not around during Jesus' time, I hardly think he is qualified to deal with the situation.
Fortunately, she and her baby survive the ordeal, but it is only from sheer dumb luck rather than magical intervention. And yet here we have this song telling people that when they are in mortal peril they should ignore everything they learned in driving school and hope that some mystical dead guy swoops in and saves the day. I don't think this is something we should be teaching our children.
Of course, it doesn't end there. After living through the crash, the woman decides that it would be wise to let Jesus "Take the wheel" in all aspects of her life. This really is not a smart move. Jesus didn't save you from that car crash, and he sure as hell isn't going to get you out of jury duty or pay that mountain of parking tickets. So while you are letting Jesus run your life, I'll be over here taking care of things on my own.
Songs like this just disturb me.
-Hessie
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