Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Future Forecast: Hate Crimes on the Rise; the Rich Get Richer, the Poor Get Poorer, and the Black Man Gets Screwed

Why cant you just shoot the damn Mexicans??
Lou Dobbs really, really Hates Mexicans
Apparently, Lou Dobbs isn't the only one that hates Mexicans...
Are all illegal immigrants Mexican?

What we have here is a national crisis. Illegal immigration and the ineffective laws in place to "prevent" it from happening are fueling a frenzy in the United States. There are multiple issues at stake; the prevalence of frightening intolerance among Americans toward all hispanics, as exhibited above, is just one of the many...

Outside of the obvious racism that exists, not just toward illegal immigrants (many of whom come from other countries, not just Mexico), but toward a majority of hispanic people, there is the issue of the relationship between race and class in America.

This is interesting. I think what may end up happening (even more so than already) is a huge class divide between white Americans and hispanics. There will be a proliferation of clubs similar in nature to the DAR who are trying to keep "American" history alive (read: white history), but what may end up happening is an extreme nationalism that occurred in a situation similar to Nazi Germany. Not that I am in any way, shape, or form making light of the plight of the Jews or trying to be a Nazi sympathizer, but the Nazi Germans were trying to protect their country from being overrun by people they felt jeopardized the success of their country. Right or wrong, this was a mind-set that was pervasive enough that German citizens allowed the Nazi soldiers to commence with the extermination of millions of innocent people.

In no way do I think that legal Mexican immigrants (or any legal immigrants for that matter) should be barred from entering this country, but if things keep going the way they are now with illegal immigrants, there is going to be an even greater hostility toward all minorities (except for blacks) that I think will escalate into violence and greater class divisions. It's entirely possible that the black culture will view the emerging hispanic majority as a threat to their chances of "equality" or success within American (read: white) society. I guarantee that the black community is going to suffer greatly because the hispanic community is taking over the jobs that both blacks and whites refuse to do. The white community has always been in the majority as far as the normative functions of society are concerned, and the hispanic community will be the actual majority in the country. This leaves the black wo/man in a very precarious situation.

In addition, I have recently seen statistics that white upper and middle class people are not reproducing at the rate that lower class minorities are. This influx of illegal working-class immigrants will only increase the number of people in the working class, and result not in the spread of wealth, but in the extreme concentration of wealth among certain demographics (white, educated people that already come from wealthy families). If the democrats think that the majority of this country's wealth is too concentrated now, just keep letting uneducated illegal immigrants into the country. Illegal immigration only serves to make our nation's poor poorer and promote class divisions.

This relationship between race and class has the potential to evolve into a system similar to that of castes in India. I predict in 20 years, our society will look something like this:

Top Socio-economic bracket: White, educated, American-born people

Upper-middle bracket: Black and Asian American-born, educated people

Middle bracket: Other American-born educated minorities, excluding Muslims and Hispanics

Lower-middle bracket: Hispanic American-born, educated people

Lower-class bracket: Hispanic American-born, uneducated people; Muslim American-born, educated people

Lowest bracket: Muslim, American-born, uneducated people; other non-American born minorities.

This is frightening, and the potential for racially-motivated or class-motivated hatred will grow even greater as there grows a misunderstanding and intolerance to other races and nationalities as a result of the poorly-handled issue of illegal immigration.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Car Chases, Swordfights, and Explosions Oh My! A Look At Summer Movies 2007

The summer movie season officially began earlier this month, and Hollywood continued to show that they are officially out of ideas (Miami Vice anyone?) by shoving third installments of Spider Man, Shrek and Pirates of the Caribbean down our throats. All three have already been released, and because movie audiences love that which is familiar and known to them, these movies have all done very well at the box office. Salivating at the thought of the money that can still be made with each franchise, studio executives have no doubt already discussed plans to whore out each series further with a fourth and maybe even a fifth film. Sure the quality will drop significantly and the dialogue will become almost non-existent, but never underestimate the desire of movie audiences around the world to shell out their hard earned money for horrendous films. Titanic made over a billion dollars after all.

