Children: A Guidebook

Children. When are these things going to go out of style? They’re loud, they’re dirty, they emit strange odors, and they’re far too mobile to be used as an effective accessory. In fact, children are similar in nature to the Ford Pinto; a cute but impractical idea that always ends up causing more grief and costing more money than absolutely necessary. Like the Pinto, Don Imus’s stock, and any computer technology marketed before 1995, children are simply a bad investment. They are also not dishwasher safe.

That said, until cloning processes are perfected, it seems children will remain a necessary evil of society. This does not mean, however, that the act of child possession and rearment should be without rules. Thus I am happy to present the Retro Housewife’s guide to parasitology (also known as parenthood):


10. You may think your specimen’s baby pictures are adorable. They aren’t. Save your friends and colleagues the trouble of avoiding you; burn the pictures.

9. There are leash laws in nearly every state for canines. I have yet to see a toddler come when called, sit, beg, roll over, or play dead. This speaks to the superior nature of dogs. Don’t insult man’s best friends by reinforcing a biased double standard; leash your offspring.

8. What’s more annoying than a toddler babbling in high-pitched baby gibberish? Nothing. Discourage language acquirement and use.

7. Children are rather like parrots. If you must teach them to speak, at least teach them phrases that will amuse your friends and family.

6. You know how children ask a thousand and one questions about everything? Answer each question in the same manner, with a somber look, a low voice, and a firm reply of “Because the dominant ideology has made it so.”

5. Do not child proof your home. There is no reason why early life shouldn’t be like everything else - survival of the fittest.

4. Shopping carts come equipped with child restraints for a reason; use them. Do not let the thing run haphazardly through a store unsupervised. You’re just begging for someone to kick it.

3. If it’s under the age of 12, it doesn’t belong in a movie theater. Period.

2. Children and restaurants don’t mix. If a person wisely decides not to have children, than that person obviously doesn’t want to be subjected to yours, especially not while eating. Just remember, if leaving your child in the car while patronizing a restaurant, make sure to crack a window.

1. If it is still confined to a mobile device, more commonly called a stroller, than for the love of all that’s holy, do not take it to an amusement park! It will be too young to remember the trip, your trip will be spent lugging it around like an oversized department store bag, and you will be known throughout the park as The Douche Bag Who Keeps Running Into The Backs Of People’s Legs With Your Stupid-Ass Stroller. You don’t want that moniker, trust me. People will mock you both behind your back and, if they’re like me, to your face. Save yourself the embarrassment.

~the retro housewife