Thursday, April 26, 2007

Love Songs...or Not - A Rebuttal to the Rebuttal

It’s seems I have stumbled upon a topic of interest. Not to be outdone by the infamous e, here are my further musings on the desolate, tonally-void wasteland that comprises contemporary love songs.

More Than Words - Extreme

What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real

If your heart is torn in two, I’m afraid you need more help than I am able to give you, and far more help than words alone can provide. Please place your local emergency service provider on speed dial if this is an actual concern you have regarding your heart. I hear medic alert also offers a wonderful service.

White Houses - Vanessa Carlton

Love, or something ignites in my veins
And I pray it never fades

Oh honey, that’s not love, that’s gonorrhea. You had better pray it fades and then take a good, strong dose of a doctor prescribed anti-bacterial to aid in the process.

Truly Madly Deeply - Savage Garden

I want to stand with you on a mountain.
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever.
Until the sky falls down on me…

Oh, so many complaints in so few lines. Where to begin? First off, I am not bathing in any sea. Do you know what is in the sea? Organisms. I am not taking an organism infested skinny-dip with anyone in the name of love. I’m all for bathing in a general sense, don’t get me wrong, but chlorine and indoor plumbing were invented for a reason - use them.

Moving on, laying in one position for a prolonged period of time, for any reason, is just illogical. Did the writer of this song never hear of bed sores? Biology 101 people, it isn’t that hard. Obviously the song writer found the time to read up on Chicken Little, did the fear derived from this children’s story simply stunt him or her from continuing on in the educational system? The sky isn’t going to fall on anyone anytime soon. Get a grip.

Oh, and one more thing. Do you know what else is in the sea? Fish urine, jelly fish, that damn volleyball from Castaway, all the toxic runoff from New Jersey, and the rotting corpses of one-time Titanic passengers. Ew.

You’re A God - Vertical Horizon

Cause you’re a God
And I am not
And I just thought
That you should know

Why thank you for noticing! For this song I have no complaints, just wanted to stroke my ego a bit.

Bring Me To Life - Evanescence

How can you see into my eyes like open doors
Leading you down into my core
Where I’ve become so numb, without a soul

Without a soul, huh? Dated Jesse McCartney recently?

Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne

You're so fine
I want you mine
You're so delicious
I think about you all the time
You're so addictive

Delicious and addictive? Is he some kind of food byproduct or tolerance inhibiting substance? Chocolate? Caffeine?? Cocaine???

Where Does My Heart Beat Now? - Celine Dion

I don’t even have to move past the title of this one. I sincerely hope your heart is still beating in your chest. If not, you may want to locate Jesse McCartney, I hear he may have a bit of a voodoo, soul-stealing thing going on. Oh wait, if your heart was beating somewhere other than your chest, you wouldn’t have to worry about it…because you’d be dead.

All I Ask Of You - The Phantom of the Opera

Say you love me every waking moment,
turn my head with talk of summertime...
Say you need me with you now and always...
Promise me that all you say is true -
that's all I ask of you...

Every waking moment? Seriously? You need verbal reassurance of my feelings every…waking…moment? I’ll make you a voice recording, you insecure bastard.

Ain’t No Other Man - Christina Aguilera

I had feelings from the start
Couldn't stand to be apart
Something about you caught my eye
Something moved me deep inside

Something moved her deep inside? Was it gastro-intestinal in nature? Walgreen’s is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I’m just saying.

Crazy Bitch - Buckcherry

You're a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

Well, isn’t this just the pinnacle of romance? With lyrics like these, it’s quite possible that Buckcherry may even give that silver-tongued master of love, Ludacris, a run for his money.

Speaking of Ludacris…

What’s Your Fantasy - Ludacris

I wanna, li-li-li-lick you from yo' head to yo' toes
And I wanna, move from the bed down to the down to the to the flo'
Then I wanna, ahh ahh - you make it so good I don't wanna leave
But I gotta, kn-kn-kn-know what-what's your fan-ta-ta-sy

My personal fantasy is to end an evening not covered in your spit. Thanks.

And I don’t care, I love Peter Gabriel's In Your Eyes. What, like opera is so much better? Scroll up, I’ve included a little opera in my analysis. You know, the phantom of. Yeah, that’s what I thought.

River. Bottom of. (You know I'm talking to you)

~the retro housewife

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