The summer movie season is still far from over, and we still have many more potential blockbusters on the horizon to look forward to:

Ocean’s 13 – June 8
Having never seen the first two films in this series, I have no interest in seeing the third, and from what I’ve heard George Clooney is only making these films so Warner Bros. will continue to fund his pet projects like Good Night, and Good Luck and The Good German. Because of star power, the first two made hundreds of millions of dollars at the box office, and because those same A-listers are back for this film, audiences will undoubtedly flock to see it.

Sicko – June 29
Michael Moore is back coming off the mega success of 2004’s Fahrenheit 9/11 that was among the many regrettable reasons George W. Bush won a second term at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. This time, Moore looks at the state of healthcare in America. Because it is a Moore film, you can expect fabrications, falsifications, half-truths and outright lies that better help him to make his point. The issue he’s looking at here is not necessarily a liberal vs. conservative or a democrat vs. republican issue, but you can already guess who’s going to love this movie and who’s going to hate it.

Transformers – July 4
Directed by Michael Bay, the same man that brought us Pearl Harbor, The Island, and pretty much every shitty action movie of the past 10 years, this movie will undoubtedly suck. Will people go see it? Probably. Why? I don’t know. Having never seen the television series or the original movie, I really don’t understand the allure of this movie. Because Bay is directing, there’s probably not a chance in hell of me seeing this, uh, ever.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix – July 13
Further stifling the imagination of children and adults alike, the fifth installment of the best-selling book series hits theaters this summer and the major difference here is that all of the actors in the film can now apply for Social Security. Daniel Radcliffe is coming off trying to distance himself from Harry Potter by appearing naked with a horse on a London stage in the play Equus. (Aside: usually when actors try to reinvent themselves, they play drug addicts, “bad” guys, or mentally challenged people, so Radcliffe should be given props for going the appearing naked on a stage with a horse route) (Second Aside: While he should be given kudos, seriously, what the hell was he thinking?)
Anyway, back to the movie. Not having any vested interest in this movie or the book series, I think it would be hilarious if this movie was a complete flop. Would Warner Bros. scrap production of the last two? Would Radcliffe ever be heard from again? One can only hope it’s a flop, but there’s no possible way it will be.

The Simpsons Movie – July 27
The quality of the show may have gone down in the past five years, but there is no way I will not be seeing this movie. Having watched the show since I was 7 years old, I have been waiting for this movie with baited breath for 2/3 of my life. My expectations will almost assuredly not be met, but I am willing to forgive if the movie is in any way reminiscent to the classic days of the show. I really can’t find a way to be critical of this movie so I’m going to have to find another movie to criticize. Hmmm….hmm….ah

The Bourne Ultimatum – August 3
Let’s see….Matt Damon? Check. Explosions? Check. Car Chases? Check. Well, looks like we got ourselves a movie. Phew, criticism crisis averted.


Fantasic Four II (June 15), Die Hard 4 (June 29), Rush Hour III (August 10)


Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Is it Smited, Smitten, Smote, or Smut? A Conversation Between Two Atheists and Two Christians

Preface: Hessie, a noted atheist, mocks Jesus by striking a crucifixion pose

E: Yeah, that was like, one day of his life…

Hessie: That’s right, for the rest of it, he was a carpenter...he made cabinets

Housewife: She’s never even seen a Bible

E: She only knows what she reads on atheist Web sites…She saw one, near your book, in Barnes and Noble…

Hessie: Yeah, I have. I have one. It says, Bible, by God. And on the back, it says, About the author.

