Love Songs...or not: A response to the retro housewife

After reading the retro housewife’s discussion of creepy love song lyrics, I was thrown into a fit of procrastination. So, here’s my contribution:

Natural Woman, Aretha Franklin
“When my soul was in the lost-and-found
You came along to claim it”

-What is the deal with all of this soul swapping? 1 soul per person people. Unless you make your friends refer to you as the Prince of Darkness, or you only answer to Beelzebub, Lucifer, or Angel of the Bottomless Pit of Revelation, KNOCK IT OFF! How many souls can one person use? It’s like owning multiple cars. You can only drive one at a time. Let’s look at this from a conservationist angle…

Ok, so a quick review of songs about souls:

12 Stones “Soulfire” -Does it burn when you pee? This is what happens when your slutty soul gets around.

2Pac “Lost Souls” -Lost? Someone needs to go question Jessie McCartney in this matter…

Abyssos “Worthless Soul for Sale?” -I know someone who’s in the market…

Accept “Don’t Go Stealing My Soul Away” -A warning to Jessie McCartney

Afu-ra “Soul Assassination” -What happens when you won’t give Jessie McCartney your soul

Agathocles “Save Your Soul” -(From Jessie McCartney)

Alchemist “Soul Return” -The Ballad of a Break-up with Jessie McCartney

All Together Separate “Camouflage Soul” -To hide it from Jessie McCartney

Anacrusis “My soul’s affliction” -aka. Jessie McCartney

Angie Stone “Soul Insurance” -Does this cover encounters with Jessie McCartney?

And as far as this In Your Eyes bullshit, the only thing I want in my eyes is my contacts. How can you possibly say this is a great love song?? Sure, it sounds sweet, but really, let’s take a closer at the lyrics:

“I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes”

- If your finger even comes remotely close to my eye, we’re gonna step. As far as the heat in my eyes, it’s a balmy 37 degrees Celsius, just like yours. Poke out your own eye. If you want to tell me you love me, be a real man, ball up, and say the words. What is it with men and the “L word”? You can’t tell me you love me so instead, you write a song about poking me in the eye????

Wanna see what a real love song is like?

“I wanna get you in the back seat windows up
That's the way you like to fuck, clogged up fog alert
Rip the pants and rip the shirt, ruff sex make it hurt”

-Nothing says true love like violence against women under the guise of sex. I like it rough just as much as the next person, but there’s a difference between rug burn and a bruised cervix (or a knife wound). You get my point. And what’s with the ripped pants? Do you know how much these jeans cost? AND the shirt? What the hell am I going to wear after sex when we stop at a gas station for some post-coital Krispy Kremes (aka. more condoms) and I buy you an Icee because you forgot your wallet?

-e