Sunday, December 23, 2007

Worst of 2007 -- A Call for Nominations

Well what would the end of the year be without a nice post where we throw in one last rant about 2007? This year we are kicking off a new tradition with a "Worst of" post in which we will decide on who the big losers are from this year. Below is a list of categories. Please take a moment to read them and submit your nominations for any or all of the categories. Sometime around the new year we will post the winners.

The Categories:

Song that should have never made it on to the airwaves

Movie that least deserved to be in theaters

Most useless consumer product

Most ridiculous celebrity moment

Most un-newsworthy news story

Person who was the worst at life

Dumbest statement

Ugliest fashion trend

Most embarrassing moment for our country

Overall worst moment of the year (aka thing about 2007 that pissed you off the most)

Best thing about 2007 (because there is bound to be something)

Submit your nominations now!

Monday, December 10, 2007

What kind of fuckery is this? Pt.3 - Ham Soda edition

Jones Soda is marketing four new flavors of soda just in time for the holiday season. (CNN) The "Christmas Pack" as they call it features Sugar Plum, Christmas Tree, Egg Nog, and perhaps the most mouthwatering flavor Christmas Ham.

Now, if you are one of the dozens of people in this world that have had the thought, "Hmm...this ham is good, but I wonder what it would be like if I could drink it. I bet that would be much better" this comes as good news. Finally, your ham flavored beverage dreams have come true.

However, for the other 6 billion intelligent people that inhabit this planet, this is a slap in the face to deceny and self respect. Why? No one should drink a goddamn ham flavored drink. No one. Not your mother. Not your Aunt Glenda. Not Bob from down the street with the tennis court in his front yard. NO ONE.

Now, I have not tasted the drink, and I have no plans to do so (See above for why). So, could it possibly be a taste explosion of wonder and delight? Could it possibly be the one drink that makes the holiday season merry and bright? Could it be the best tasting soda ever?

Um, NO!

It's a drink that tastes like a motherfucking ham. If that hasn't dawned on you yet, then you need to do the rest of us a favor and put yourself in a self induced coma for a few years. Sit a few years out. We won't miss you.

Now, some may say that "I'm buying these because I read that a portion of the proceeds go to charity." While this may be true, no charity in the world could possibly be in such dire need that they have to accept money from the sales of Christmas Ham Soda.

So, if you want to ensure that decency and good taste doesn't officially call it quits this holiday season, please keep Ham Flavored Beverages off your Christmas List. I know delicious Ham flavoring in a can is tempting, but please, show some restraint.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Top 10 Worst Religious Country Songs of All Time: #7 -- This is God

Today's country abomination is "This is God" by Phil Vassar.

Basically, the song is God's first person account of how much the world sucks. Either that, or Phil Vassar believes that he is actually God.

In the song, this "God" character is basically like a whiny teenager complaining about why the world isn't perfect and asking everyone to please get along. Here is a taste of what the song includes:

Yeah, this is God
I've given everything to you
But look at what you do
to the world that I created
This is God
What's with this attitude and hate
You grow more ignorant with age
You had it made, now look at all you've wasted

I have a few objections to this. First, why is he complaining so much about a world that he claims he created? That's like Bill Gates bitching about how much Windows Vista sucks. Come on God, it's not our fault you developed such a terrible product. Then, rather than taking the blame for the problems on this planet, he begs us humans to please fix things for him. Hey man, it's not my fault you created Britney Spears and George W. Bush. You broke it, you fix it.

If you are going to complain about the world so much, then why don't you step up and fix things? Oh yeah, because you don't exist.

Phil Vassar, this song is horrible, and you have no one to blame but yourself.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Megan Meier Suicide -- Fighting Back Against Immature Adults

Many of you are probably already aware of the tragic story of Megan Meier, a young girl who committed suicide last October. If you are not, here is the basic story, as told by the Los Angeles Times:

For nearly a year, the families who live along Waterford Crystal Drive in this bedroom community northwest of St. Louis have kept the secret about the boy Megan Meier met last September on the social networking site MySpace.

He called himself Josh Evans, and he and 13-year-old Megan struck up an online friendship that lasted several weeks. Then the boy abruptly turned on Megan and ended it. That night, Megan, who had previously battled depression, committed suicide.

The secret was revealed six weeks later: Neighbor Lori Drew had pretended to be 16-year-old Josh to gain the trust of Megan, who had been fighting with Drew's daughter, according to sheriff's department records and Megan's parents.
Please go here to read the full story.
In my opinion, Megan's demise is completely the fault of the neighbors who created the fake MySpace identity. What is truly sad is that it was not just a young girl playing a prank, rather the whole thing was orchestrated by a grown woman, someone who should have been mature enough to let her daughter deal with her own drama. Not only that, but it is also clear to me that Megan's suicide was directly triggered by the MySpace incident, and it completely sickens me that the family at fault has offered no type of apology or remorse whatsoever. It also saddens me that there isn't any way these people can be brought up on criminal charges.

There is, however, a small beacon of hope. According to the Los Angeles Times, the community and other people across the country are fighting back. I think in these situations, it is important for citizens to take matters into their own hands and teach the culprits a lesson. I encourage anyone who reads this to take a cue from these great citizens and join in the crusade to make these people's lives hell. These idiots need to take responsibility for their actions. In addition, I think everyone should offer their support to Megan's parents, who have to deal with such an overwhelming tragedy.

Furthermore, it is cases like this that bring about the importance of being extra careful in regards to the internet. Obviously, this Josh character was very convincing (probably because he was created by an adult), but this serves as a further warning as to why people need to take care when talking to people they don't know online. Take anything said by a stranger with a grain of salt, because you never know if that person is genuine, or if they are a 58-year-old overweight unemployed guy trying to fill some sad void in his life by screwing with people online. So please, if you have children, teach them at an early age to be wary of people on the internet. Let's do what we can to make sure something like this never happens again.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Things/People I am not thankful for

Thanksgiving is a time when people reflect on what they are truly thankful for, whether it be good health, friends, a new job, whatever. While I, too, have things that I am thankful for this year, I would like to focus on the things and the people I am not thankful for. For the sake of time and space, I will narrow the list to 20.

1. The song "Crank Dat Soulja Boy" the guy responsible for "Crank Dat Soulja Boy" and the people that have purchased the song "Crank Dat Soulja Boy" or the album "Crank Dat Soulja Boy" is on.
2. The Fox News Channel/Fox News Business Channel
3. People that quote Family Guy in every conversation they have
4. Heelys/Crocs and other ridculously ugly show abominations
5. people named Jamie or any spelling derivative of that
6. the high five/people that high five
7. the need for casual dining restaurants to hang weird shit on their walls (belt buckles, skis, boots, etc.)
8. Emo Punk music and its bands (Fall Out Boy, Cute Is What We Aim For, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, etc.)
9. any sandwich/hamburger with more than 1,000 calories
10. any television program/website/magazine that focuses on celebrities
11. Larry The Cable Guy
12. people that can't take a joke
13. the phrase "That's what I'm talking about" or anyone who uses that phrase
14. people that have mirrors above their bed
15. fanny packs
16. people that cite the Bible as their favorite book
17. people with more than 5 bumper stickers on the back of their car
18. hipsters
19. MTV/VH1
20. George W. Bush

Happy Thanksgiving

Monday, November 12, 2007

Monopoly Electronic Banking Edition - Sucking the Fun out of Childhood One Board Game at a Time

The classic board game Monopoly is known to be one of the most popular and beloved board games of all time. It has been a staple of American culture since 1935, has been enjoyed by more than 500 million people worldwide, and has been sold in 103 countries in 37 languages. With virtually hundreds of alternate game boards available, Monopoly is a game that pretty much anyone can enjoy. It's a great way to pass time on a rainy day, it brings families together, and it offers a nice alternative to television, video games, and other cancer-causing technology.

But that has all changed.

Hasbro has introduced a twist on this classic game--Monopoly Electronic Banking Edition. This version does away with the traditional paper Monopoly money and instead has players keep track of their earnings through a simulated ATM machine. While this may seem like an innovative step into the future, I am here to explain why this game is a travesty on many levels.

