Thursday, April 19, 2007

In Loving Memory (What exactly?)

There are many traditions that degrade the deceased; plastic flowers, cheesy, trite eulogies, pre-gaming the funeral, lusting the mourners, Elton John sunglasses, etc. But, I dare say none is worse than the infamous “in loving memory sticker”.
Ask yourself this : when is the last time you saw an in loving memory sticker on or around anything that should be associated with honoring the dead? I’m imaging gothic fonts, the kind that unimaginative bikers get on their arms or on pleather jackets that say “road warrior” on the back windows of 86’ Celebrities with trashbags for windows…I’m seeing rednecks on spring break with their recently deceased pal who died in a trailer fire sparked by grilling indoors commemorated next to their “Ain’t skeerd”, or “[Insert small town mechanic’s last name here] racing team”. This is a new cultural fad- common transportation as a memorial. You think cowboys ever branded “in loving memory” on the asses of their horses? Hell no, because the statement “in loving memory” begs a return question…WHAT!? The cowboys understood that “my horse shitting” was not a reasonable answer to that question.(I guess that was before you could buy regality in the form of a dashboard crown- so now the equivalent of shitting into the ozone, but doing it with elegance and bad air fresheners).
So maybe these people are doing other things “in loving memory”: asking for tits that will reverberate to their dead friend, who is living vicariously through their debauchery; listening to ludacris while chewing tobacco; having unprotected sex with minors, revving their engines incessantly at red lights….I’m just saying I would like a more descriptive statement like “ I am only doing 95 in a 45 drunk in loving memory…I am not also transporting crystal meth”. Or maybe “I’ll tell you what I’m NOT doing in loving memory- my sister.”
Have you ever seen an “in loving memory” sticker committed to any national figure?? Imagine instead of the JFK memorial a sticker on every Buick that says “in loving memory JFK, ‘the guy who banged Marilyn Monroe & Dale Earndhardt ‘the intimidator’; ‘only the good die young’-Tracey morgan.” (next to this sticker is one of a little kid pissing on Richard Nixon). I’m just trying to give the socioeconomic implications of such stickers to say “don’t do that to people for the love of God!”
If I do die and anyone considers such measures just put “G-money requests you distribute chicken shit on his grave ‘in loving memory’ because that would please him much more than to have you (or your car) live as a personal memorial for him.”

No comments: