The summer movie season officially began earlier this month, and Hollywood continued to show that they are officially out of ideas (Miami Vice anyone?) by shoving third installments of Spider Man, Shrek and Pirates of the Caribbean down our throats. All three have already been released, and because movie audiences love that which is familiar and known to them, these movies have all done very well at the box office. Salivating at the thought of the money that can still be made with each franchise, studio executives have no doubt already discussed plans to whore out each series further with a fourth and maybe even a fifth film. Sure the quality will drop significantly and the dialogue will become almost non-existent, but never underestimate the desire of movie audiences around the world to shell out their hard earned money for horrendous films. Titanic made over a billion dollars after all.
The summer movie season is still far from over, and we still have many more potential blockbusters on the horizon to look forward to:
Ocean’s 13 – June 8
Having never seen the first two films in this series, I have no interest in seeing the third, and from what I’ve heard George Clooney is only making these films so Warner Bros. will continue to fund his pet projects like Good Night, and Good Luck and The Good German. Because of star power, the first two made hundreds of millions of dollars at the box office, and because those same A-listers are back for this film, audiences will undoubtedly flock to see it.
Sicko – June 29
Michael Moore is back coming off the mega success of 2004’s Fahrenheit 9/11 that was among the many regrettable reasons George W. Bush won a second term at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. This time, Moore looks at the state of healthcare in America. Because it is a Moore film, you can expect fabrications, falsifications, half-truths and outright lies that better help him to make his point. The issue he’s looking at here is not necessarily a liberal vs. conservative or a democrat vs. republican issue, but you can already guess who’s going to love this movie and who’s going to hate it.
Transformers – July 4
Directed by Michael Bay, the same man that brought us Pearl Harbor, The Island, and pretty much every shitty action movie of the past 10 years, this movie will undoubtedly suck. Will people go see it? Probably. Why? I don’t know. Having never seen the television series or the original movie, I really don’t understand the allure of this movie. Because Bay is directing, there’s probably not a chance in hell of me seeing this, uh, ever.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix – July 13
Further stifling the imagination of children and adults alike, the fifth installment of the best-selling book series hits theaters this summer and the major difference here is that all of the actors in the film can now apply for Social Security. Daniel Radcliffe is coming off trying to distance himself from Harry Potter by appearing naked with a horse on a London stage in the play Equus. (Aside: usually when actors try to reinvent themselves, they play drug addicts, “bad” guys, or mentally challenged people, so Radcliffe should be given props for going the appearing naked on a stage with a horse route) (Second Aside: While he should be given kudos, seriously, what the hell was he thinking?)
Anyway, back to the movie. Not having any vested interest in this movie or the book series, I think it would be hilarious if this movie was a complete flop. Would Warner Bros. scrap production of the last two? Would Radcliffe ever be heard from again? One can only hope it’s a flop, but there’s no possible way it will be.
The Simpsons Movie – July 27
The quality of the show may have gone down in the past five years, but there is no way I will not be seeing this movie. Having watched the show since I was 7 years old, I have been waiting for this movie with baited breath for 2/3 of my life. My expectations will almost assuredly not be met, but I am willing to forgive if the movie is in any way reminiscent to the classic days of the show. I really can’t find a way to be critical of this movie so I’m going to have to find another movie to criticize. Hmmm….hmm….ah
The Bourne Ultimatum – August 3
Let’s see….Matt Damon? Check. Explosions? Check. Car Chases? Check. Well, looks like we got ourselves a movie. Phew, criticism crisis averted.
Fantasic Four II (June 15), Die Hard 4 (June 29), Rush Hour III (August 10)