1. Mommy, what is a hundred plus fifty?

My first major issue with this game is the fact that it takes the math completely out of the picture. While some (hopelessly lazy) people might see this as a good thing, I think it is just another apparatus that will hold people back from being able to do basic addition. No matter who you are, it is likely that at some point in your life you will handle money. Whether you are a cashier, a prostitute, or someone having a garage sale, cash will be passed into your hands more than once in your life and it will become important for you to be able to count it. Monopoly provides both children and adults with an opportunity to gain skill in counting, adding and subtracting large numbers in their heads (and division if you have to deal with that pesky Luxury Tax). This new Monopoly completely takes away from this skill-building activity. As if mindless television shows and video games weren't enough, must we really bastardize board games by making them all electronic and taking all of the effort out of them?

2. Hello? Tech support?
Any piece of electronic equipment you buy comes with one major issue - it is easy to break and expensive to fix. Electronic Monopoly is no different. With original Monopoly, if you lost a few of those paper bills, it did not have much impact on the game because there were still plenty to go around. With the advent of the internet, even if you do lose some fake cash, you can download and print extras from the Monopoly website. Either way, it is pretty easy to get by if you have a money malfunction. With the new edition on the other hand, if the electronic calculator/ATM breaks, it is literally game over. Also, while replacing paper money is relatively cheap, replacing batteries is a bit more pricey. Franky, it seems like too much of a hassle for something that isn't that innovative or exciting to begin with.

3. Do not pass Go. Do not collect two crisp yellowish $100 bills.
I have saved my most compelling (and of course, most important) argument for last. When playing a game of regular Monopoly, there is a certain degree of satisfaction in accumulating those fake bills. What's the fun in Monopoly when you can't wave your fat wad of bills in your opponents face? How can you enjoy winning if you can't throw your cash in the air like confetti or roll around in it like you are making snow angels? What fun is there at all if you can't strategically position your huge stack of bright orange $500 bills so that they are in clear view of all those who don't even have a single blue $50 bill?

To me, Monopoly isn't about buying and trading property. It isn't about bank errors in your favor or hotels or getting out of jail free. Monopoly is a great way to show your superior gaming skills by gaining a larger stack of cash and title deeds than that of your opponents. It's about counting out your winnings loudly so the other person can hear how wonderful you are. The electronic edition completely robs people of this absolute joy. So say no to the new travesty of a game and stick to the classic. Otherwise I will track you down and punch you hard in the Community Chest.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Top 10 Worst Religious Country Songs of All Time: #8 - 800 Pound Jesus

I've been on hiatus for a bit, but the countdown has returned in full force. Continuing with #8 we have 800 Pound Jesus by Sawyer Brown.

This touching country ballad tells the story of a man who finds an 8 foot tall Jesus statue at a garage sale. Apparently ignoring the cheaply priced stereo equipment and amazing collection of old 45's, this guy decides to take home the giant Jesus. After loading this colossal Christ into his front yard, the man takes the next natural course of action--painting Jesus purple and white. Fabulous.

Later, in traditional country song style, the protagonist of this thrilling tale loses his job and then has to watch as his girl runs off with his best friend. While this would lead most other country singers to a night of drinking and debauchery, this guy decides suicide is a better option. As a fine tribute to his Lord and Savior, this man decides to use him as a jumping off point for hanging himself. Then this amazing series of events transpires:

Out by that statue there's a big old tree
So I stood on his shoulders
And I counted to three
I had every intention of buying the farm
But when I jumped off he caught me in his arms

So rather than jumping in such a way that his path to the ground would have been clear, this genius leaps into the arms of the statue and ends up living. That's really a shame. One less idiot walking around.

Grateful to this stone savior for saving his life, the man decides he wants to live. After this near-death experience, he takes the natural next course of action--he gets counseling.

Just kidding!

He plants flowers at the base of the statue and buys him not one, but and entire flock of ceramic sheep! Of course! It makes perfect sense!

Then the song concludes with the profound statement of "He's a bigger man than you or me." Really? The 8 foot tall statue is bigger than you? How profound!

I think the moral of this story is clear:

When in doubt, trust Jesus.

No, Sawyer Brown should be whacked over the head with an 800 pound Jesus for writing this drivel. So the next time you are at a garage sale, leave the 8 foot tall Jesus statue and opt for the bowling pin lamp instead.