Why Men Are Like Dogs

(DISCLAIMER: This post applies to no man in particular, and yet, all men.
I say this in the spirit of love, and yet, at times, slight frustration).

I just got off of the phone with a friend who had a few complaints regarding her boyfriend. Now let me preface this by saying that her boyfriend is wonderful; she loves him very, very deeply. He’s kind and considerate; passionate and loving, but all of this said, he’s still a man. You can only expect so much from them. In their defense, we’re crazy, so they don’t always process exactly what we want. It’s like getting a new puppy. They are cute, cuddly, and adorable, and full of potential to be your best friend; you just have to train them first. You can’t just buy a puppy and start yelling at it to roll over; you have to teach them what that means. You also have to demonstrate that they will get a reward when they do.

Dog ex.: Roll over = get doggie treat

Man ex.: Remember my birthday = get laid

It’s really that simple. You just have to condition men in the same way that you condition dogs. (Sounds like I need to read up on Pavlov to make the perfect boyfriend) Dogs aren’t born knowing how to roll over. It’s not in their nature to live in houses and have to discern where they can and can’t shit; we do this to them. If we’re going to make them shit outside, we’re going to have to be tolerant when they mess up. It’s the same way with men: they aren’t born with any inherent knowledge about women, and it’s unnatural to ask them to understand things like monogamy, calling to check in at night, and putting the toilet seat down. So we have to train them.

The following is a selection from a puppy and dog obedience training site. Notice that if you insert “your boyfriend” or “your man” in the place of “your dog,” the selection still makes sense…

Obedience Training is one of the best things you can do for your dog or puppy man ... and yourself. Obedience training doesn't solve all behavior problems, but it is the foundation for solving just about any problem. Training opens up a line of communication between you and your dog man. Effective communication is necessary to instruct your dog man about what you want him to do. You can teach him anything from 'stay' (don't bolt out the door) to 'sit' (don't jump up on the visitors) to 'off' (don't chew the furniture). These are potential problems with men as well…

Dogs men are social animals and without proper training, they will behave like animals. They will soil your house, destroy your belongings, bark excessively, dig holes in your yard, fight other dogs men and even bite you. Seriously. They will. Nearly all behavior problems are perfectly normal canine male activities that occur at the wrong time or place or are directed at the wrong thing. For example, the dog man will eliminate on the carpet instead of outside; the dog man will bark all night long instead of just when a stranger is prowling around outside; or the dog man will chew furniture instead of his own toys. Ok, at least the last one has some truth. The key to preventing or treating behavior problems is learning to teach the dog man to redirect his natural behavior to outlets that are acceptable in the domestic setting. Brilliant.

Obedience training is also an easy way to establish the social hierarchy. When your dog man obeys a simple request of 'come here, sit,' he is showing compliance and respect for you. It is NOT necessary to establish yourself as top dog or leader of the pack by using extreme measures such as the so-called alpha roll-over. You CAN teach your dog man his subordinate role by teaching him to show submission to you in a paw raise (shake hands), roll over or hand lick (give a kiss). Most dogs men love performing these tricks (obedience commands) for you which also pleasantly acknowledge that you are in charge.

See? This primer on how to train a dog can work brilliantly when applied to men as well…I have a feeling this is just the first in a series of many posts regarding this theory…

-e