E: God was born in 1976 in Madison, Wisconsin…

Hessie: God is a teacher, counselor, philosopher…some other crap…

Hank: He was a carpenter

Housewife: That was his son, Jesus

Hank: He was a part time DJ, that radio station, KGOD

Hessie:…his timeless classic, The Bible, has been enjoyed by millions…

Hank: Other works include The Hunt for Red October, Bible 2: Electric Boogaloo, and Tuesdays with Morrie

Hank: I heard he was the ghostwriter of the Koran…

Housewife: That was a myth

Housewife: I wonder how the New Testament was received when it came out…

Hessie: Now guys, I know what they always say about sequels, but really, this one…

Housewife: The Dead Sea Scrolls however, were originally rejected from the publisher. In addition, they were really disappointed with the translation in the King James version. Add in some stuff about homosexuals…and slavery. It will appeal to the American audience

Hank: What’s America?

Hessie: Yeah, homosexuals, and dinosaurs, they’re gonna have questions about that…

Hank: Jonah saw a dinosaur, or something. Maybe it was Job. I don’t know, starts with a J…


E: Can someone stop her?

Housewife: You say that like any of us have control over her…

Hank hits Hessie with bottle, rumble ensues

Ron Paul: What kind of fuckery is this?

Apparently, everyone is buzzing about Ron Paul. And everyone is talking about how no one knows who Ron Paul is. There is a glutton of blog posts regarding this mystery candidate, which in sum, say basically this: "Oh my god, who is Ron Paul?"

Out of the five of us, only Hank knew about this guy who is basically a dark fly on a dark horse. Here's how the conversation went:

Hessie: "Search technorati to see what people are posting about."

Technorati Site: Number one search: Ron Paul

e: "Who the hell is Ron Paul?"

Hank: "You know, he's a presidential candidate --"

Housewife & Hessie: " don't know..."

Housewife: "Is that like Sean Paul?"

Hessie: "Ron-da Paul. Number One. Champion...We-be-burnin'-and-some-other-words-you-know..."

Hank: "Look it up, look it up! You know, he's the guy Bill Maher called 'RuPaul.' Or something. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention...So anyway, Taboo, it's a 1980s porn --"

Hessie: "You watched it without me?!"

Ok, it was a short conversation, just like all of the blog posts about Ron-da Paul. Short. Because no one knows any other information about him other than that no one knows anything about him. Ron-da Paul and Chris Dodd. The most talked about people that no one talks about.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Coors Light: The Dunce of Light Beers

The following is a re-post of an entry that I made in my other blog many moons ago. I feel that the material is still very relevant and I am interested to know other people's opnions on the subject.

Given the choice between a pitcher of Miller Lite and a pitcher of Coors Light, one night, my friends and I opted for the Miller, soley based on taste. The consensus at the table was that Miller is tasty, and Coors tastes like donkey piss.

I think I know why.

According to the Miller website, Miller Lite is brewed with "only the finest malted barley and choicest hops." Basically, the people who brew Miller are dedicated to making a beer that is actually pleasing to the taste buds. Aside from Miller, many other light beers are also pretty tasty.

Except Coors Light.

So where did Coors go wrong? Venture into the history section of the website, and you will see that founder Adolph Coors decided that using mountain spring water would make for yummy beer, which is why he built the brewery and headquarters in Golden, Colorado. Therein lies the problem. While the fine people at the Miller breweries are carefully selecting hops and barely, the people at Coors are using water that deer and other woodland creatures generally relieve themselves in. Hence the reason some say Coors Light tastes like "piss water."

Now I'm sure they try to purify their water and all, but it seems they should probably focus less on the H2O and more on the stuff that is actually going to affect the taste of the beer. This is probably why Coors has to market Coors Light as "the coldest tasting beer in the world." Too bad that is a lousy marketing strategy.

"Our beer tastes like ass...but it sure is cold!"

Good one, Coors.

There is also an interesting twist. Another agreement we came to at our table last night was that Killians, especially Killian's Irish Red, is totally delicous. So I looked into the matter and guess who I found out makes Killians?

You guessed it...


