This Conversation Brought to You By the Makers of…

Setting: A diner, lunchtime, two women seated facing each other at a table

Woman 1: “Have you read anything interesting lately?”

Woman 2: “Well, actually” (pulls out The Book of Mormon)

Are you kidding me? This commercial is for real? I feel like I’m watching a scene from the movie The Truman Show. We’re commercializing religion now? (Okay, okay, stupid question)

Not that I’m surprised, but I was just a little thrown by how blatantly obvious the dialogue was. Understandably, personal testimony is an integral part of religion, especially in evangelical faiths, but I was waiting for an announcer to come on in the background and say, “This money-back guarantee on your eternal salvation won’t last for long, so call now! And if you call in the next five minutes, we’ll throw in The Book of Job, absolutely free! That’s a value of almost two souls for just three easy payments of $19.99, with free shipping and handling!”

Granted, this commercial was in a late-night line-up on The WB, in the same commercial break for a singles text-to-flirt phone company (why in the world would I want people I don’t even know text messaging me obscene messages? I can only imagine how those text messages are composed, like bad personalized license plates strung together to make some kind of provocative proposition: R U FREE 2NITE QTΠ?).

“I just feel so much more peaceful now,” continued the second woman, in her testimony about the wonders of The Book of Mormon.

I have a few suggestions about additional dialogue for this commercial:

“I just feel so much more peaceful now and I’m sleeping so much better too…”

“I just feel so much more peaceful now and my clothes fit better too…”

“I just feel so much more peaceful now and I’ve saved a bunch of money on my car insurance…”

“I just feel so much more peaceful now thanks to just 30 minutes a day with the Bowflex”

“I just feel so much more peaceful now and I’m not just the CEO, I’m also a client”

“I just feel so much more peaceful now, BAM! (Close up on Emeril)”

“I just feel so much more peaceful now; side effects may include dry mouth, upset stomach, or diarrhea. The Book of Mormon should not be used by pregnant or lactating women…”

“I just feel so much more peaceful now; results not typical in all cases”

As campy late-night television commercials go, this advertisement might as well have employed Sally Struthers to ask viewers, “Do you wanna make more money?”

-e