Monday, December 10, 2007

What kind of fuckery is this? Pt.3 - Ham Soda edition

Jones Soda is marketing four new flavors of soda just in time for the holiday season. (CNN) The "Christmas Pack" as they call it features Sugar Plum, Christmas Tree, Egg Nog, and perhaps the most mouthwatering flavor Christmas Ham.

Now, if you are one of the dozens of people in this world that have had the thought, "Hmm...this ham is good, but I wonder what it would be like if I could drink it. I bet that would be much better" this comes as good news. Finally, your ham flavored beverage dreams have come true.

However, for the other 6 billion intelligent people that inhabit this planet, this is a slap in the face to deceny and self respect. Why? No one should drink a goddamn ham flavored drink. No one. Not your mother. Not your Aunt Glenda. Not Bob from down the street with the tennis court in his front yard. NO ONE.

Now, I have not tasted the drink, and I have no plans to do so (See above for why). So, could it possibly be a taste explosion of wonder and delight? Could it possibly be the one drink that makes the holiday season merry and bright? Could it be the best tasting soda ever?

Um, NO!

It's a drink that tastes like a motherfucking ham. If that hasn't dawned on you yet, then you need to do the rest of us a favor and put yourself in a self induced coma for a few years. Sit a few years out. We won't miss you.

Now, some may say that "I'm buying these because I read that a portion of the proceeds go to charity." While this may be true, no charity in the world could possibly be in such dire need that they have to accept money from the sales of Christmas Ham Soda.

So, if you want to ensure that decency and good taste doesn't officially call it quits this holiday season, please keep Ham Flavored Beverages off your Christmas List. I know delicious Ham flavoring in a can is tempting, but please, show some restraint.

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