Now how can a single company make something so tasty and then turn around and make something that tastes like liquified cardboard?

Beats me. But I sure as heck won't be "Tapping the Rockies" anytime soon.


Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Jerry Falwell 1933-2007

Farewell and Good Riddance to one of the most disgusting human beings that has ever walked this earth.

Jerry Falwell has died and the world is better off without him in it. The “Reverend” and I use that term loosely was a homophobe, a sexist, and an all around asshole that deserved a death far worse than that which he received.

Because he was a “man of God” Falwell was allowed to spew his bigotry and hatred without repercussion.

Let’s take a look at a few of his comments:

“And, I know that I'll hear from them for this. But, throwing God out successfully with the help of the federal court system, throwing God out of the public square, out of the schools. The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way -- all of them who have tried to secularize America -- I point the finger in their face and say, ‘You helped this happen.’”

This is perhaps Falwell’s most despicable comment in which he blames the attacks of 9/11 on the actions of pagans, abortionists, feminists and homosexuals. Falwell was criticized, but for some reason, he was still allowed to practice his "ministry", and the public still bought into it.

“AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals.”

“There is no separation of church and state. Modern U.S. Supreme Courts have raped the Constitution and raped the Christian faith and raped the churches by misinterpreting what the Founders had in mind in the First Amendment to the Constitution.”

“We're fighting against humanism, we're fighting against liberalism ... we are fighting against all the systems of Satan that are destroying our nation today ... our battle is with Satan himself.”

Let us not forget Falwell’s 1999 accusation that Tinky Winky, the purple teletubbie, was a gay role model and morally damaging to children, simply because the teletubby had a purse.

If anyone else outside the Religious world had made these kinds of comments, they would have been harshly reprimanded and fired from whatever job they held. However, since Religion and the “religious” are given a pass in this country by the media, Falwell was allowed to continue preaching his nonsensical ravings, and the media continued to buy in fish, line and sinker.

Jerry Falwell was no more than a mentally unstable man who liked to believe he was a servant of God. His death should not be met with tears, but rather, the country should rejoice that the man who did far more harm to the image of Christians and Religion in this country than good has finally expired.

- Hank

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Great Comic

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @


Sunday, May 6, 2007


Public Displays of Affection: We see them everywhere, whether it be a couple holding hands as they walk down the street, or two lovebirds who must insist on making out whenever possible in full view of everyone. Yep, they're everywhere and much like these people, they need to die a horrible death.

The truth is no one cares how in love you are. Having to hold hands with your partner everywhere you go is not a beautiful display of your love for one another, rather it's completely vapid and shallow and tells the world, "Hey, we're insecure pricks who must constantly show the world that we are in a relationship."

Making out with your partner in public is also a sickening display. There is nothing more repulsive than glancing over at a couple in the movie theatre or in a restaurant and seeing them fully engaged in tongue wrestling. Now, there is nothing at all wrong with a simple kiss here and there, but there's something fundamentally lacking in both individuals if they cannot express their love for one another without involving their tongue. The tongue should make either no appearance or a very brief appearance of no more than two seconds while in a public setting.
Then you have these people that request to sit in booths in restaurants. But, can they sit across from one another like any normal couple? No, they have to sit next to each other in a booth, even though there is a perfectly good seat across the table from them. This is possibly the most sickening of the PDA's simply because it is by far the most superficial display, not to mention awkward. Can you really not physically be next to this person for the time it takes you to eat a meal? The insecurity level of these people is off the charts entirely. If I was the waiter for these people, I would spit in their food on principle alone.

With the technological breakthroughs of the 21st century have come new and exciting ways to show affection publicly, and Facebook is leading the way with its relationship status function. Not only do you get to tell all of your friends that you're in a relationship, but you get to tell them who the relationship is with and what stage the relationship is in. Joe Smith (University of Texas) is in a relationship with Mary Beth Schultz (University of Florida). Well, congratufuckinglations. It's not enough to say that you are simply in a relationship, but you must also prove that the other person indeed exists. Now all of your friends can be jealous when your relationship status changes from Single to In a Relationship and they can cry with you when your status returns to single again. Your facebook wall can be filled with wall posts from your friends wondering who the new guy/gal in your life is, and it gives you free range to talk about just how great of a couple you guys are.

