Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Top 10 Worst Religious Country Songs of All Time: #8 - 800 Pound Jesus

I've been on hiatus for a bit, but the countdown has returned in full force. Continuing with #8 we have 800 Pound Jesus by Sawyer Brown.

This touching country ballad tells the story of a man who finds an 8 foot tall Jesus statue at a garage sale. Apparently ignoring the cheaply priced stereo equipment and amazing collection of old 45's, this guy decides to take home the giant Jesus. After loading this colossal Christ into his front yard, the man takes the next natural course of action--painting Jesus purple and white. Fabulous.

Later, in traditional country song style, the protagonist of this thrilling tale loses his job and then has to watch as his girl runs off with his best friend. While this would lead most other country singers to a night of drinking and debauchery, this guy decides suicide is a better option. As a fine tribute to his Lord and Savior, this man decides to use him as a jumping off point for hanging himself. Then this amazing series of events transpires:

Out by that statue there's a big old tree
So I stood on his shoulders
And I counted to three
I had every intention of buying the farm
But when I jumped off he caught me in his arms

So rather than jumping in such a way that his path to the ground would have been clear, this genius leaps into the arms of the statue and ends up living. That's really a shame. One less idiot walking around.

Grateful to this stone savior for saving his life, the man decides he wants to live. After this near-death experience, he takes the natural next course of action--he gets counseling.

Just kidding!

He plants flowers at the base of the statue and buys him not one, but and entire flock of ceramic sheep! Of course! It makes perfect sense!

Then the song concludes with the profound statement of "He's a bigger man than you or me." Really? The 8 foot tall statue is bigger than you? How profound!

I think the moral of this story is clear:

When in doubt, trust Jesus.

No, Sawyer Brown should be whacked over the head with an 800 pound Jesus for writing this drivel. So the next time you are at a garage sale, leave the 8 foot tall Jesus statue and opt for the bowling pin lamp instead.


1 comment:

Austin said...

Look here i don't know who you are or how u think you even matter, but you make fun of a song that is sang in all kinds of churches and everything else, futher more i saw your review of clay walker's song let me tell you something my friend religion is not stupid maybe you should find some if u think that way. by the way that song was a top 10 hit on radio so i guess alot of people didn't think 800 pound jesus was stupid.