The PDA

Public Displays of Affection: We see them everywhere, whether it be a couple holding hands as they walk down the street, or two lovebirds who must insist on making out whenever possible in full view of everyone. Yep, they're everywhere and much like these people, they need to die a horrible death.


The truth is no one cares how in love you are. Having to hold hands with your partner everywhere you go is not a beautiful display of your love for one another, rather it's completely vapid and shallow and tells the world, "Hey, we're insecure pricks who must constantly show the world that we are in a relationship."

Making out with your partner in public is also a sickening display. There is nothing more repulsive than glancing over at a couple in the movie theatre or in a restaurant and seeing them fully engaged in tongue wrestling. Now, there is nothing at all wrong with a simple kiss here and there, but there's something fundamentally lacking in both individuals if they cannot express their love for one another without involving their tongue. The tongue should make either no appearance or a very brief appearance of no more than two seconds while in a public setting.
Then you have these people that request to sit in booths in restaurants. But, can they sit across from one another like any normal couple? No, they have to sit next to each other in a booth, even though there is a perfectly good seat across the table from them. This is possibly the most sickening of the PDA's simply because it is by far the most superficial display, not to mention awkward. Can you really not physically be next to this person for the time it takes you to eat a meal? The insecurity level of these people is off the charts entirely. If I was the waiter for these people, I would spit in their food on principle alone.

With the technological breakthroughs of the 21st century have come new and exciting ways to show affection publicly, and Facebook is leading the way with its relationship status function. Not only do you get to tell all of your friends that you're in a relationship, but you get to tell them who the relationship is with and what stage the relationship is in. Joe Smith (University of Texas) is in a relationship with Mary Beth Schultz (University of Florida). Well, congratufuckinglations. It's not enough to say that you are simply in a relationship, but you must also prove that the other person indeed exists. Now all of your friends can be jealous when your relationship status changes from Single to In a Relationship and they can cry with you when your status returns to single again. Your facebook wall can be filled with wall posts from your friends wondering who the new guy/gal in your life is, and it gives you free range to talk about just how great of a couple you guys are.

PDA's are not cute, nor are they sweet. They are simply methods in which people in relationships attempt to communicate just how much being in a relationship defines who they are as a person. To put it bluntly, it's ego masturbation at its most contemptible.

- Hank