PDA's are not cute, nor are they sweet. They are simply methods in which people in relationships attempt to communicate just how much being in a relationship defines who they are as a person. To put it bluntly, it's ego masturbation at its most contemptible.

- Hank

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

This Conversation Brought to You By the Makers of…

Setting: A diner, lunchtime, two women seated facing each other at a table
Woman 1: “Have you read anything interesting lately?”

Woman 2: “Well, actually” (pulls out The Book of Mormon)

Are you kidding me? This commercial is for real? I feel like I’m watching a scene from the movie The Truman Show. We’re commercializing religion now? (Okay, okay, stupid question)

Not that I’m surprised, but I was just a little thrown by how blatantly obvious the dialogue was. Understandably, personal testimony is an integral part of religion, especially in evangelical faiths, but I was waiting for an announcer to come on in the background and say, “This money-back guarantee on your eternal salvation won’t last for long, so call now! And if you call in the next five minutes, we’ll throw in The Book of Job, absolutely free! That’s a value of almost two souls for just three easy payments of $19.99, with free shipping and handling!”

Granted, this commercial was in a late-night line-up on The WB, in the same commercial break for a singles text-to-flirt phone company (why in the world would I want people I don’t even know text messaging me obscene messages? I can only imagine how those text messages are composed, like bad personalized license plates strung together to make some kind of provocative proposition: R U FREE 2NITE QTΠ?).

“I just feel so much more peaceful now,” continued the second woman, in her testimony about the wonders of The Book of Mormon.

I have a few suggestions about additional dialogue for this commercial:

“I just feel so much more peaceful now and I’m sleeping so much better too…”

“I just feel so much more peaceful now and my clothes fit better too…”

“I just feel so much more peaceful now and I’ve saved a bunch of money on my car insurance…”

“I just feel so much more peaceful now thanks to just 30 minutes a day with the Bowflex”

“I just feel so much more peaceful now and I’m not just the CEO, I’m also a client”

“I just feel so much more peaceful now, BAM! (Close up on Emeril)”

“I just feel so much more peaceful now; side effects may include dry mouth, upset stomach, or diarrhea. The Book of Mormon should not be used by pregnant or lactating women…”

“I just feel so much more peaceful now; results not typical in all cases”

As campy late-night television commercials go, this advertisement might as well have employed Sally Struthers to ask viewers, “Do you wanna make more money?”


The World's Smartest Man

Disclaimer: For all you gender conscious people out there, no I have not forgotten my schooling in gendered language. The word "man" refers to everyone, and if you follow the link you will understand why I used that term instead of "person."

What qualifies people as being smart? Do they have to be members of Mensa? Should they be able to beat anybody in a game of Trivial Pursuit? Should they have a college degree?

I say no.

After giving it some thought, I have come up with a list of ten qualities of the world's smartest man. Granted, I'm sure there are many more that I am leaving out, but I think this is a pretty good start.

1. The world's smartest man keeps up with relevant current events and not just celebrity gossip.

2. The world's smartest man doesn't cave to the dominant ideology.

3. The world's smartest man is a good listener.

4. The world's smartest man is open-minded and free from prejudice.

5. The world's smartest man takes time each day to relax.

6. The world's smartest man knows how to forgive.

7. The world's smartest man stays true to himself and doesn't compromise his integrity.

8. The world's smartest man knows how to laugh and isn't afraid to laugh at himself.

9. The world's smartest man pays his bills on time.

10. The world's smartest man takes risks and isn't afraid to dream big.

That's all I've got for now. What have I missed and how smart are you?